Pump The Breaks
by slytherinsRsexyer7283beater4
Summary: Ronnie changes his name to Voldahmort. Voldahmort Whezleah. the NEW wizz in town. HD, SirrieRemmie, AlunFred, PdR08h6VRkl
1. Chapter One: Ludo Bagman Comes to Stay

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Harry finally defeats Lord Voldemort and helps Draco come to terms with the death of his family, could this be the start of a beautiful relationship?  
**Disclaimer:** Jay-Kay owns it ALL. Except we own Seamus's sexy Irish eyes... o_O 

  
**Chapter One: Ludo Bagman Comes to Stay**

_ Some babies  
Some babies just ain't cute  
With a name like Bruce  
And everyone knows  
That Bruce is no mans name  
Like Bernard, Willis, Judy, Stan  
Or Stu.  
- Rubicon, "Bruce"_

~ 

Seamus rolled onto the floor.  
"Ouch!" Said Ron.  
"What's Seamus trying to do?" Harry asked.  
Ron popped out from behind the ceiling and made some handicapped noises. "*handicapped noise* Harry, yay *handicapped noise* duh Harry. Trying to turn water into rum *handicapped noise*."  
Dean Thomas put up his West Ham poster. "Seamus, what's your secret craving?"  
Seamus whispered something to Neville which sounded suspiciously like 'all the boys in the dorm'.  
"Come on guys, Get Pennywise... I mean lets go to breakfast..." Suggested Dobby.  
"Wow! What a great idea Neville!" Cried Dudley.  
"Lets go!" Said Harry and they all followed him in a single line all the way down the stairs and round the corner and down some more stairs and around another corner, through the Great Hall entrance and to the Gryffindor table. Harry laugh joviously as all 9 boys followed Harry to his seat and all tried to sit on him at the same time. "You guys are the best!" Harry said mateily as he punched them all playfully on the shoulder. 

"We're going on a bear hunt!" Seamus screamed randomly.  
"That's a great idea Seamus! Lets play Chinese Whispers while we eat our porridge on Weet-Bix!" Lee Jordan dreaded.  
"Wow! Okay! You can start, Lucius!" Ron said.   
"Some of the guys are gonna get together later on tonight and head of to Voldie's for a barbie mate." Whispered Oliver dodgily to Ollivander. Harry took a bite out of Seamus's carrot and thought about what Oliver had said. Leaning in closely- but not too close- he whispered into Fred or George's ear. "What's Seamus trying to do?" Ron couldn't help himself and popped out from behind Dumbledore's beard and made some handicapped noises. "*handicapped noise* Harry, yay *handicapped noise* duh Harry. Trying to turn water into rum *handicapped noise*."

Harry ignored this hurtful statement and urged Fred or George to continue with the game. Fred or George grabbed George or Fred and whispered sweetly into his ear. "I'm not Fred, I'm George! No really, I am Fred!" George or Fred nodded and leaned over to Neville. "I'm not George, I'm Fred! No really, I am George!"  
Neville just stared blankly at nothing in particular, before turning to face Ginny. "Patty Patil said she was in the girls bathroom all day.......................................................................................................... cryin'". Ginny wrote in her diary. Then Ginny leaned skankily over Dean Thomas. "Good Luck!!!!!" Dean Thomas grinned, knowing he was the last in the circle, meaning he got to say the special sentence out loud. He cleared his throat and called for silence, which quickly hushed over the entire Great Hall.  
"Some of the guys are gonna get together later on tonight and read the Last of the Mohicans." Dean said proudly.  
"Yay Ron, you ruined the whole game! You have the worst memory ever! It looks like YOU'RE the one who needs a Remembrall!" Everyone laughed at Hermione's cool logic. 

"Oh cripes! We have Potions with Professor Serevus Snape, aged 35 or 36."  
"Actually that's a pretty wheat age for him." Sniveled Seamus.  
Everyone suddenly was at Potions class.  
"Oh I can't believe we have this class with Slytherin!!!!!" growled Susan Bones.  
Harry ignored her and made Dawson faces at Draco Malfoy across the room. Draco winked and licked his lips, batting his long eyelashes and wiggling his hips. Everyron knew Draco had a secret crush, but whether that secret became known or not was up to Malfoy himself. Harry blushed. Ron blushed too. "Look Harry, your my best friend you know you can tell me anything, I'm here for you." Harry promptly shoved Ron off his stool. Ron stood back up but sat back in his own stool this time. 

Serevus Snape, the potions master himself strode into the room, the loud swish of his robes deterring Seamus's loud loving sigh.  
"I am teeth, I am fur, I am dribble. I am Snape, I AM THE WOLFMAN! I hate being bored and I can punch suns! I am the wolfman, I AM SEREVUS, I am the wolfman!!!!!" Snape snarled. Dumbledore popped his head into the classroom and whispered "Playstation..." and popped back out.  
Snape assigned the class to some sort of assignment and they all set to work, mixing various things into their cauldron. Harry had already melted four of his cauldrons, due to Malfoy's inadvertent striptease on top of his desk. "50 points from Hufflepuff!" Snape cried, frowning at Seamus's Sea. Seamus got all flustered and dropped his Boyzone blanket and torchlight into his potion.  
"What's Seamus trying to do?" Harry asked to no-one in particular, still staring at Draco's pelvic thrusts on the other side of the room. Ron popped out from behind Snape's robes and made some handicapped noises. "*handicapped noise* Harry, yay *handicapped noise* duh Harry. Trying to turn water into rum *handicapped noise*." 

After that they all scurried out to their next class, which was Charms, with Professor Leprechaun- I mean, Willow- I mean, Ewok... no, I mean crappy Anekin friend. They all sat down. Harry sighed. 'Oh no we have this class with Slytherin' he thought to himself.  
"We're not that bad, are we?" Crabbe stroked Harry's arm lovingly, taking a seat across the room.  
"Oh SHUT UP CRABBE!!" Hermione said emotionally, obviously still upset about catching him in bed with another man- Goyle.  
Harry Potter suddenly felt a tickle on his foot and looked under the table and was met with smiling Irish eyes. "What's Seamus trying to do?" Harry asked, somewhat disturbed by this freak from Ireland. Ron popped out from behind a 10 leaf clover and made some handicapped noises. "*handicapped noise* Harry, yay *handicapped noise* duh Harry. Trying to turn water into rum *handicapped noise*."  
A small man that looked remarkably like a leprechaun and Willow and an Ewok and Anekin's friend walked into the room and climbed onto his pile of books. "Hello class! I'm Professor Flitwick!"  
"We know... we've had you for the past five years" Somebody said and the whole class snickered.  
He set some sort of Charm for them to work on and the class got to work. Until.....  
"Um, sir? What was it like in the hood?" Justin Finch-Fletcherly curiously asked, as once and old man had said in a wand store, no more than 5 years ago- 'Curious'. Flitwick nearly fell off his pile-o-books in surprise and nearly rolled onto Susan's Bones. 

The class finished and they all made there way to the next class which was Muggle Studies with their teacher, Professor Lucius Malfoy. Hermione and Ron's scarred friend stomped into class, knowing that this class was one where the Gryffindor's were paired up with Slytherin again. The boy who lived found a seat next to Percy and Lee Jordamn, directly across the room from his very nemesis- Draco Malfoy, a Slytherin in Harry Potter's year.  
"Seeing as its such a nice day I'm pairing you up and letting you romp gaily in the fresh daisies outside Greenhouse 5. Potter with Malfoy- not ME Malfoy, no no, my SON Malfoy." Lucius winked. "Weasley with Granger. Bones with Finch-Fletcherly. Dean Thomas with Longbottom. Chow with Diggory's Decomposing Corpse. Crabbe with Longbottom. Brown with Goyle. Patal with Goyle. Jordan with Parkinson. Oh and sorry Finnegan but you'll have to be MY partner.... INSIDE that is............. seeing as there's no one left to be your partner... oh what a SHAME Seamus." 

The class, each hand in hand with their respective partners were suddenly outside Greenhouse 4, skipping gaily amongst the dandelions, their robes flowing merrily behind them. 

  
**A.N:** Wow! Did you get our clues about them all being in their 5th year at Hogwarts? If you didn't, look again! Click here to bookmark this fanfic! So you can come back anytime you want to read our aWeSuM fanfiction! PLEASE review! Review! Review! 


	2. Chapter Two: Lucius's Revenge

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Fred and George discover more than a brotherly interest in each other...  
**Disclaimer:** J.K Rowling owns every single thing here. Except the crazy plot (plot?), Paul Walker- whom we both own, the PlayGirl magazine which belongs to Ron and Last Of The Mohicans which some of the guys are going to get together later on tonight and read. 

  
**Chapter Two: Lucius's Revenge**

_ So next time he's sleeping in his room  
We're gonna sneak in and tie him  
The we'll take him out into the street  
And see if someone will buy him  
Brother for sale  
Only 50 cents  
- The Olsen Twins, "Brother For Sale"_

~ 

Breathlessly, both houses ran hungrily into the Great Hall (skipping gaily in the daisies by Greenhouse 2 sure builds up an appetite!) as it was time for lunch!  
Dean Thomas put up his West Life poster. "Seamus, who's your favorite teacher?"  
Seamus giggled and hid behind his pumpkin juice, glancing at his favorite hook-nosed black-greasy-haired Professor, who winked merrily at him in return. "That's for ME to know and for YOU never to find out! Where the fuck is me lucky charms?" Ron passed Seamus the box of Lucky Charms cereal. 

"Males here!" squealed Paul Walker.  
"Yes Neville, we know there are males here." Hermione sighed.  
No, I mean, the mails here!" Suddenly the entire Great Hall was filled with owls carrying various-shaped parcels. Goyle's owl Wibble dropped a pair of clean underwear in his hands.  
"Can I borrow this?" Harry pointed to the Playgirl magazine that Ron's crappy owl had left for him. Ron nodded, somewhat reluctant to part with the precious magazine which had cost him his life-savings: 7 Knuts.  
Harry opened the magazine and found an interesting article on a place that looked very familiar to him. Irish eyes popped out from over Harry's shoulder. 

"Hey Harry, do ya think I could borrow that magazine that yer got thay're?" But Harry ignored Seamus's silent plea's.  
"Hey Ron, look at this." Hermione cried. Ron leaned over to see what Harry was pointing at. "That's the strip club Hagrid took me to. He hired one of the people from Room 713! And look! It says here that the room in question, Room 713 was emptied earlier that day!" Ron's eyes widened and opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by Dean Thomas's snarl. "Hey look! Neville's got a hickey!"  
"Oh Fred! Not again!" Hermione nudged one of the Twins.  
"I'm not Fred, I'm George!"  
"Honestly woman, you call yourselves our brother!" Crabbe laughed so hard that pumpkin juice sprayed out of his nose and rained down all of Hogwarts. 

Seamus suddenly went into a coughing fit, trying to disguise the sound of ripping out the magazine pages from Harry's and Ron's magazine.  
"What's Seamus trying to do?" Harry asked. Ron popped out from behind the centerfold and made some handicapped noises. "*handicapped noise* Harry, yay *handicapped noise* duh Harry. Trying to turn water into rum *handicapped noise*."  
And that signaled the end of lunch and everyone headed off to their next class which was Turban Studies with Professor Quirrell.  
"What house do we have this class with?" Ron rapped.  
"Ohh no not Slytherin, not Slytherin... anything but Slytherin..." Neville murmered.  
"You could be great in Slytherin you know..." Susan Bones hissed into Harry Potters ear.  
The rest of the classed crawled along to the cloth room while Draco trailed behind, trying to get a good look at Potters ass. 

Suddenly everyone was seated in the cloth room.  
Seamus roared like an Irish lion.  
"Hey Harrykins, didn't you kill Quirrell four years ago when he was trying to get the Philosophers Stone?" McGonagall mewed. But before Harry could answer Draco's proposition, Professor Quirrell swept into the room, sending dust particles up everyone's nose. Lucky for Neville they weren't giant dust particles.  
He put down his pot plant and addressed the room. "Eeeeeeeee! Sskahdeuiwyriwdknasdnamsd!"  
Everyone nodded and started taking notes on todays lesson, which was on Sex Education. Ron's face turned as red as his freckles as the Professor was describing in detail how exactly to cover a Voldemort face on the back of your head with a stylish purple turban wrap. 

Suddenly the class was over and everyone trickled out of the broom closet like a leaky tap that someone forgot to turn off all the way.  
Harry rubbed his arm, which was sore from Seamus nudging his arm every time the Professor said the word 'sex'. Harry rubbed his eye, which was sore from winking at Draco every time the Professor said the word 'sex' also.  
Suddenly everyone was in the Gryffindor common room.  
"Come on guys! Lets play Indian Whispers!" Dean Thomas argued.  
"Oh Dean!" Seamus slapped Dean Thomas playfully on the backside.  
"Yay Dean Thomas. The game originated in CHINA not INDIA that's why its called INDIAN WHSIPERS." Ron exclaimed. Neville was uncomfortably squashed in between a Hippogriff and Professor Sprout, as when I said everyone was in the Gryffindor Common room, I mean EVERYONE. 

Marcus Flint, the Slytherin Quidditch Captain who had neglected his Dental Care for godknows how many years now, received a death glare from Hermione and a Dental care pack which she nicked from her parents office. He decided that this was a good enough reason for him to start the round of Indian Whispers. "I haven't brushed in 27 years..." he secretly toothily whispered to Blast-Ended Skrewt #5. The Skrewt coiled up in disgust at his fellow classmate's neglect of Dental Care, but leaned skankily over to Mad-Eye Moody.  
"A few of the guys are gonna get together later on tonight and watch Dawson's Creek." Moody's magic eye swiveled around in his socket, catching a peek at Draco and Harry and Fred playing 'Doctor' 4 rooms away..... Moody grunted and pulled Chow closer, and closer, and closer until she could feel his eye rolling around in his socket.  
"Nice socks Chow..." He hoarsely whispered, sending a chill up Chows spine.  
"But I'm not wearing *any* socks" Chow secretly hidden whispered back. Then she turned to Crabbe, but then turned to Goyle because she thought Crabbe was just a moss covered boulder. "You could be great you know, its all in your head" Chow winked. Goyle grasped Susan Bones by her bone. 

"The square root of Pythagarus times one hundred in the North-East sky, rotated on a 30 degree angle multiplied by the division of B has an equal to the much simpler equation, I love you Neville....." Susan nodded bone and pulled Ginny close- but not bone too close- with her boney bones. "Did you bone know that the body has 496 bones?"  
Ginny blushed and put her elbow bone in the butter bone dish. She dragged Harry away from his game of 'Operation' and whispered into his ear. "GINNY WEASLY = I AM LORD WEASLEY." 

Harry gurgled and grabbed Draco roughly by the shoulders and pulled him as close as possible. "Tried to get a hold of you last night, called you on the phone, thinkin' to myself something ain't right, girl are you alone? Letting little things come between us, all we do is fuss, when all I wanna do is show you love so I say, hold up! I'm tired of all these lies, hold up! If you wanna make things right, and I say, hold up! I'm tired of all these lies, hold up! Cause if you wanna make things right, you got to giddy up, giddy up now, I gotta giddy up, giddy up, giddy up now, I gotta giddy up, Giddy up, giddy up now." Harry whispered seductively to Draco, using every ounce of will power not to jump the sexy Slytherin's BONES. Susan Bones nodded. Draco pondered if Harry really was one of the guys from NSync. After all, he did look remarkably like the Kevin guy. Or was it Howie? 

Professor Trelawney predicted that Draco would be the last one in the circle so he got to say the sentence out loud. Wow, Professor Trelawney's prediction came true! Draco jumped up on Lee Jordan's shoulders. "Some of the guys are gonna get together later on tonight and read the Last of the Mohicans." he cried triumphantly, trumpet fanfare playing in the background. Lee Jordan jumped up and down much like a vibrating cell phone, his huge mouth glowing with his white teeth. Marcus Flint took note of this whiteness.   
Suddenly everyone dispersed and went back to their own dorm rooms, some went on to read Last Of The Mohicans. 

  
**A.N:** Thanks for all the great reviews guys! Yes, there will be a lot more chapters to come, don't worry! Don't forget, if you haven't already... PLEASE review! Review! Review!  
**A.N 2:** Fixed a few mistakes 01-04-02. 


	3. Chapter Three: Harry Potter Goes To Mons...

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Seamus embarks on a personal journey of Self-Discovery and meets many obstacles on the way.  
**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter and all characters are created by J.K Rowling. Seamus's dodgyness are created by us. Lance and Justin are property of 'NSync. 

  
**Chapter Three: Harry Potter Goes To Monsters Inc.**

_ I've got a special friend  
That I see each day  
We like to sit and talk  
Sometimes we just play  
Do you know who I'm talking about?  
Gonna let my secret out  
Grandma, that's who  
- The Moffatts, "Grandma"_

~ 

Meanwhile in the Gryffindor Girls Dormitories...  
"Oh don't you all think that Fred is absolutely de-vine?" Seamus Irisheyesd.  
"No way Hermione! George is SO much finer!" Lavender Brown, a Gryffindor girl in the same year as the scarred boy who lived said, sparking up her joint.  
"Yeah but Fred has a better name!" Patty Patal said she was in the girls bathrooms all day... cryin'!  
"But George has moles on his neck!" Pansy snarled.  
"Girls girls, its common knowledge that Fred is the hotter twin. George is just plain ugly." Everyone agreed with George, and the group decided to kick Chow out because she was wrong and they were all right. 

Meanwhile in the Gryffindor Boys Dormitories...  
"Oh don't you all think that Fred is absolutely de-vine?" Seamus Irisheyesd, while brushing Neville's hair.  
"No way Hermione! George is SO much finer!" Dean Thomas, a Gryffindor boy in the same year as the scarred boy who lived said, sparking up her joint.  
"Yeah but Fred has a better name!" George argued.  
"But George has moles on his neck!" Ron decided, taking a hit of the marijuana, commonly known as 'weed' or 'hash'.  
"Girls girls, its common knowledge that Fred is the hotter twin. George is just plain ugly." Everyone agreed with Seamus. 

Previously in the Gryffindor Girls Dormitories...  
Suddenly everyone was changed into their nightwear. Millicent Bulstrode, who was fondly known as 'Millie', was sporting a very nice nightshirt from the Mens Department in Farmers. The nice shade of grey complemented her butt-ugly face. Susan Bones pulled out bone an old Halloween costume, which was bone a black full-bodied jump-suit with bone glow-in-the-dark bones all over it, much bone like a skeleton. Patty Patal was still in the Girls Bathrooms.......................... cryin'.  
"OkAy gIrLfRiEnDz, lets talk about BOYS!" Hermione squealed, always the one to bring up the topic of boys. They all threw Pansy out because they knew that this conversation would most likely end in a human sacrifice for Draco.  
"Oh don't you all think that Fred is absolutely de-vine?" Seamus Irisheyesd. 

Previously in the Gryffindor Boys Dormitories...  
Everyron (except Harry who was admiring himself) admired Seamus's nice new Boyzone Bloomers, which came in his membership to the Official Boyzone Fan club and did you know that he was one of TWO fans in New Zealand? Wow! I sure didn't!  
The boys all gathered on Ron's bed because his sheets were the softest and everyone preferred Ron's smell. They pulled the curtains closed around the four-poster bed.   
Dean Thomas wondered why Seamus had that odd smile on his face, but then he noticed that Seamus was in fact sitting on Scabbers, also known as Wormtail, Voldemort's right-hand man. Old man. Very old man.  
"Lets talk about girls!" Harry crawled.  
"Nah, lets talk about Fred and George." Fred suggested.  
"Oh don't you all think that Fred is absolutely de-vine?" Seamus Irisheyesd, while brushing Neville's hair. 

The next morning...  
Suddenly it was morning. Vernon had 'accidentally' fallen asleep on Ron's bed.  
Ron was drooling on Dean Thomas's arm. Dean Thomas was drooling on Crabbe's eyebrow. Crabbe was drooling on Fred's elbow. Fred was drooling on Neville's kneecap. Neville was drooling on Susan Bone's bone. Harry was drooling on Draco. And that was that. Suddenly, they were all in the great hall for breakfast, all wiping drool off various parts of their bodies.  
"I have a special announcement" Dumbledore heart-attacked. "I am very pleased to announce that it is Adrian Puccey's birthday today! Happy Birthday Age!" Dumbledore fondly flirted. The Hall was filled with curious murmurs about who this Age person was. Nobody knew who the fuck this guy was. Everyone shrugged in sync (studio laughs and claps) and began drinking their pumpkin juice. However, there was one more disruption that would disrupt breakfast. Harry didn't know what had come over him. He stood and jumped up on the table, 'accidentally' kicking Chow in the face. 

"I'm sick of Pumpkin juice!" Harry threw his drink at Snape.  
Justin Finch-Fletcherly clawed at Harry's robe.  
Everyone stood up and threw their hats in the air. Lee Jordan was screaming for joy and bouncing up and down like a vibrating cell-phone, with his mouth wide open. Seamus shook somebody's hand rather enthusiastically, nearly pulling Susan's bones out of her socket- excuse the pun!!!  
"What's Seamus trying to do?" Harry asked. Ron popped out from behind the shoulder blade and made some handicapped noises. "*handicapped noise* Harry, yay *handicapped noise* duh Harry. Trying to turn water into rum *handicapped noise*." 

Suddenly Harry decided he didn't want to go to class today so he went back up to his dorm. Draco followed him. Soon, Draco and Harry were playing a game of Twister. Only, they didn't have the special mat with the colored dots on it. And they also didn't have the board with the wheel that you had to spin.   
"Dude, this is so much more narly than History-O-Magic!" Terry Boot booted. Harry agreed with Draco and they kept "playing" "twister". Little did they know the fun and excitement that was going down in History of Magic! 

"What chapter of Last Of The Mohicans are you up to?" Colin Creevy mocked.... get it... Mochirie...  
But nobody paid any attention to Dennis, as they were all on the edge of their seats, watching Professor Binns trying to turn a bin into a Professor.  
The class was suddenly finished, with everyone on a new perspective on twins fresh in there minds. Neville's eyes peeled towards to Fat Lady Portrait, which all the Gryffindors were suddenly standing outside.  
"Well, is somebody going to say the password?" Blaise cried. Ron gulped and said 'Crabbes R Kewl'. The door swung open and everyron gasped at what they saw.  
"What's Seamus trying to do?" 

TO BE CONTINUED..... 

  
**A.N:** Ooo a cliffhanger! What does everyone see? What exactly IS Seamus trying to do? Is it true Gandalf? Is there *really* a ring? Who is Adrian Puccey? Did Professor Binns really turn a bin into a Professor? Will Justin accept Lance's marriage proposal? Find out in the next chapter! 


	4. Chapter Four: Paul Walker In A Box

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, a photo surfaces of Paul Walker as a baby, wearing nothing more than a box. Or is it a brown paper bag?  
**Disclaimer:** Rowling = Harry Potter. slytherinsRsexyer7283/beater#4 = Crazy. 

  
**Chapter Four: Paul Walker In A Box**

_ Hello my future Girlfriend  
This is what I sound like  
I am 11 years old in the 6th grade  
In New Mexico  
Please PM me if I'm on Yahoo! Chat  
Bye, thanks for stopping by!  
- Micheal, "Hello My Future Girlfriend"_

~ 

The very next day a Gryffindor student who was older than Harry and probably should have graduated 2 years ago and gotten a job in the real world and who was also Quidditch captain for the first year, strolled hummingly along the Astronomy Tower ledge. 

"Do do do the Sailor dog..." Oliver Wood captained. He couldn't remember the whole song so he just kept singing this part over and over, wishing he knew where his Sailor Dog book was so he could find out the lyrics.  
Today was the day that everyone decided that it was time for the Twin Experiment. 

"So, which one are you?" Oliver Phelps asked Katie Bell. Everyone laughed at Oliver's joke, but nobody knew he asked her seriously, thinking she was one of the twins.  
"Which one of you is the evil one?" Seamus probed.  
"What's Seamus trying to do?" Harry asked. Ron popped out from behind the torturing device and made some handicapped noises. "*handicapped noise* Harry, yay *handicapped noise* duh Harry. Trying to turn water into rum *handicapped noise*."  
Dean Thomas put up his West Side poster.  
"Ouch. That hurt." Fred phelped.  
"How do we know that YOU'RE," Dean Thomas pointed to Fred or George, "not really George and just pretending to be Fred? All these years you've fooled us! Foolery!" Dean Thomas jumped out a window.  
"My dad said that sometimes with twins, one of them doesn't get enough oxygen in the womb. He's a Doctor you know. Doctor Bones!" Susan boned. Lee Jordan was screaming for joy and bouncing up and down like a vibrating cell-phone, with his mouth wide open. 

"I know! lets hit Fred or George and see if George or Fred can feel it!" Harry lived. Neville thought this was a VERY good idea and he couldn't wait to get started. He even bought along his special cane, but sadly Fred intervened.  
"Oh, no Lavender Brown, that's okay I bought George's beater club thingee that you can use."  
"Don't hit him *too* hard" George grinned, who was being strapped onto a concrete slab next to his twin.  
Seamus cackled.  
"Do do do the Sailor Dog... do do do the Sailor Dog... do do do the Sailor Dog..." Oliver chanted in his own special way, signaling for the beginning of the experiment.  
"And three.... two... one... GO!" Ron held up his arms holding a handkerchief in one of them, bringing them down on the last word. 

SMACK! 

The beater club thingee connected hard with Fred or George's leg. Crabbe howled in pain, clutching his finger.  
"Well... that was interesting..." Adrian Puccey noted.  
SMACK! Seamus turned on Crabbe with the club and a painful scream came from Lee Jordan's overly-over-sized mouth. Soon, Greenhouse 7 had turned into a huge Beating contest, with Ginny writing down all the details in her diary.  
A couple of hours later when Gryffindor and Slytherin turned up for Herbology, they say that Greenhouse 4 had been smashed up completely much to everybody's dismay.  
"Yay! Class is cancelled! Woo!" Professor Sprout grew. 

Suddenly, in a hidden secret chamber- I mean... room, Harry, Ron and Hermione found themselves face to face with none other than Draco Malfoy and his clan consisting of two moss covered boulders.  
The first boulder, who I suspect was Crabbe, grunted.  
Chow didn't like the look of this and feeling a WWF smack down coming on, she scurried away but not before chowing a quick "Ciao!".  
Seamus oinked.  
"Um... I hate you.. Harry..." Draco winked.  
"Yeah... erm... Dra- I mean Malfoy... I hate you too..." Harry lied.  
"Uhh... I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I'll fight you" Draco nevilled.  
"Err... okay... um... Hermione and Ron you guys had better... um go... yeah..." Harry pretended.  
"Yeah... Crabbe and Goyle you should go to... we'll have a wizards duel... err..." Draco eviled Crabbe and Goyle and they both grunted off.  
"Yeah... no seconds... haha..." Harry crabbily crabbed, watching Ron and Hermione leave. 

An eerily haunting tune floated through the room, which sounded suspiciously like, 'Do do do the Sailor Dog...' but Harry and Draco ignored it.   
"Wow look at the time gotta go bye!" Crabbe rolled down the stairs, landing at Draco's feet. Draco kicked the stupid git and waved his wand and said 'Avada Kedavra!'. Crabbe died. Or was it Goyle?  
Shame Goyle.  
And then suddenly a hidden secret was meanwhiled, but they didn't notice the hidden secret being meanwhiled because Draco and Harry were too busy playing tonsil-Quidditch! Ahe!  
But their make-out session was interrupted by Chow, who burst in and rather hurriedly dragged Cedric's decomposing corpse across the floor, along to the other side of the room and through the door on the other side.  
"Wow she looked like she was in a hurry." Draco stated.  
"Yeah I wonder what she's doing"  
"Lets follow her and see" Draco felt Harry's stomach rumble.  
"Nah, I'm hungry. Lets get something to eat at the Great Hall. I reckon its dinner time." And with that the hidden secret of Chow and the corpse remained unsolved. 

"What's Seamus trying to do?" Harry asked. Ron popped out from behind the pot of gold and made some handicapped noises. "*handicapped noise* Harry, yay *handicapped noise* duh Harry. Trying to turn water into rum *handicapped noise*."  
Meanwhile at the Gryffindor table at the Great Hall, Neville was in the middle of telling everyone rather animatedly about his Grandmother and how she used to play with Trevor, when Harry and Draco arrived at the table at the same time.  
"Where have you two been? I've been worried sick!" Adrian Puccey puked.  
"Um.. we were busy..." Harry blushed, removing his mouth from Draco's.  
"Busy wiggin'" Ron raped.  
"Excuse me I did not wig!" Harry wigged.  
"There was major wiggage!" Dean Thomas rudely butted into the convo! 

"Every sit! I have an announcement!" Dumbledore heart-attacked. Everyone jumped up in excitement "It has come to my attention that pumpkin juice is no longer accepted here. I am now proud to welcome a newcomer to our breakfast, lunch and dinner table..." Dumbledore paused for suspense. "Carrot juice!" Dumble clapped his hands once and raised them into the air and the juice was magicked onto everybody's tables.  
Everyone stood up and threw their hats in the air. Lee Jordan was screaming for joy and bouncing up and down like a vibrating cell-phone, with his mouth wide open. Seamus shook somebody's hand rather enthusiastically, nearly pulling Susan's bones out of her socket- excuse the pun!!! Oliver sang the Sailor Dog song- or rather, what he knew of the Sailor Dog song.  
"Yes, well done Carrot juice, well done Carrot juice.... however..." But nobody listened to what Dumbledore said next because they were all far too excited with the new member on the menu.  
"Does anybody know where I could get some eye of rabbit?" Crabbe crabbed, grabbing some crab-meat.  
Draco couldn't work out why the Irish sandy-haired boy Seamus was smiling at him oddly and winking. Suddenly he felt a cold Irish foot crawl up his robes. Draco screamed. Everyone screamed and threw down the food they were eating, pushing and shoving to get out of the hall as fast as possible. 

"SILENCE!" Dumbledore clutched his heart gasping for air.  
"Do do do the Sailor Dog... do do do the Sailor dog... do do do the Sailor dog... " Oliver Wood unsilenced.  
Much to everyone's surprise, the old headmaster of Hogwarts magicked a TV screen, a sound-system and some microphones onto the stage.  
"Kareoke finals! Get down with your bad selves and enroll! That is all!"  
"Do do do the Sailor Dog... do do do the Sailor dog... do do do the Sailor dog... " Oliver Wood sung in celebration.  
"Oh, for fucks sake, will you just SHUT UP OLIVER! Its SCUPPERS the damn Sailor Dog!! Its 'I am Scuppers the Sailor Dog'! SCUPPERS!!!!!!" Harry screamed, losing control. Oliver thanked his lucky stars that Harry knew the song and he could now rest in peace.  
And with that everyone left for class, which happened to be Arithmacy which Gryffindor had with Slytherin. 

  
**A.N:** I'm so excited about the Kareoke Finals! Aren't you? Thanks to all great reviewers! We're glad you ALL love this super fanfic! If you haven't already... PLEASE review! Review! Review!  
**A.N 2:** Seriously (no, I'm Sirius!) What does everyone think is up with Chow and dragging the corpse everywhere? Is there some master plan at hand, or is Chow being... well... Chow? 


	5. Chapter Five: The Great SnappleCaper

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, the students finally are allowed to celebrate Hanukkah, even though its in their own special way. Guest stars Justin Timberlake and Brian "B-Rock TM" Backstreet.  
**Disclaimer:** Rowling = Harry Potter. slytherinsRsexyer7283/beater#4 = Crazy. 

  
**Chapter Five: The Great Snapple-Caper**

_ Ah, ahhhhhhhh....  
Everywhere you look (everywhere you look)  
There's a heart (there's a heart)  
A hand to hold onto  
Everywhere you look (everywhere you look)  
There's a face  
Of somebody who needs you  
- Full House Theme Song_

~ 

Meanwhile in Snape's dungeons... if you thought Crabbe and Goyle went back to the Slytherin Common room you were wrong!  
The hook-nosed black-greasy-haired Master of Potions swept into his dungeon, making Crabbe and Goyle jump in surprizzzze.  
"Mr Crabbe.... Mr Goyle... my.... new.... helpers." Snape drawled, taking a swing from his hit-flask from under his robes. "Now, if you two don't mind, I'm going to bed... care to join?" Crabbe and Goyle were overcome with joy and quickly fumbled with their robe clasps for some unknown reason. Snape, Crabbe and Goyle made their way merrily down to the dungeons, skipping hand-in-hand.   
Unknowingly, they passed a crappy Ravenclaw girl by the name of Chow who was dragging the decomposing corpse of her boyfriend down the hall, hidden in shadows. Barty crouched down, not wanting to be seen. 

Back in the Gryffindor part of the school, spirits were high and boisterous. The sandy-haired boy Seamus had stumbled upon pay-per-view porn while skipping through the channels and had somehow found a way to view the channel without paying.  
Dean Thomas put up his West Avenue poster.  
Meanwhile Jenna, a Ravenclaw nobody said stoneily drugily, "What's going oooonn...!" and woke up inside Dumbledore's robe. 

Suddenly the whole Harry Potter cast and crew piled into Dumbledore. For this very special old man- special needs! Hahahahaha, had a very special announcement to make. Orla Quirke quirked quirkily while Seamus painted his toenails a fashionably fashionable shade of burgundy.  
Everyone crawled out of Dumbledore's vomit, spewing out of the pensioners mouth like an uncorked wine bottle.  
"I have an announcement to make..." the Hospital Wing were on stand-by just incase Dumble had another heart-attack. "Halloween is fast approaching..." he paused to clutch his heart. "...and we all are to dress up and knock on our classroom doors- which will be dressed as houses with numbers and letter boxes and flower gardens and white picket fences. Beware of the dog. The teachers will be dressed as friendly neighborhood folk."  
"...my brother CHARLIE in ROMANIA..." Ron romained.  
"SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!!" Dumbledore heartily clutched. "That is all." 

Suddenly magically suspiciously chamberly secretly hidden meanwhiled the very next day happened to be Halloween! 

Harry couldn't find his glasses or his clothes and decided to go as Voldemort.  
Meanwhile, in the Slytherin dorms, Draco put on Harry's glasses and Harry's clothes. Seamus got lost and skipped into Draco's room.  
"Ha ha tricked ya I'm a submarine!" Tom riddled.  
Dean Thomas put up his West Irish Popstars poster.  
Dean Thomas glued all his West... posters together and made a huge West poster on the West side of the tower.  
"Treffor! You shouldn't be here!" Marcus Flint plaqued.  
Neville had decided to go as his Grandma crossed with his toad because he forgot where he put his Remembrall costume.  
Patty Patil, who was still in the girls bathroom all day....................................... cryin' laughed at Susan's costume.  
"Aren't those your pajamas?" Hermione shrieked.  
"Yes bone but they bone make such a good bone Hallobone costume!" Susan cracked- a joke, not a bone!  
Chow was no where to be seen.... or so we thought..... DUN DUN....... 

Suddenly everyone set off trick-or-treating in random groups. 

Group #1:  
Ron, Terry Boot, Crabbe and Hannah Abott  
"Wow hi guys!" Ron squealed, shuffling along in his homeless bum shoes and homeless bum jacket and homeless bumbag and homeless trolley filled with crap.  
"Get Pennywise!" Mrs Figg passed out some figgs.  
"Yo mah niggAZ wot izzz uppppp?!" Terry booted snoopily, jingling his Snoop Dog medallions and snoopy pants and other items of clothing.  
Crabbe rolled along the floor because his costume was a moss-covered boulder, so he was wrapped up in a moldy mattress.  
The 7 students merrily skipped along to the first house/class which was........ 

Group #2:  
Harry and Draco  
Harry and Draco met up. Harry scowled because Draco had stolen Harry's clothes and Harry's glasses. Harry hoped he was scowling in the right direction because he was blind as bat without his glasses.  
Draco came up behind Harry and pinched him on Voldemort's ass.  
"Draco, your scar is on the wrong side of your head." said the Hufflepuff Badger, sniveling past.  
The pair walked along the stone path up to a dodgy-looking house that was number 6 Privet Drive. But before they even raised their arm up to knock, the door burst open and they were met with smiling Irish eyes.  
"Hello children!" Lucius cackled much like an old man who taps on the window with a stone.  
"Um... trick or treat?" Harry tricked.  
"Ooohhhhh trick! I choose trick!!" Lucius invited them inside. But Draco knew better.  
"Um... okay... err..." Harry flirted.  
"Um... 'Avada Kedavra!'" Draco waved his wand, trickingly. Lucius fake-died and threw candy at them which was filled with razor blades. The scarred boy who lived and his arch-nemesis ate the candy off each other and skipped to the next house. 

Group #3:  
Justin Finch-Fletcherly, Seamus, Ginny and Fred  
"I'm not Fred, I'm George!" Fred Halloween-costumed.  
Justin Finch Fletcherly was proudly dressed as the Hufflepuff badger and kept sniffing Fred. Or was it George? No wait, it was Fred... no really, it was George.  
Seamus scattered four-leaf clovers along the wooden path they walked to the house/class. He was going as his favorite person in the Irish world- the Boys own/West lives/Irish pop stars manager!!!!! Yay!  
"We got Seamus! We got Justin!" Quirrell marched.  
"So Fred- I mean, George..." Seamus ginnyed... "Do you like my costume?" A cold Irish chill went up George's spine, but then he realized it was just Seamus's nose.  
Ginny was dressed as Bridget Jones, her fave diary writer! Ahe!  
"Dear Diary, today I am Bridget Jones and the Slytherin mascot tried to snake me." Ginny rumbled. Soon they reached a house/class driveway, which they found to be littered with raisin packets to save them the trouble of going to the door and asking for candy. Also it was fun collecting the packets. Fun! 

Group #4:  
Hermione, Marcus Flint, Susan Bones, Goyle, Oliver Wood and Dobby.  
"Herm-io-ne Grang-er" McGonagall sung.  
"What the fuck do you want bitch?" Hermione said witchily, adjusting her pointed hat and sparkly black dress.  
Oliver Wood grinned, trying not to set fire to himself because as his costume was a piece of kindling and he was so darn hot...... haha!  
"I got here early so I got to be cowboy guy" Micheal removed the corns from his foot.  
Colin Creevy snapped a picture, from inside his roll-o-film TM costume.  
"I'm Fugi Film!" Dennis creeved creevingly.  
"Knockity-knock!" Susan boned, snapping her arm bone which was connected to her hand bone. In a flash, Snape snapped open the door, drinking a can of Snapple.  
"Why hello children... how's it hanging? Or should I say......... boning?" He nodded at Susan, nudging Sirius.  
"Candy cane....." some dodgy truck driver radioed.  
Snape poured some potions into their plastic pumpkin buckets and skiddoo-ed into the open book on the ground. 

But the next group, Neville and George didn't have a group number so they walked aimlessly around the halls with Percy as their group supervisor.  
"Come on, hurry up, move along.... quickly, come on now, get a move on, hurry up...... quickly!" Percy prefected.  
And then.... 

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**A.N:** Happy Halloween everybody! Don't take candy from strangers and don't go into anybody's houses you don't know- especially if they look like Filch! Have a safe Easter! 


	6. Chapter Six: The Tao Of Dawson

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Flitwick puts a special spell on Dumbledore and makes his beard molt everywhere! What a calamity!  
**Disclaimer:** All songs mentioned are copyrighted by their respective owners! Woo! And B-Rock TM is trademarked by the B-Rocker TM himself from the Backstreet Babes! slytherinsRsexyer7283/beater#4 own the plot. 

  
**Chapter Six: The Tao Of Dawson**

_ If I told you, I needed you  
Would you break my heart again?  
If I told you, I'd die for you  
Would you break my heart again?  
Would you break my heart...  
- Enmasse, "Break My Heart"_

~ 

The next day, Ron emptied his Jumbo Hagrid Jellies onto Seamus's bed. Little did he know, Seamus was having fun wiggling around in Harry's bed....  
"What's Seamus trying to do?" Harry asked. Ron popped out from behind the jiggling purple Hagrid jelly and made some handicapped noises. "*handicapped noise* Harry, yay *handicapped noise* duh Harry. Trying to turn water into rum *handicapped noise*."  
Hagrid pulled out his Draco doll and made him 'battle' with Harry. "Abur!" Ernie Macmillan clowned.  
"...my brother CHARLIE in ROMAINIA went as a DRAGON in ROMAINIA yeah my brother CHARLIE..." Ron blended.  
"Um... ok Flitwick..." Flitwick flitted.  
"Oh no, we have Art with Professor Sirius Black aged... Age! Adrian Puccey!" (A.N That was especially for MiakaMalfoy!)  
Goyle did something dodgy.  
"Oh no, we have that class with Slytherin!" Dean Thomas howled, putting up his West Wing poster.  
Suddenly the Gryffindors and the Slytherin's growled and were on there way to Art class, jogging down the road- I mean, hall. 

Popping out of nowhere in particular, but what seemed to be suspiciously from underneath Justin Finch-Fletcherly's orange beard, was a frantic looking short and ugly guy with big hairy feet.  
"Get off the road!!!!!!!!!" Elijah hobbitted, knocking over Oliver Wood's wooden puppet. But before the Hufflepuff Badger could extend a long finger and scratch Frodo's head, the Hobbit darted back in amongst the trees. Everyone laughed at Susan Bones because she was still wearing her Pajamas- or her Halloween costume. 

Meanwhile, in Art class everyone was seated behind easels or big tables piled with clay.  
"Hello class..." the dog barked. "I need a volunteer model because today we are studying the anatomy. Human, anatomy that is or else I would GLADLY volunteer!!!!"  
Seamus frantically jumped up and down, waving one of Susan's bones, trying to get the dogs attention.  
Sirius Black happily caught the bone, wagging his tail and buried Susan's............... bone!  
Cedric Diggory digged it back up.  
So Seamus took off all his clothes and ran around the class like a madman, molding pieces of clay to various body parts and donning his face with Irish war paint. 

"Now now Seamus, you need to stay still so the class can paint, sketch, or sculpt you...." Hermione grangered.  
Harry leaned in close- but not too close to a Mr Draco Malfoy. "I think Snape's going to steal the Philosophers Stone!" Harry whispered, getting excited. Ron rolled some clay into a ball for Seamus's... well... yeah.  
"Look Harry, you're my best friend, you can tell me anything... I'm here for you." George twined.  
Draco filled his canvas with beautiful Irish colors for Seamus's... well... you know... yeah. "That a good song for you too sing at the Kareoke Finals, which, I might add are coming up! Tonight!"  
"You're my brother Ron!" Susan cried.  
"What song are you going to sing Susan?" Frodo bagginsed.  
"It'll be a surprizzzze!" Susan groped Ron in response.  
Suddenly the class finished, due to Seamus not being able to stand still, as he kept trying to... well.... you know. 

Later on, Harry went to Hagrid's hut for "tea" and "rock cakes".  
"Are you sure you don't want us to come? I'm your best friend, you can tell me anything!" Ron burped, wanting to follow Harry.  
"Um..." but Harry never answered because their friendly convo was rudely interrupted by Chow dragging Cedric's body up the steps to the main entrance, which she did several times because whenever she got near the top she'd accidentally let go of Cedric's knee socket and he'd go tumbling to the bottom again, which left a trail of rotting flesh. 

Suddenly it was night-time and everyone was in the Great Hall for the Kareoke finals!  
Dumbledore had really gotten into the swing of things and was dressed as his favorite drag-queen, and had Dean Thomas help him put up some posters.  
Everyone was sitting at their house tables, waiting in anticipation for the Finals to begin.  
The Gryffindor and Slytherin tables were especially excited... 

"Our job is to make sure-" Fred started.  
"Yyyyyyyyou don't get-" George finished.  
"Bloodied up to much!" Fred guffawed, finishing his brother's sentence.  
George caught Buckbeak in his Pokeball, which he still had left-over from his Halloween costume.  
Draco felt a small but annoying Irish feathery tickle on the back of his neck. Whirling around in surprizzzze, he saw that Seamus had been batting his eyelashes over Draco's neck.  
"Ok, THATS IT SEAMUS!!!!!! I WANT A RESTRAINING ORDER!!!" Draco roared like a dragon and Seamus was taken to court and Draco got a Restraining order against the sandy-haired Irish Gryffindor the boy who lived friend. If Seamus came within 2000 meters of Draco, he got immediately thrown into jail. Not the Irish jail, because Seamus liked it there, but the real jail which was a tryhard Azkaban. It was called Azlanbakankebab.  
And then Dumbledore dimmed the lights and winked to Snape who was up on the enchanted ceiling which was bewitched to look like the night sky doing the lights. Dumbledore smiled because he could see up Snape's robes. 

The opening bars to 'Lady Marmalade' blared harshly into the hall, filling everyone's ears.  
A very skanky and very old man- Dumbledore, strutted onto the stage, wearing nothing but a red thong and tight red corset topped off with bright red platforms. Madam Pince had done the old headmasters make-up, caking his wrinkles with foundation and blush. His usually purpley-colored lips were a bright shade of red, matching his red fishnet tights. I suspect a red theme going on here. 

"He met Marmalade down in old Moulin Rouge, strutting her stuff on the street... she said, 'Hello, hey Joe, you wanna give it a go?'" Dumbledore wheezed, trying his best to dance like a prostitute. The crowd went wild and threw various undergarments and flowers at him. A large white thing hit the old man in the face and he saw that this certain undergarment belonged to a smiling Irish fellow in the crowd.  
"He sat in her boudoir while she freshened up, boy drank all that magnolia wine. On her black satin sheets is where he started to freak..." The 150 year old man made his way down into the crowd and sat upon a very suprised but very happy Ravenclaw student and propositioned him, "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Ce soir?"  
Ernie MacMillian grinned triumphantly and skipped off with Dumble clutching his heart as the song faded out. 

The crowd hushed in anticipation, as Dean Thomas walked along the catwalk sporting the latest cowboy fashion. Everyone wondered what song this West-lover was going to sing.  
"Wicked wild, wicked, wicked wild, wild, wicked wild, wicked, wicked wild, wild, wicked wicked wicked, wild, wild, wicked wild, wild west!" Everyone screamed at Dean Thomas's gunning pelvic moves.  
"Jim West, desperado, rough rider, no you don't want nada, none of this 6 gunnin this brother running, this buffalo soldier, look it's like I told ya; any damsel that's in distress, be out of that dress when she meet Dean T, roughneck so go check the law and abide, watch your step worth flex, and get a hold of your side, swallow your pride, don't let your lip react..." Dean said just before Ron's lip reacted... hahahahaha. 

The song ended and the stage was graced with many fine young and old singers including Percy who did a rousing 'Thong Song' wearing nothing BUT a thong! Then there was Adrian Puccey, who started a Great Hall sing-a-long with the famous Full House theme song, as everybody knew the words to this hit TV show. Neville wowed the crowd as he crawled along the stage, belting out 'Crawling' by Linkin Park. The Weasley Twins did an entertaining Hand Song, singing about how Fred's hand was George's hand and so on. 

Next up was Susan Bones. Wearing her bone costume, or bone Pajamas- she walked up onto the stage carrying bone a skeleton chart bone and a pointer. "The knee bone's connected to the- thigh bone!" she sung, pointing to the appropriate bone on bone the chart. "The thigh bones connected to Susan bone" Hermione laughed at bone this cool logic as Susan continued, now bobbing up bone and down in time to bone the music. "The hip bone's connected to the- neck bone! The neck bone's connected to the- toe bone! The toe bone's connected to eye bone! Go bones go! Dun dun dun..." She was boned off stage and the next act bone begun. 

"Ooo a slow tune..." said Seamus, rubbing up against Dennis Creevy- his NEW Draco, and making sure he was 2460 meters away from Draco.  
"What's Seamus trying to do?" Harry asked. Ron popped out from behind the speakers and made some handicapped noises. "*handicapped noise* Harry, yay *handicapped noise* duh Harry. Trying to turn water into rum *handicapped noise*." 

Madam Pince turned on the smoke machines and pressed play on the stereo. Draco and Harry walked in slow motion onto the stage, wearing billowy white shirts and pants. There were two microphones in there stands at the front of the stage and Draco walked up to his. "Before we say goodbye, before we turn and walk away... lets give it one more try, before we say goodbye..." Draco sung like a dragon.  
"Before we close the door, before we go our separate ways... stop and find out why, before we say goodbye" Harry crooned, and they both pulled the microphones off the stands and faced each other.  
"We've been down this road before..." Draco sung.  
"And we've always made it through, ooh-ooh" Harry harmonized.  
"But incase we break up," Draco sung again.  
"Can I still have sex with you?" Harry joined in with Draco and they both sung in perfect harmony and looked into each others eyes and Harry whispered something crappy like, "My dragon..." and they both shimmied off stage. 

Much to everyrons surprizzzze Adrian jumped back onstage and did an acoustic version of 'What's My Age Again?'... get it... Age.... AGE... Adrian.... (A.N That was especially for MiakaMalfoy!). Then Ron jumped up wearing some sort of hand-me-down robes or some shit and sung a song about money... or lack of it. Next up, Hermione wowed the crowed with 'Nigga Wit A Badge' getting everyone to sing the 'freeze muthafucka' bits, as everybody had the Fast and The Furious Soundtrack and were all big Ja Rule fans. The Hufflepuff Badger and Colin Creevy did a photogenic roll of film of the camera developing 'Dirty Pop' complete with trashy NSync dance moves, perfected by the badger himself. "Dirty pop, yo, J. T." Creevy raped, pointing to the badger, a.k.a. 'J.T' in a homie-like way.  
"Dirty pop, baby you can't stop, I know you like this dirty pop... this must be...." the badger himself badgered, growling and giving the crowd a good bodgering. Chow and Hagrid did an X-rated performance of Hawksley Workman's 'Striptease'. Sirius Black, an unregistered Animagi man who escaped from Azkaban in book 3 sung 'How much is that doggy in the window?' and transformed into a dog for all the 'woof woof' bits. 

Next was Flitwick, who wowed to crowd with that annoying 'Its a Small World After All' song, charming a whole bunch of leppy leprechauns to sing and dance like puppets along to the song. Even the Quidditch Captain of the Gryffindor team, Oliver Wood participated and was booed off stage after a very short 'Scuppers The Sailor Dog' verse. People even threw tomatoes, and bones left over from Susan's Bones song. 

Seamus was up next, but had to perform at the back of the stage because he had to stay 250 meters away from Draco and he didn't want to go to Azlanbakankebab. The music for 'Picture of You' started up and Seamus did some hard-out Stephen Gateley leg wiggling dance. The music slowly faded into 'Flying Without Wings' and Seamus literally flew without wings over the crowd and landed back on stage just in time for the new Irish Popstars song, fronted by the famous Irish Singer Ronan O'Feeley. Everyone threw four leaf clovers at the end of Seamus's medley and pots of gold as well. Ron ran around trying to catch all the gold because he was poor and he hoped this time the gold wouldn't disappear. 

And now for the grand finale! In matching costumes; Oliver Wood, Ginny, Millicent, Dean T, Vin, Ernie MacMillan, Blaise, Penelope Clearwater and Age took their positions on the stage. Oh my god they were S Club 7! The 13 students bounded around the stage, singing happy pop crap in the S Club way! Everyone screamed for Vin- or Crabbe as he was known on the street- the loudest! 

What a great way to end the Kareoke Finals! 

  
**A.N:** I wonder who's going to win the Kareoke Finals? Keep reviewing! Woo! Thanks to all the reviewers and fans of our story!!!!! 


	7. Chapter Seven: Skin and Bone Susan Bones...

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, 4 very unlikely students discover the meaning of life.  
**Disclaimer:** HP is owned by JK. slytherinsRsexyer7283/beater#4 R kewl. 

  
**Chapter 7: Skin and Bone... Susan Bones that is!**

_ You must have heard it from my best friend  
She's always talking when she should be listening  
Couldn't keep a secret to save her life  
But still I trusted her with all I felt inside  
- Aaron Carter, "Crush On You"_

~ 

Tom Riddle scurried away with his Basilisk sliming behind, carrying his Kareoke Final trophy on its beak, while Susan was enjoying a game of KnuckleBONES in the Gryffindor common room.  
"Oh no, we have Gymnastic Studies with Slytherin!" Seamus squeaked, while he pulled all the sheets off Ron's bed and wrapped himself up in them. Unknowingly he had wrapped up Harry who was asleep in Ron's pillowcase at that very moment.  
Dean Thomas put up his West, Shane- Shane West that is!- poster.  
"Oh no we have breakfast with Slytherin!"   
"They're not that bad........" Harry winked at Draco who was in the other side of the castle in his bedroom who unknowingly winked back.  
The Scooby Gang made their way down to Cornelius's feet, the smell of bacon and cheese was overpowering and everyone's stomach rumbled. All at the same time!  
"Where's the cannon?" Neville fighted.  
"You know perfectly well where MY cannon is..." Seamus exploded. 

If you were wondering where Hermione was, she was in some dark corner with Lockhart trying to get her grade changed. 

"Hey Ron, I don't really like Hermione." Harry confessed.  
"Look Harry, you're my best friend and you can tell me anything." Ron said concerned.  
"What? I just told you I didn't like Hermione." said Harry, annoyed at his poor friend.  
"Yeah, its nice that we got rid of pumpkin juice isn't it?" Vin Diesel revved his car sexily.  
"Yesssss Seamus is here!" Patty Patil exclaimed, as the Irish fellow swaggered to the table. But before one word could be uttered from Seamus's mouth, a flood of owls swooped down with today's mail.  
"Bloody hell!" Blaise called, annoyed at the feathers that had piled into his porridge. The Great Hall was soon filled with annoyed shouts. Wibble, Crabbe's trusty owl had in fact urinated into Percy's carrot juice. Unknowingly Percy drained his glass, liking the distinct tang his juice had today. Ron's old owl had died in somebody's roast chicken and was eaten up. Everyone's food and drink were filled with owl droppings. Only a select few had noticed this but the rest of the hall didn't.  
"Yay! The annual Weasley family newsletter!" Hermione screeched opening hers excitedly.  
"Oooh! Bill's written an entire page this year!" Screech said.  
Dean ripped Seamus open- I mean, his letter open. "Wow! Ginny got a new diary last month!"  
From across the room, Blaise could be heard exclaiming, "Ahhhh, Percy has a centerfold this year!"  
Harry read the opening paragraph out loud to the entire hall, which was written by Mrs Weasley herself. "We made $3 this year, which was enough for us to pay for the postage and printing of the newsletter! After the embarrassing escapade with Fred and George becoming... closer than we would expect, $3 has stretched a lot further in this household because they were shipped off to Azlankabakebab." Harry paused, waited for silence as he could hear everyone in the room's eyes following what he had just read. 

"I got the Mr Weasley sticker! I want to trade for a George sticker!" Justin Finch-Fletcherly cried out loud.  
"No sorry, I only have Percy in the shower..." Marcus Flint brushed his teeth.  
"Ahem." Harry cleared his throat and continued. "We are also pleased to announce that Ron has made us so proud! He and Seamus are so happy together and I hear Seamus's family actually have money! Here's hoping for a wedding! And Percy has just informed me...... that he didn't mean to see Dumble naked! Sorry old man!"  
"Ooh, there's a picture!" Lavender smelled.  
"Not of Dumbledore you sick freaks.... its of my brother CHARLIE in ROMAINIA.... with a DRAGON" Ron snarled.  
"And, our family would like to apologize for the embarrassing photographs that surfaced with George, Fred, Hagrid and Vincent Crabbe in a rather uncompromising position..."  
At this Crabbe turned a deep shade of mahogany, and collected Wibble out of the pile of rock cakes, leaving breakfast for once and for all. 

Suddenly all the rival houses Gryffindor and Slytherin were preparing for their Gymnastics class with Professor Barty Crouch.  
"Can I trade anyone for a blue lycra suit? Purple's just not my color!" Lavender colored. Draco snatched the skin-tight purple lycra suit and began changing right in front of everyone. S-l-o-w-l-y he unclasped his robe and let Neville scurry away with it and started choking on Seamus's dodgy Irish fluffy toy. Dancing around the room, he grabbed Pansy's attention but she was too slow because the boy who lived stepped in front of her and removed the toy and saved Draco's life! 

Barty Crouch crouched into the changing rooms, already wearing his SKIN-TIGHT FLURO ORANGE LYCRA SUIT with a hood. It showed all his curves- or in his case, all his wrinkles and lumps.  
"Now today kids..." Barty's wrinkles could be seen wobbling inside his suit, "I'm going to show you all how to crouch into various positions. Everyone grab a partner- not literally grab, Mr Finnegan!"  
Draco partnered with Harry, Blaise partnered with Hagrid, Hermione partnered with Terry Boot and last but not least, Ernie partnered with Warwick Davis.   
"Now, everyone stand like this," Barty demonstrated the first pre-crouch position that they were to learn. But Seamus had another thing in mind and didn't even have his gym gear on and was chasing Neville around the room in a pale Irish blur, snapping Neville's suit elastic on various parts of his body.  
"What's Seamus trying to do?" Harry asked. Ron popped out from behind the lycra and made some handicapped noises. "*handicapped noise* Harry, yay *handicapped noise* duh Harry. Trying to turn water into rum *handicapped noise*."  
Lee Jordan came back from his holiday in the South Afghanistan. And hooted.  
"Hey Ron, can I borrow some money?" Harry asked his unwealthy penniless friend.  
"Harry that's NOT FUNNY!" Ron was in hysterics and ran out of the class crying, as did the rest of the class because Barty Crouch was doing something strange and unhealthy.  
That signaled the end of class because Professor Crouch was in need of a hip replacement. 

"Look Harry, I'm your best friend you can tell me anything." Ron sympathized walking out of the class and running away. Harry defeated Voldemort and made his way into the Great Hall because it was lunch and he was hungry. 

But this lunchtime was different. Dumbledore had lost half-his beard and everyone was acting strange...  
"What did your mum get you for Christmas Harry?" Hermione screamed in the boy who lived's face.  
"Hey Ron, can I borrow some money?" Harry asked peacefully, laughing at his expense. Ron cried.  
"So... I hear you have the dark mark." Dennis Creevy tried to make conversation with the bleached nemesis, Draco Malfoy.   
"How's your teeth?" Someone said randomly to Marcus Flint. He hid his teeth in shame.  
"Oh I didn't know you were related to Flitwick." Harry took a jab at Draco's hurt ego. Stupid git.  
"That's a nice book Ron... a little TOO nice if you ask me. Where'd you 'buy' it from again?" Dean T noted, knowing his parents could never afford even a page from that book. Ron blushed as red as Seamus's underwear.  
"I hear Boyzone broke up..." Crabbe poked Seamus who burst into Irish tears.  
"It must be fun having a dad who's a Death Eater." Fred phelped to Draco. Draco scowled.  
"I hear Stephen Gateley is gay." Pansy said, comforting the sandy-haired boy who seemed to cheer up a little.  
"That's a nice diary Ginny... a little TOO nice if you ask me. Where'd you 'buy' it from again?" Dean T noted again, knowing his parents could never afford even a pen for her diary. Ginny blushed as red as Seamus's underwear.  
"So, how blind are you?" Goyle inquired, taking Harry's glasses off.  
"Which twin are you?" Millicent bleated, causing George to jump on Fred's lap, distraught.  
"Oh, so how old are you again? 7?" Susan Bones (that bitch!) bonesed to Draco who just shook his head sadly.  
"How many bones have you broken today Susan?" Harry rebutted. Everyron hated Susan now.  
"I heard the Gryffindor Quidditch captain sucked. Yeah, they're trying to kick him off the team." Angelina Johnson informed Oliver Wood.  
"Its so cool how Cedric died." Ron finally said, 'accidentally' cutting off Chow's finger.  
"So I hear Harry is the real descendant to Salazar Slytherin..." Buckbeak groaned to Draco. Leave Draco alone! Draco started to cry.  
"Its so cool how nobody likes you Chow." Draco laughed and pointed at this stupid annoying damn ugly git.  
"So my parents are sane, how about yours?" Penelope Clearwater cleared the water and loped to Neville.  
"Hey you look like that guy off the Harry Potter movie..." Ron ronned to himself.  
"Nice teeth." Justin Finch-Fletcherly huffled to Marcus Flint, who again hid his teeth in shame.  
"Hey Lavender Brown, isn't your best friend Yellow Green?" Heath Ledger ledged. What a legend! Ledge!  
"Four-eyes. Hahahahhahahhah!" Hermione pointed at Harry's face, laughing.  
"Ever heard of tanning lotion?" Lee Jordan commentated with his loud speaker-like mouth at Draco.  
"So how many bottles of platinum hair dye do you go through a week?" Adrian Puccey sniffed, asking a very VERY upset Draco who ran from the Great Hall bawling his eyes out. 

"Yer." Hagrid gianted.  
Draco pulled out his packet of Marlboro cigarettes that he had stolen from Quirrell's turban. He lit it and took a l-o-n-g and sexy drag from it and s-l-o-w-l-y exhaled the smoke.... yummm...  
And along came Harry. "Godamn you're sexy when you do that..."  
"What?"   
"I mean- Hagrid's sexy when he.... err..."  
"Ew don't finish that sentence."  
"So.............................."  
"Wanna go do it in that bush over there?"  
"Okay."  
But before they could even move, that damn Irish pain-in-the-ass bounded along singing some sort of Irish lullaby about leprechauns that come in the night. Seamus wondered what the odd looking white stick that was on fire was doing in Draco's mouth. As he was Irish, he didn't know what cigarettes were. Where HE came from, they smoked Leprechaun toenails.  
"Damnit Seamus I was just about to score." Harry scowled, trudging back into the castle.  
"Oh well, tomorrows another day!" Bruce Willis terrorized. 

  
**A.N:** Did you get our clue about them being outside at the end? See if you can spot it! Poor Ron... haha excuse the pun! Review! Wooo! 


	8. Chapter Eight: Pilot

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Oliver Wood's been accepted to play Quidditch for England leaving Kirsty and the baby behind. How will they cope?  
**Disclaimer:** J.K Rowling is a genius, the magic behind Harry Potter. We own the glitter in Harry and Draco's hair. 

  
**Chapter Eight: Pilot**

_ And then I saw her face  
Now I'm a believer   
Not a trace   
Of doubt in my mind   
I'm in love   
I'm a believer   
I couldn't leave her if I tried   
- Smashmouth, "I'm a Believer"_

~ 

Previously On Dawson's Creek...  
Neville strutted into the Ravenclaw Girls Dorms wearing black woolen footless tights, a tight pastel pink T-shirt which was tucked into the tights and a fluro orange cardigan which was two sizes too big.  
"Whatssss going ooooooonnn??" Neville said drugily stoneily.  
"Call me Mr T." Dean Thomas- I mean, Mr T gnawed.  
Fred and George slinked into the room and crept quietly under Ron's bed, giggling.  
The moon shined as the boys got changed into their nighties and night-caps, apart from Seamus who really got into the spirit of things and put on an elephant costume. 

Harry pulled back the covers on his bed and was just about to climb in, but found a Dumbledore lying there.  
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Harry screamed like a girl and Seamus jumped into Harry's arms.  
"SILENCE!" Dumbledore sat up, leaving a small clump of grey hair in Harry's sheets, which Percy snuck in unnoticed and pocketed this clump of hair, saving it for later. 

"Goodnight Harry." Crabbe snarled, clutching Dean- Mr T's sheets.  
"Goodnight Susan." Susan said to herself, snuggling up to her Bone Thugs.  
"Goodnight Buckbeak." Hagrid Dodged.  
"Goodnight Ron." Oliver phelped.  
"Goodnight Vernon." Barty Crouched, twanging his lycra suit in his sleep.  
"Goodnight McGonagall." Winky winked dodgily, sending chills up Millicint's spine.  
"Goodnight Mr T." Dean Thomas put up his West Irish Popstars poster.  
"Goodnight Nev." Treffor ribbited to Jason Biggs.  
"Treffor! You shouldn't be here! I told you it was over! Now get out of my bed before someone sees you!" Crookshanks hissed.  
"Goodnight Hagrid." Harry fondly smiled, remembering that time in his hut....  
"Goodnight Seamus." Dumbledore gave Seamus a souvenir piece of his beard which had fallen out.  
"Goodnight everyron!." Seamus probed probably.  
"Goodnight Moon." The sun said sleazily.  
"Goodnight Sirius." Rube bruced.  
"Goodnight Draco." Harry hugged Draco tightly.  
"Goodnight Harry." Draco breathed fire like a dragon.  
"Goodnight Dedalus Diggle." Oliver Wood diggled.  
"Goodnight Blaise." Zabini glazed.  
"Goodnight Chuck Norris." Hermione said coolly with logic.  
"Goodnight Filch." Adam Sandler sandled. 

The dorm was all quiet and not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Until a faint Irish whisper hushed over the class.   
"Harry, I think there's a leprechaun in my bed. Can you come over and check it out?" Seamus hopped back into bed as Harry came over.  
"Um... well NOW there's a leprechaun in your bed, but that's just YOU Seamus." Harry said, eager to get back to his bed which was occupied by the blonde haired nemesis of the scarred blind raven haired boy who lived- Draco Malfoy.  
But before Harry could even move, Seamus had grabbed him unsuspectingly by his nightie cord and pulled him under the Irish sheets to his underground lair. Harry let out a muffled scream, which was muffled because Seamus had gagged and bound him to a chair. If he could have said something, it would have been "What's Seamus trying to do?" and Ron would have popped out from behind Seamus's dodgy Irish fluffy toy and made some handicapped noises. "*handicapped noise* Harry, yay *handicapped noise* duh Harry. Trying to turn water into rum *handicapped noise*."  
But all this didn't really happen because Harry had a gag on. Ew dodgy Seamus.  
Seamus cackled. "Welcome to my underground lair!" 

The next morning, was Valentines Day which meant the Yule Ball was tonight!  
"Who are YOU going with?" Fred stuttered phelpily. Ice Cube shrugged meltily.  
"I really wanted to go with Hermione, but bones she's going with someone else..." Professor Lupin wolfed.  
"I'm going with Neville!" Goyle squealed.  
"I'd watch out for that pillow if I were you..." Robert Binns said mind controllingly and made a coffee.  
Seamus turned on the television and gagged and bound everybody and threw them all in his underground lair because he wanted to watch 'the Creek' in peace.  
"Mr Brooks just died!" Mr T remembralled.  
"Shhh! Dawson's just about to kill Mitch!" Adam built himself out of monster parts.  
"Oh no! We have Arts and Crafts with Slytherin!" Pansy parkinsed.  
"Aha! Another Weasley..." Neville cried.  
"I know just what to do with yyyyyyyyyyou!" Hannah Abott spanked, a Hufflepuff girl in the same year as Harry.  
"Oooh and a thirst to prove yourself..." Adrian Puccey stopped at the carrot juice drinking fountain because he was thirsty. 

Suddenly everyone was seated in plastic colored chairs at low tables in Arts and Crafts class in groups of four, surrounded by safety scissors, sellotape, colored markers, crayons, glitter shakers and paste.  
Professor Walsh walked in wearing a white lab coat, carrying some colored card and some monster parts.  
She put some cardboard on each of the tables and took the monster parts over to her lab table. Then she sat at the computer and typed 'Do not panic.' and the computer said, "Do Not Panic." Then it said, "We will patrol as usual." Everyone nodded and grabbed their favorite colored card. "Go. Help maintain order." The computer shared and everyone got to work making their Valentines Day mailboxes. 

"Please pass the paste Hawwy..." Draco spoke quietly.  
"I can't, Seamus has already eaten it all..." Harry said apologetically and everyone looked at Seamus who had glue dripping from his mouth. "But you can use sellotape..." Harry offered. Draco nodded and quickly started taping together random bits of yellow card.  
Harry started cutting out heart shapes with his safety scissors from blue card, planning on gluing- sorry, sellotaping them all over his mailbox later on.  
Fred and George were putting the finishing touches on their joint mailbox. Fred was crayoning the words, 'F + G = *heart*' while George was sprinkling brown glitter all over the box and himself.  
"You look sparkling delicious George," Oliver Phelps twin-kled.  
Meanwhile, Harry and Draco were having problems opening the silver glitter shaker.  
"No, you have to turn it this-" Draco pulled on the lid as hard as he could and the shaker opened, sprinkling silver glitter all over Harry and Draco. Harry giggled. Draco blushed. 

Justin Finch-Fletcherly cut out some very very very small box shapes out of his red card, because he was making a small mailbox, not expecting to get any Valentines this year.  
Seamus started gluing round pieces of green card together using his very big and stickily Irish tongue.  
"I'm sick of Carrot juice!" Neville foamed at the mouth and started cutting up his woolen tights crazily with his safety scissors. Ron scurried about collecting the bits of Titus tights to make some clothes out of later. 

Unknowingly to everyone in the class, behind the white curtain at the front of the class was a lab table. Professor Walsh had just finished sewing together her latest creation because Seamus ate all the glue. She was just putting away the Ice Pick and was just about to address the class when she got stabbed in the stomach by a monster arm-spear.  
"Adam?" Professor Walsh whispered creepily, sliding off the bone skewer and onto the floor.  
"Mommy?" Adam said monsterly. 

Executive Producer  
JOSS WHEDON 

  
**A.N:** Did you get our clue about it being night-time? Wow! It looks like Chelsea and the baby did cope after all! PLEASE review! Review! Review! 


	9. Chapter Nine part 1: Seamus, Lies and Vi...

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, over the spring break several students get turned into vampires by an unsuspecting student- Terry Boot  
**Disclaimer:** J.K all the way! 

  
**Chapter 9 (part 1): Seamus, Lies and Videotape**

_ If you think that I'm a loser...  
Well you suck  
Cos you know I ain't nothing, but a loser   
Of your love I can't get enough  
Girl its true   
The whole wide world is smiling with you  
- Ween, "Push The Little Daisies"_

~ 

During the night, the house elves sorted out all the Valentines mail and delivered it to their respective recipients. Everyone's mailboxes had been sellotaped to their bedposts, except for Seamus who had "accidentally" glued himself to his mailbox. Orlando, was the unfortunate house elf who had to deliver Seamus's mail, had a hard time fitting the mail into the slot because Seamus kept moving around. 

The next morning, everyone awoke to piles of Valentines Cards... well, not everyone.... 

Fred and George:  
"Hey Ginny, can you sort out our mail?" Fred asked, as the twins had only made one mailbox to share.  
"Fred, Fred, Fred.... Fred, Fred..." Ginny sorted. "Fred... George, Fred, Fred, Fred- Oh no sorry George that one's for Fred.... Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred..." and she continued sorting until there was none left. Fred had about 60 or so cards from most of the people in school, while George only had one card. Which was from Fred. 

Draco:  
The tired blonde Slytherin rubbed his eyes and excitedly pulled down his golden glittered yellow mailbox from his bedpost, tipping out all of the cards onto his bed. He rummaged through the pile, picking out a silver and green glittery one with a messy crayon drawing of him and Harry holding hands on the front.  
He opened the card, which was filled with silver glitter. Draco sprinkled some in his hair and admired his prettiness. 

_ Dearest Dragon,  
Our love is like a fire breathing dragon  
Norwegian Ridgeback- my brother CHARLIE... in ROMANIA  
Shut up Ron!  
Anyway...  
I love you, come give me a hug...  
Happy Valentines Day.  
Love your Lion  
Harry. _

Seamus:  
The Irish sandy haired boy opened his eyes pornographically and moved his hand s-l-o-w-l-y southward to his 'male box'.  
"No no not *that* mail box..." Seamus scolded himself, noting to spank himself later.  
He reached in to the slot and slowly pulled out an envelope. Fumbling Irish hands ripped open the seal and he hungrily pulled out the card. 

_HAPPY BIRTHDAY RON!!!  
Hope you like your 'presents'  
Love your favorite Marauder..  
James Potter_

Seamus tossed this card aside, as he would give it to Ron later because he didn't want Ron to catch a cold tonight.  
He chose another, and opened the red sparkly card. 

_ I love your Irish Smiling Eyes  
And your sandy hair  
And I blush  
And put my elbow in the butter dish  
Reminds me of an Irish Beach  
I'll be your pot of gold  
I write your name in my diary  
My brother likes you too  
At the end of the rainbow  
Love your Leprechaun,  
Anonymous. _

Harry:  
The raven-haired Gryffindor Quidditch Seeker who was ironically blind without his glasses and had a scar that looked remarkably like a lightening bolt and dubbed 'the boy who lived' among friends and family awoke and put on his glasses so he could see. Harry suppressed a delighted squeal as he saw his blue hearted mailbox was filled with colored cards and envelopes. He spotted a super-sized envelope that wouldn't even fit in the mailbox, sitting on top. It was an off-brown color and there were stains on it like grubby hands the size of dust-bin lids had sent it. Harry opened it and enclosed was a scrap of parchment with a short poem on it. 

_Harrie  
I lov yer green Iyes,  
Yer hare iz so soffte  
Lov HaGreid_

"Um... cool..." Harry tossed it into Ron's Collection Bin. He eyed a pretty pink sparkly envelope that had his name spelled correctly on the front. Opening it, some pink glitter spilled onto his nightie. Harry giggled. The card had a jumbo-marker drawing of a lion and a snake with a heart in the middle. 

_Dearest Lion,  
Our love is like a roaring Chuebakka  
Argh Arrghgghrghrrhghing in the sun...  
Um I'm sorry, I'm not good at writing poems.  
Happy Valentines Day,  
Love your Dragon/Snake  
Draco xxx ooo xxx ooo xxx ooo_

Other people that got valentines were people such as Marcus Flint, who received an anonymous poem from Susan Bones about how she liked his teeth. Mr T got quite a few V-Day cards this year, many of which were West posters that he already had. He put them all up anyway. Ron was too poor to have a mailbox or a bed so he had a second hand pile of cards that weren't even addressed to him that he was using as a pillow. 

Hermione's not in this chapter because she's in the corner trying to get her grade changed with the freshly dead Professor Walsh. 

Dumbledore had a few old wrinkly cards in his crusty box, from Barty Crouch, Lucius Malfoy, Nicholas Flammel, Grindelward and Salazar Slytherin.  
For tonight was the YULE BALL! 

  
**A.N:** Wow! Did you get our clues about who was the person that sent Seamus that anonymous card? This is just the first part in a two part installment of this chapter! Woo! PLEASE review! Review! Review! 


	10. Chapter Nine part 2: Tabula Croucha

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Snape has found an unlikely connection with one of the students.  
**Disclaimer:** J.K Rowling wrote Harry Potter. 

  
**Chapter 9 (part 2): Tabula Croucha**

_ I came into this world as a reject look into these eyes  
Then you'll see the size of these flames  
Dwellin on the past its burnin' up my brain  
Everyone that burns has to learn from the pain  
Hey I think about the day my girlie ran away with my pay  
When fellas come to play  
No she stuck with my homies that she fucked  
And I'm just a sucker with a lump in my throat  
- Limp Bizkit, "Nookie"_

~ 

Everyone slowly made their ways down to the Great Hall for a V-Day brekkie feast. The Hall was ablur with red and pink hearts and Snape was wearing a frilly pink heart summer gown. Excited talk filled greatly the room.  
"OMG I got a card from CEDRIC!!!! this year!" Chow chowed, showing everyone a card *from* Cedric while she dragged his corpse behind her.  
"Yeah... cool... ha me too...." Goyle tried to do godknows what.  
"SILENCE!" The old man up the front who was the headmaster, babbled. "It has come to my attention that we have a poor student among us who wishes to remain anonymous. He has requested that we put collection bins around the school, so if you see a 'RON COLLECTION BIN' sign, please give rags and food scraps generously. That is all!"  
And then the old man died and clapped his hands. At this, all the plates were filled with Valentine themed-food such as heart-shaped sausages and pink toast. Real human hearts also floated above the tables, replacing the overused floating candles for once. 

Meanwhile, the fairytale monster was floating around the school looking for 7 hearts. 

"Hey Harry, I reckon we should donate some nice expensive clothes that we no longer want... yeah..." Ron suggested, looking around nervously. "I could do with some new robes- I mean, that err.... boy... could do with some new robes... yeah..."  
"Yay Ron. I don't like poor people-" but Harry was interrupted by the Trolley Lady.  
"Anything off the trolley dears?"  
"No thanks, I'm all set, Mum made me some sandwiches that we can't really afford anyway... my brother CHARLIE in ROMAINIA...." Ron told his life story.  
In the girls section of the table, Hermione and Lavender and Yellow were all giggling about Hermione's valentine from a certain black dreaded Quidditch commentator.  
"Well, he has got young blood..." Hermione giggled.  
"Ew, but his mouth is just so abnormally large!" Seamus Irished.  
"And what's with that vibrating thing he does?" Lavender nudged Yellow.  
But Hermione didn't care. She was in love! 

Meanwhile at the other end of the table in the boys section, Harry was giving Draco a big Valentines Day hug.  
"So, what are you wearing Draco?" Neville longed.  
"I'm wearing a pair of denim blue Dickies pants, a white wife-beater and a light blue long-sleeved shirt which happens to be unbuttoned."  
"So, what are you wearing Harry?" Bottomed Neville.  
"A red button-up short sleeved shirt and tight dark blue denim jeans." Mmmm Harry and Draco looked wheat.  
Ginny noted all this in her Diary so she wouldn't forget.... okay...  
"Oh no, there are no classes with Slytherin today because its Valentines Day!" Helga Hufflepuffed.  
"What are you wearing to the ball Osama?"  
"I was thinking of threading some ribbons through my orange beard and raping some Pete's..." Professor Binns bombed.  
And the general chit-chat at the Great Table became who was going with who and who was wearing what.... to the......... YULE BALL!!! Which was.... tonight! 

Suddenly it was evening.  
Seeing as it was St Patrick's night, the carpet the couples had to walk on to enter the hall was green instead of red. Snape positioned the spotlight (which was in the shape of a heart) aiming it at the main doors, which burst open and the first couple walked down the green carpet. 

Which was... Oliver Wood who was sporting a very white Sailing outfit, accompanied by his partner for the evening which was a dog who was wearing some sort of Sailor hat. Following him, in a lovely shade of brown was Mr T and his hoe- I mean, date- Pansy Parkinson who looked absolutely sluttish with her caked on make-up, red mini-skirt and whorish black top. Ew. Next, the heart spotlight was on the Finnegan himself, who was decked out in a snazzy green little Irish number, with a four-leaf clover shaped bow tie. And his date? Ron Weasley stepped into the room, wearing some hand-me-down robes. Hermione swept into the room gracefully with her date, Luke Youngblood as Lee Jordan was suspiciously unavailable. They both wore matching outfits of Fluro Yellow lycra suits with hoods that Barty Crouch had kindly let them borrow. Unfortunately wrinkle marks had been left because the previous wearer had not washed the stains out. Woo! 

Next, Harry and Draco walked in, hand in hand. They were both wearing black tuxedos with bow ties. Harry had ditched his glasses for the evening and was wearing contact lenses. He had also gelled the front portion of his hair up into a sexy flick. Draco hadn't done his hair in the usual slicked-back style, it looked like it had been trimmed and he now actually had a parting. You could see his brown re-growth because he hadn't bleached his hair in a while.... yummmmm. 

Everyone else came in without much fanfare because they aren't very important.  
A local wizard band, Enmasse, had lent their musical talents for the evening and had started with a nice slow number called, 'Break My Heart'.  
Harry led Draco over to the punch bowl which Barty Crouch Jr popped out of.  
"Well tonight Mathew, I'm going to be.... Osama Bin Ladin"  
"I like carrot juice as well!" Harry thanked Petunia and him and Draco moved off into a dark secluded area of the Hall and drunk their spiked punch.  
In another corner, Hagrid was asking Filch some personal questions.  
"So why'd yer call yer cat 'Mrs Norris?'" Hagrid stared at Harry with his beetle-eyes.  
"I'm a fan of Chuck Norris. Always have been. Gots to have your wits about yeh." Filch waved around his lantern in time to the music. 

Meanwhile, George and Fred were propositioning everything that moved, as the spiked punch had also gotten to them.  
"Can I phelp you up?" George leaned skankily into James Phelps, giggling.   
"Mars is bright tonight..." Millicint strode over like a bull.  
Oliver Wood lit a fire with his surname, warming everyone up... or was it the punch? Enmasse decided it was time to release some new material and sung 'Break My Heart'. 

Harry caught a glimpse of Ron across the room, wearing what suspiciously looked like his old robes he had donated to the 'RON COLLECTION BIN' a few days ago. Ron was the only one wearing robes in the entire hall and was feeling penniless. Chow partied the night away dragging around Cedric's decomposing corpse which she had dressed up for the occasion.  
Hermione was trying to impress her date with some cool logic. "Look, Lee Young Jordan Blood Luke... err... yeah! Watch this!" Hermione lifted her wand and swished and flicked, saying the magic words. "Chumbawumba Wu-Tang Clan!" Seamus squealed and a burst of smoke came out of his Irish eye socket. In response, he grabbed a handful of elastic in Lee Youngblood's costume, pulled back as far as he could and let go with a mighty Irish roar.  
"EEEEOEOEOEOOEOOEOEOEOOEAAAAHAHAHHHHAHAHAHHA!" Jordan screamed, clutching his suit in pain, his mouth was open wide and he was bouncing up and down much like a vibrating cellphone wrapped in yellow lycra with a hood. 

Something was about to happen. Something big.  
Hagrid. 

The half-giant child-man had obviously had way too much to drink. Or he was just being his normal dodgy self.  
Hagrid took some giant steps over to a secluded corner, stepping on Susan's Bones, grinding them for his bread. He began unbuttoning his pants and took some more giant steps towards the corner. 

Hagrid was out of control. Somebody had to stop him soon. And fast.  
Harry looked up just in time to see a tall giant man loom over him. In fright, he hid under Draco's shirt. 

Suddenly Hagrid was arrested for Statutory Rape and was thrown into Azlankabakebab, receiving the Dementors Kiss and dying. Harry and Draco left the Yule Ball for some fresh air and were sitting outside under a tree. Mars shone brightly as a wolf ran past, hidden in shadow. Enmasse suddenly apparated onto the stairs leading to the Main Foyer, singing one of the songs of an old album called 'Break My Heart'.  
"If I told you, I needed youuuu.... would you break my heart?" A guy that looked like Dave from The Moffatts sung, with some crappy drawings hung behind him. "If I told you, I'd DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The Dave guy belted out, and he and the other four Enmassers apparated one by one back into the hall in time to a heartbeat.  
"That Hagrid guy looks damn fine tonight!" Neville's Grandma wrinkled.  
"I liked your Valentine......" Harry blushed, playing with a piece of his hair that wouldn't stay gelled up. Draco didn't blush because Draco can't blush because he doesn't have enough blood circulating his body, so his ears just went a slight tinge of pink.  
"I liked yours too. I liked your drawing of us.." Draco giggled.  
"So... want a cigarette?" The sexy 5th year Gryffindor asked, pulling out his packet of Marlboro 25s.  
"I think Fred would like that very much..." Blast Ended Skrewt #10 blast ended skrewted skrewtily.  
Harry pulled out a cigarette for himself and watched Draco light his. Harry turned into a wibbling pile of mush and lit his cigarette as well.  
Draco leaned back skankily against the tree branch and inhaled deeply, blowing a few smoke rings and loosening his bow tie. 

"Mars is bright tonight" Harry said, lying down on the grass next to Draco.  
"Have you donated anything to the RON COLLECTION BIN?" Draco feltoned.  
"Nah, I don't like poor people... who is that bin for anyway?" Harry burned a hole in Hagrid's Hut with his cigarette, setting it on fire with Hagrid in it.  
"I dunno..." Draco absentmindedly ashed his cigarette onto Ginny's diary.  
"Tom Felton's really sexy." Harry radcliffed, throwing his cigarette butt into the forbidden forest.  
"I think its time I met your parents." Draco slithered.  
"Me too..." Harry said seriously.  
"No, I'm Sirius." Sirius popped out of nowhere.  
"No, I said I was SERIOUS."  
"Ah, but you are mistaken for I AM SIRIUS!"  
"I'm serious."  
"Sirius- that's me."  
"Serious, NOT Sirius."  
"You aren't making any sense. I'm still Sirius."  
"Serious: adjective. Grave quality or manner."  
"I'm not really an adjective."  
"Sirius has an 'I' in it. Serious has an 'E' in it."  
"No, my name has no 'E's. Its just plain Sirius. 2 'I's, no 'E's"  
"Godamnit I WANT YOU TO BE SERIOUS!"  
"I believe I already am Sirius." 

DUN DUN 

"Thank you for reading our Valentines special!" Seamus mewed, running around naked.  
"Time for a bath Seamus!" Percy shined his Hufflepuff badger. 

  
**A.N:** Did you get our clues about the tree? And thanks to that really gross Hagrid/Harry story for inspiring a lot in this chapter... ew.... PLEASE review! Review! Review! 


	11. Chapter Ten: The Te Of Pacey

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Sally-Anne Perks wakes up to find a stranger in her house who has some bad news...  
**Disclaimer:** Rowling, J.K is the magic behind Harry Potter. We're the magic behind Seamus Finnegan. 

  
**Chapter Ten: The Te Of Pacey**

_ Lookin' back on where we first met  
Yeah  
- Irish Popstars, "Crappy Guy"_

~ 

"Hi..." Seamus winked from the other side of the room which was empty. Oliver Wood winked back from the Quidditch Pitch while flying on his broom because he was Keeper of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team and Captain too!  
Dean Thomas put up his West Side Story poster. Everyone was hungover from the night before which was Adrian Puccey's Birthday Bash. Nobody could remember what had happened, or who Adrian Puccey was- except Seamus who was keeping that information to his Irish self.  
"Oh no we have Computer Programming with Slytherin!" Colin Creevy snapped.  
"Difficult.... very difficult..." Madam Pince pinced with her pincers.  
"Slytherin will help you on your way to greatness...." Hermione breathed.  
"There's no doubt about that!" Bill grin gotted weasley.  
"Better be........ GRYFFINDOR!" Harry coughed.  
"We got Potter! We got Potter!" Leslie Phillips sorted. 

They all scurried along to wand practice with Ollivander which they had with Slytherin.  
"A waand?" Hagrid said with an American accent as everyone sat down behind the wand box shelves.  
"I've been expecting this class for a long time now..." Ollivander crustily spoke, coming really close to the people. Mr T could feel Ollivander's whiskers pricking his Blast Ended Skrewt.  
"Is that what you call it nowadays?" Doc did that scary eye thing.  
"Now everybody, pull out your wands- NO Seamus, not that wand... and pull out your OWN wands please."  
Everyone set to work on the assignment they got assigned to and started a class discussion about Ron, who at the moment was too poor to attend class today.  
"I just found out who that RON COLLECTION BIN is for! Its for Seamus, I tell ya!" Tom Riddle accused the sandy haired Irish leprechaun lover.  
"Well I heard it was for Hannah Abott..." Ron laughed nervously.  
"Dumbledore just confirmed that the RON COLLECTION BIN is for..... Ron Weasley!" Lee Jordan commentated with his young blood. Excited whispers filled the wand store/class.  
"No way!" Someone gasped.  
"Get outta here!" Someone sopranoed.  
"Poor Ron..." Fred laughed at his out of money brother.  
"I heard Ron steals food from the Great Hall off everybody's plates while they're not looking." McGonagall sniggered.  
"Did you see what he was wearing today? It's an old potato sack he stole from Dumbledore!" Neville remembered.  
"No way! He told me it was a robe he bought!" Snape cried hysterically.  
"Curious.." Tigger bounced.  
"Ron's so poor he can't afford free things." Gringotts Goblin #2 joked comediacally.  
Hermione passed around some badges that said, 'S.F.R' on them.  
"What does S.F.R stand for?" Seamus said and accidentally pricked himself.  
"Scraps For Ron. I'm starting a new campaign to collect food scraps for our fellow student. After every meal I'll pass around a doggy bag and if you have any scraps left on your plate please give generously." 

After finishing waving their wands around and discussing their credit card declined friend, everyone climbed over to Cooking with Mr Fudge.  
"Oh no, we have Cooking with Slytherin!" Goyle goyed coyly.  
"Plenty of courage I see." Aunt Marge dogged dogily.  
"Not a bad mind either..." Seamus dublined.  
"So where shall I put you?" Buckbeak bit Hagrid on his dustbin lid sized hand. 

The cooking class was run by a pudgy little old man child by the name of Corny Fudge, brother to Barty Crouch Jr.  
Everyone sat in the smoky classroom, which was smoky because Hermione was piping away in the corner. Corny Fudge swept into the room stickily, wearing tacky jewelry and many shawls. "Watch out for Seamus...." he divinated and passed out in the fireplace.  
Everyone moved their tables far away from the Irish man child, who was doing something dodgy with his magic 8 ball.   
"What's Seamus trying to do?" Harry asked. Ron popped out from behind the divine bracelets and made some handicapped noises. "*handicapped noise* Harry, yay *handicapped noise* duh Harry. Trying to turn water into rum *handicapped noise*."  
By the end of the class, everyone had a nice neat stack of chocolate fudge that 'Corny' had helped them make. Marcus Flint's teeth were especially neat because he had worked harder and earned extra credit. 

"Owl time!" Pigwidgeon drawled as thousands of owls swooped down and attacked the students as they were leaving the Cooking class. Amongst all the chaos, Harry managed to find Hedwig who gave him a nicely written letter that was signed 'Dragon Malfoy'. Armando Dippet waved and flew off on his eagle owl out the window, which turned into Dumbledore who quickly died, not knowing where he was.  
Harry read the letter, which said some odd things like, 'you taste like a rib cage' and 'my son is your age'. The scarred boy who lived skipped off to find Draco and thank him for the nice apple pie, wondering if there was something Draco hadn't told him...  
Wibble, of course, was causing all the trouble. The gangsta thug had been trippin' with his homeboyz when some shit went down in the hood.  
"Can I Phelp you?" Flitwick hooted ecstatically, shooing everyone off to their dorms. Except of course... Harry who was talking to Draco...  
"Thanks for the... er... letter..." Harry WANDered.  
"What? I didn't send you a letter!" Draco, a Slytherin boy in Harry's year said huskily.  
"But... its signed 'Love from Dragon Malfoy'!" Harry quoted from his favorite letter.  
Lucius eated his way through the wall causing death and fanned Harry. "Muahahahahahhahahahhahahhaha!"  
"Ow! Someone smashed me in the mouth!" Steve Smash mouthed.  
"I wrote you the letter Harry!" The Muggle Studies teacher in Harry's 5th year at Hogwarts gurgled, curling his fingers much like Arthur Weasley around his children. Snoop Dogg snooped with his dog Snoopy and rapped that he loved Harry Potter.  
"But-" but a clown juggled interrupting the conversation and told them off for not going to their dorms, taking away 78 points from Ravenclaw. "Awere! Because tomorrow is Hogsmeade day!" The clown crawled away on his bike, honking his nose merrily and dragging one of the children down to the sewer with him. 

That night Harry slept loudly... dreaming wonderful thoughts about a certain being named Voldemort...  
"No Voldemort, don't touch me there..." Harry dream talked while Seamus sat up in his bed and listened, "Not yet while everyone's looking....." He tossed and turned. Seamus grinned. 

  
**A.N:** What's going to happen with Harry's stained sheets? Did you get our clues about Lucius being their Muggle studies teacher? Wow I sure didn't! 


	12. Chapter Eleven: The Egg and the Eye

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, what if Peter had not been a Marauder, and instead the fourth Marauder was a girl? Not just any girl - Hagrid's daughter and Severus Snape's best friend!  
**Disclaimer:** Happy Irish Day! HP copyright JKR. 

  
**Chapter Eleven: The Egg and the Eye**

_ Johnny is the joker that's been tryin' to steal my baby (he's a bird dog)  
Johnny sings a love song (like a bird)  
He sings the sweetest love song (you ever heard)  
But when he sings to my gal (what a howl)  
To me it's just a wolf dog (on the prowl)   
- The Moffatts, "Bird Dog"_

~ 

Ron watched everyone forlornly leave for Hogsmeade, his grubby poor hands pressing up against the glass as he hummed 'Money Money Money' to himself quietly, plotting a scheme.  
Crabbe and Harry led the way, galloping merrily down the cobblestone road before parting and going their separate ways. Harry grabbed Draco and dragged him into the Three Broomsticks to see if they could buy some alcoholic beverages, not noticing a poor grubby orphan child busking on the side of the street for money. It was Ron, and he was turning his rat yellow and back again.  
Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts, Ron was collecting Harry's stained sheets from last nights dream about Voldemort. Ron had big plans for those sheets.  
Chow had dragged Cedric's corpse along the cobbled road, his head lolling back creepily and banging on each stone with a dull 'thunk' 

"Have you ever experienced a Phelp?" George sleazed on some ugly looking girl that looked familiarly Irish and whose hair was on crooked.  
"Have you ever been Phelped before?" Fred leaned onto his twin who both were wearing expensive designer suits as their family was rich. The Weasley Twins continued trying to hit on this local girl, before realizing it was just Seamus in a wig... then they just hit on Seamus.  
Meanwhile, Hagrid had slipped away and had spotted Ginny on the corner of Knockturn Alley, offering her a large sum of money for her services. 

Back in Hogsmeade, everyone was crowded in the Three Broomsticks as it was snowing heavily outside. The fire was blazing away as Blaise Zabini blazed his blazer. Ron watched everyone forlornly from outside the Three Broomsticks, his grubby poor cold hands pressing up against the glass.  
The whole school was getting rowdy as they had all had way too many butterbeers. Dennis Creevy accidentally bumped into Harry, who smashed his bottle on the counter and threatened Colin with the sharp shards of glass.  
Then Hermione got all worked up and threw an entire pitcher of Vodka- I mean, Water- at herself trying to blend into the fight. Then Draco punched Harry and Crabbe threw Susan Bones by her bone into the Fire Place. Amos Diggory tried to dig up his sons body, but couldn't because Chow was still dragging it around. Seamus and Fred and George were getting rowdy but upstairs away from everyone. Dumbledore poked Winky with his walking stick and Neville turned around and fighted Ron. Adrian Puccey held his own and took on a sailor, a baker and a candlestick maker. Soon everyone was having a brawl! Harry picked up a handful of mashed potato and threw it at Draco, which hit him in the face. Draco grabbed a handful of grapes and threw them at Harry, but missed and they hit Mr T instead. And that was all. Ha! You thought there was going to be a huge food fight, didn't you? 

Back at Hogwarts, all the Gryffindors were in Neville's bed, nursing various cuts and bruises from the huge fight. Marcus Flint had broken a few teeth, Harry had a cut on his eyebrow which would soon turn into a wheat scar, Susan was all burnt and crispy, Justin Finch-Fletcherly had some warts growing on his kneecap and Doctor Bones was helping a very 'wounded' Seamus Finnegan who got up to his own 'fight' that night.  
"Those sheet stains look familiar..." Harry muttered to himself, looking at Ron's tent the orphan had pitched up using some sticks he had stolen from the Forbidden Forest. Draco stayed well away from the poor grubby dirty starved red headed Weasel because if anybody went near him he would snarl and hiss, clawing at their face with his long spindly fingers. Poor people can't talk, you see. 

"Psst... Puffapod... are you still awake?" Harry whispered across the leaves to his blonde haired nemesis because everyone was asleep.  
"Look, you're my best friend Harry... you can tell me anything!" Dementor #58 kissed.  
"Shut up Ron!" Draco Avada Kedavred to the grubby orphaned Weasel child, who just snarled in response.  
"Lets sneak out in my invisibility cloak!" Harry scarred.  
"Yes... I think I'll follow Harry and Draco in my Irish cloak..." Seamus cloaked himself in Irish.  
So Harry and Draco snuck out of the Ravenclaw common room, hidden under the invisibility cloak with a certain Irishman following close behind.  
"Lets go to the Astronomy Tower..." Draco suggested suggestively. Harry nodded, and they snuck all the way up to the Owlery were everyone already was.  
"Truth or Dare!" Fang slobbered, wanting to play.  
"Ok! Truth or Dare Terrence Higgs?" Newt Scammander swam.  
"I choose Promise!" Terrence Boot chose.  
"Promise you'll do your homework...." Rowena Ravenclaw clawed.  
"Woo! Truth or Dare, Goyle?" Goyle just grunted, and Terry Boot suspected this meant he chose Dare. "Okay! I dare you to bite Cedric's elbow!" Chow dragged Cedric along for the occasion, and once he was bitten he was mysteriously dragged off again.  
"Truth or Dare, Percy?" the dead unicorn asked.  
"Truth!!!!!!!!!!!" Percy prefected perfectly.  
"Is it true Gandalf? Is there really a ring?" Percy didn't know what to say, so he ran off with Frodo Baggins.  
"Truth or Dare?" Pansy started the round, asking Quirrell.  
"No dear boy... I tried to kill you!" Quirrell turbaned.  
"Oh, okay! I dare you to remove your turban!" Pansy squealed, as many people made notes to themselves to dare her to jump out the window. Quirrell slowly unraveled his turban, revealing a moldy Voldie face. Before his turban even touched the ground, Ron had swiped it for later.  
"Ludo Bagman, Truth or dare?" Karkaroff death eated, ending in a dare that Ludo had to put Susan in his bag.  
"George, I choose you!" Mad-Eye Moody swiveled.  
"Truth!" And the truth about George came out. He explained about how he was going to be sorted into Hufflepuff but he offered the sorting hat sex and money to sort him into Gryffindor. This was too much for his twin and they both burst out crying, dampening their expensive Armani night wear.  
Mr T got dared to change his name back to Dean Thomas, while Hermione told the truth about her affair with Rita Skeeter. Neville again told the story about how his grandmother used to play with Trevor, and Seamus was dared to do an Irish strip jig. Ginny wrote this all in her diary which she bought herself from an expensive diary store, fiddling with the strap on her expensive Donna Karen evening gown. Even Charlie from Romania joined in, and dared to share the truth about what exactly he did with those dragons. 

The game ended when it was Harry's turn, because Harry just kept daring Draco to kiss him, and then Draco would just dare Harry to kiss him back. Everyone got bored and left. Even Seamus.  
Back in the dorms, Ron saw that there was an eviction notice pinned to his sheet tent. It was from Dumbledore, and it said that he had found out about Ron illegally smuggling himself into Hogwarts. Ron was to be deported to Azlankabakebab right away! Ron packed up his tent, tying it to the end of a stick like a nap sack, and left, humming 'Money (That's What I Want)' quietly to himself. 

  
**A.N:** Poor Ron! Well now you too can make a difference in Weasels life. For just over a dollar a day you can sponsor a Ron helping him eat digestive oats because the oats he used to get fed that also got fed to the animals are too hard for his weak stomach to digest. Send us your cheques or money orders today! 1-800 GRUBBY RON. Calls cost just over a dollar per minute. Kids ask your parents first. 


	13. Chapter Twelve: St Patrick, The Irish Le...

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Clark and Lex are stuck in a cold cave with only each other to keep themselves warm... guess what happens!  
**Disclaimer:** We only own Hagrid's Umbrella. Pink Umbrella, that is. 

  
**Chapter Twelve: St Patrick, The Irish Legend**

_ Dragon, Dragon  
Rock the Dragon  
Dragon Ball Z  
Dragon, Dragon  
Rock the Dragon  
Dragon Ball Z   
- Dragon Ball Z, "Dragon Ball Z"_

~ 

After the Field Trip to South Africa, the school returned rabid with Ebola from the crazy monkeys. Dean Thomas bought a West Indies Cricket Team balloon from a crazy-eyed Ebola man who ran the local Souvenir Stand. As business was running slow, the crazy man gave Dean the balloon for free.   
"Potter residence, Harry speaking." Wormtail cut off his hand. Ron rushed into class late and heard the class snigger.  
"Oh no, we have 'Herbology' with Slytherin!" Helga Hufflepuff groaned puffing and huffing and blowing Ron's house down.  
"Not by the hair on my chinnie-chin-chin" Hagrid tangled his fingers in his mass of curls.  
'Herbology' was different from Herbology. In 'Herbology' the class grew certain plants and sold them on the street. Their teacher was...  
"James Pothead! But I thought he died!" Ludo blushed as red as Seamus's young underpants.  
"No, no- James POTTER died... haha Harry!" Daniel Radcliffe asked, peeling off his fake scar.  
The class trailed along the trail in the woods, towards their next class.  
"Whatss going onnnnnnnnnnnnnn?" James Pothead toked, motioning the class to make a circle.   
Harry planted his seeds and put his pot into a dark corner. Waving his wand, he muttered "Expellus Irishmanus!" and pretty pink daisies bursting forth, surging emerging from above thy 8th avenue. Harry began to choke, holding one hand around his neck and the other was outstretched towards his fellow classmates. 

Ron, in the meanwhile was having a problem with his wooden pencil case, as he was in a bit of a calamity with the hammer and the drill. So everyone set to the assignment that was assigned, which was turning a DVD player into a Clown phone. Dean Thomas had successfully transformed his Epson Stylus Photo 810 Printer into a nifty straw hat! While on the other side of the planet, Pansy Riddle had half transvestited her Justin Timberlake doll into a china plate- the plate had an image of J.T on it! Woo! But luckily, Harry was the special one who had lived.  
"OMG Harry! How did you survive? Are you alright?!" Percy said concernedly, burning $100 bills one by one simply because they were dirty.  
And Harry was sent many care packages with blankets, canned food and Band-Aids for his terrible ordeal with Voldemort 11 years ago. Papa Titus was especially caring and sent over a few episodes of his sons cool show. The bell rang so suddenly that Oliver Wood jumped so high that he knocked over the beaker of Sulfate Hydroxide and it spilled all over Hermione, who instantly broke out in boils! Everyone walked out of 'Herbology' stoned out of their minds, towards the Great Hall. 

Suddenly the plates were filled with dirt and worms and the whole table began an animated discussion.  
But before Susan Bones could break her bone, the blonde-haired nemesis of the boy who lived strutted over to the Gryffindor table with his two 'thugz' Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle.  
"So, Potter," Draco spat. "How's life in your spider infested cupboard?"  
"Whatsss going onnnnnnnnnn?" Harry philosophers stoned, lying down on the ground and making some handicapped noises.  
"Skanky no parented four eyed bitch with an ugly scar!" Crabbe and Goyle grunted at Draco's cool logic.  
"I'm not as I am stoned are you!" Harry giggled maniacally.  
"I don't know.... what IS going on....?" Seamus questioned rather Irishly, grinning broadly.  
"*My* godfather isn't an escaped convict!" Draco sneered.  
"Son! Dawson! My god, you're drunk!" Gramps died.  
"Well *my* father isn't a deatheater!" Harry lived.  
"Fuck, at least *I* actually have parents, Potter." Draco drawled.  
"Oh get fucked Malfoy." Harry sweared quietly, not wanting to get caught.  
"Yeah well.... you... you smell!" And with that Draco and his two 'thugz' walked away scowling. 

Hagrid was still upset about the recent events of Norbert being taken to a dragon colony by my brother CHARLIE in ROMAINIA.... 

Dumbledore had a special announcement today, and as he stood bits of his beard flaked off into his Carrot juice.  
"Hey sonny! Get your ass back here!" Dumble wheezed like the old man he was. "I am pleased to announce that today we are hosting a treasure hunt! As I have started to moult, pieces of my beard have been left all over the castle. It is up to you..." He paused for suspense, as everybody was on the edge of their seats.  
"Do you guys watch Buffy...?"   
"... it is up to you all to find every single piece and return them to me. The person with the most beard pieces will win a hot night out with your favourite young and clean caretaker.... drum roll please!"  
And Lee Jordan started the drumroll.  
"... ARGUS FILCH!" He clapped his hands once and raised his arms, then sat, smiling secretly at all the excited whispers filling the hall, like his beard hair fills the plug in the shower.  
Percy already had a head start and was confident he'd win. He already had 3; One from Harry's bed, and two pieces from Dumbledore's shower plug. 

Could Snape possibly know they'd found out about the Philosophers Stone? 

Suddenly everyone was at the library and it looked like Ron had struck gold as he had already found 6 large chunks of beard within the pages of a particular book Hagrid had lent him. Meanwhile, Fred and George were tucked away in a dodgy corner of the Library, doing something strange and twinnish behind a large book.  
Seamus was making the most of this library time and was trying to figure out how to remove the parental lock on certain websites. Patty Patil was also making the most of her time, printing out a bunch of Oliver Phelps pictures with bare feet. 

  
**A.N:** COULD Snape possibly know about the Philosophers Stone? What happened to that dodgy Harry/Hagrid fanfic? Why is Ron so poor? 


	14. Chapter Thirteen: Big Brother Uncut

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Draco joins a tap dancing troupe- but what about his baby?  
**Disclaimer:** Jay-Kay owns it ALL. Except we own the cup of fire. 

  
**Chapter Thirteen: Big Brother Uncut**

_ Now this looks like a job for me  
So everybody just follow me  
Cos we need a little controversy  
Cos it feels so empty without me   
Now this looks like a job for me  
So everybody just follow me  
Cos we need a little controversy  
Cos it feels so empty without me  
- Eminem, "Without Me" _

~ 

Stephen Cornfoot sent an owl home with a message.... a ferociously dangerous message. 

"Scared Potterrrrr?" Draco, a Slytherin stud in Harry's year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, drawled.  
"You wish Draco!!! Youuuu wisshhh!!! You really wish Draco!!!!!" Harry's voice had broken and he had now become a man.  
"Yer. Great man Dumbledore, great man." Rubeus, another man whose voice had just broken, peeped out with his beetle black eyes from behind his gristly bush of a beard.  
"Can we panic now?" Ron's voice was breaking and he sounded like a cross between a 7 year old girl and Hagrid.  
"Oh Ron you are such a joker!" Hermione spanked Ron playfully on the backside.  
Unknowingly to everyone, Chow Chang - who we haven't seen for a while - slipped into the background dragging a familiar looking corpse with her....  
Suddenly an old man turned on the lights and startled everyone to death, literally! 

Thanks for reading Pump the Breaks. We hoped you enjoyed this Re-Run. Will Keyring leave the house? Or will Grindleward rise again with his faithful sidekick Grindylow? Well you'll never know because the story has ended. Hahahahahahahahahaha. 

Meanwhile on the Quidditch field, Drakkie, also known as 'Dragon', was brushing his hair.  
"Who are you?" A newly grown Daniel Radcliffe exclaimed wheatily.  
"Dooby the house elf." Cried Dobby the House Elves.  
It started to rain and the class all trudged back inside and made their way to the Wylde Rattz concert. Rumor has it that Ewan McGregor plays a mean guitar. Neville brought some lipstick for the occasion.  
"Oh no we have Advanced Dark Magic Studies with Slytherin!"  
"Oh no we've missed the sorting!" Harry had missed the sorting for 2 years - he even missed his own sorting due to drug abuse. The Sorting Hat sorted the first years into their houses (in case you didn't know). 

Dean Thomas took down his Westlife poster, sadly reminiscing of all the good times they had had together. 

"Today class we are going to learn the Avada Kedavra spell! Who would like to help me demonstrate? Eye..." Ernie the Night Bus Guy drove.  
Everyone looked at Ron.   
"Aha! Another Weasley! Eye..." Ernie the Night Bus Guy indicated and turned to Ron. Ron didn't have much to live for, and didn't have much money either, so he walked up to the front of the class, while his fellow classmates either cheered him on or cheered because he was going to die. Ron didn't know which, but he knew Harry would be cheering him on. They were best friends, you see. Ron had the necklace to prove it. Although Ron hadn't seen Harry's half of the necklace since he gave it to him. Ron figured he'd just ask him about it later.   
Ernie the Night Bus Guy dodged some letterboxes and gave him hot chocolate and screamed... "AVADA KEDAVRA!!!! Eye...." Ron's limp body crumpled in a heap on the ground and burst into flames.  
"Okay, everyone get into pairs and practice the spell on each other!" Ernie the Night Bus Guy reversed and parked himself at the front desk. Soon, there was an entire class full of smoking uniforms and ash until Neville (or so Ernie the Night Bus Guy thought) was the only one left.  
"Sir, I can't get the spell to work!" Alex Band sung. Ernie the Night Bus Guy frowned, as Alex Band was the best student in the class and this spell should be easy for him.  
"Let me try." Ernie the Night Bus Guy went into first and waved his gear stick and blinked his lights "ABRA KEBABRA!!!!! Eye..."  
But that didn't work on 'Neville' either.  
"ABRA KEDABRA!!!! Eye.... AVADA KEDAVRA!!!! ARABIAN!!! Eye..."  
And still 'Neville' didn't die. Ernie the Night Bus Guy thought his wAnd was broken so he motioned to Alex Band to sing... I mean, do the spell on him.  
"AAAAAAAAAADRIANNNEE!!!" Alex Band kedavred. And Ernie the Night Bus Guy was but a crumpled pile of clothes and a small fire on the ground. Paul Walker pulled out his marshmallows and they all sat around what used to be Ernie the Night Bus Guy, toasting marshmallows on the ends of their wands. 

And Ernie the Night Bus Guy never found out that 'Neville' was really Harry using a fake name.  
The bell rung signaling the end of class and everyron got up and left. Except for the real Neville.... 

  
**A.N:** Who really is the Green Goblin? Will Snape ever steal the Sorcerers Rock? Who REALLY put Harry's name in the cup of fire??? Find out in the next episode of PUMP THE BREAKS. Review! Review! Review! 


	15. Chapter Fourteen: Draco Malfoy and the C...

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, The Weasley's life turns upside down when they find out Molly is pregant...again!  
**Disclaimer:** Jay-Kay owns it ALL. Except Keyrings beige undies. 

  
**Chapter Fourteen: Draco Malfoy and the Chamber of Passion**

_ Can you take it all away?  
Can you take it all away?  
When you shoved it in my face  
Explain it again to me  
- Puddle of Mud, "Blurry"_

~ 

Meanwhile, while everyone was gathered in the Great Hall eating mango pudding and chicken chop for breakfast, Seamus had a crazy idea- almost as crazy as 'Crazy Pants'; the crazed crazy pants wearer grazed.  
Keep reading to find out what his idea is!!! 

"Wow this mango pudding sure is crazy!" Krum mind-warped. Yes Krum, but not as exotic as the 'Chicken Chop'....  
"Wow what is this?" Munched Malcolm Baddock.  
"It's like chicken, but also like a chop!" Nibbled Blast-Ended Skrewt #13.  
"I believe its called Chicken chop..." slurped and crunched Susan's Bones.  
Suddenly Dawson jumped into the air with a yellow cape, a pair of funny glasses and his strange helmet. The Great Hall fell silent greatly, as the burial shroud for Dumbledore was placed over the dead old mans body.  
"By Jove I've got it! Let's play I Spy!" Hermione said coolly.  
"Merlin's Beard!" Ron poured (haha) a glass of carrot juice.  
"Yay Ron, you're not supposed to tell us what you've spied." Doobie wienered.  
"I Spy with my Irish Eye..." Seamus went first, "Something beginning with C! Eye..."  
"C or I Seamus?" Rupert (Giles, not Grint!), watched.  
"C. Eye...." The leppy leper leaped.  
"Okay! I guess... chicken chop!" Barry Watson stoned druggily.  
"Cornfoot?" Stephen guessed his own name.  
"Corned feet?" Madam Rosemerta blended.  
"Cornelius Fudge?" a corn on the cob said.  
"Marijuana?" A Ravenclaw nobody, who was no longer the most popularist girl in school, asked. Everyone just thought it was a guess for 'I Spy' and continued their game. But really, she had a problem. A drug problem.  
"Phantasmagoria?" The Grey Lady phatasmagorized.  
"Cold feet?" Draco shuddered, remembering that Irish foot 8 chapters ago. 

"Circus bear?" Suddenly, right after Hufflepuff won the house cup and Harry guessed right, a circus bear wearing a red hat and bow-tie jumped up on the table. Ron growled loudly as it knocked over his mango pudding and chicken chop, but soon forgot all his anger as some pretty catchy jingle music started to play. Everyone looked up as the Circus Bear started to wiggle its hips and dance, mesmerizing the entire Harry Potter cast.  
"We share all the food like a family!" Dean Thomas stated proudly.  
Hermione had already started S.A.C.B - Sponsor a Circus Bear - and was passing out badges and fliers.  
"Less than a dollar a day? Wow that's cheaper then sponsoring Ron." Neville promptly cancelled his sponsorship with Ron as he kept one eye on the mesmerizing bear.  
As the song sadly came to its end, the Circus Bear floated mesmerizing away to the enchanted ceiling and beyond (which, by the way, is bewitched to look like the night sky). 

"Oh no we have ROD Hunting with Slytherin!" Lavender said transparently.  
"Hmm... HUFFLEPUFF!" Chris Columbus made his daughters character go out with Harry.  
"There's not a witch or wizard who went bad who wasn't in Slytherin." Ron informed Harry so he could tell the Sorting Hat he didn't want to be in Slytherin, but he really should have... thanks Ron!  
"Thanks Ron for the info!" The Boy Who Lived scarred lightening-boltedly.  
"That'll be 2 Knuts please." Ron said desperately. You see, for some reason he was short on cash, more than usual, because all his sponsorships had been cancelled for some reason.  
The class made their way through the Chamber of Secrets and battled Tom Riddle, and seated themselves behind desks at the Roswell UFO Convention Center. 

Their teacher for the day happened to be Tom Cruise in a wheelchair, who was drooling more than usual.  
Hermione pulled out a huge book she got out of the library for a bit of light reading (her-dee-har-har) and opened the page on RODS and read the paragraph out aloud, seeing as Professor Cruise was on a cruise at the time... cruising the highways... drinking Vodka Cruisers.  
"Rods are transparent rod shaped things with wings. They can go through things. They can be from 4 inches to 50 feet long and have been sighted both inside houses and outside."  
"Nobody's safe!" Seamus jumped up and clung to Draco in 'fear'. Seamus was sent off to Azlankebankebab for violating Draco's restraining order.  
"I hear they like hanging around poor people..." Neville, who was sitting next to Ron, sneezed as a ROD flew up his nose.  
Tom Cruise in a wheelchair mumbled and drooled a bit more, and everyone got into partners, grabbed a tripod and camera and went outside for some ROD hunting.  
"Not that kind of rod Seamus!" Dean Thomas snarled and shoved Seamus's camera away. Ron was paired with nobody because he couldn't afford a partner, Harry was paired with Draco, and Hermione was paired with Barty Crouch. While Seamus paired with himself, Leonardo DiCaprio with Armand, Lavender with Tom the Innkeeper, Marcus Flint and Colin Creevy (who bought his own camera! Ahe!) and lastly Millicent Bullstrode was partnered with Neville. 

Ron:  
Ron sold the camera and tripod down on Knockturn Alley, spending the money on his plot to kill Draco................. snarl! 

Harry and Draco:  
The hero of Gryffindor and his arch nemesis of Slytherin, set up the tripod and camera and waited for their first ROD sighting.  
"So... I hear Percy does cheap piercings..." Harry Godriced Gryffindorly.  
"Merlin's Beard! Let's go find that weasel prefect right now!" Draco drawled coldly.  
They found him in Hagrid's Hut a while later, piercing something for the giant man. Percy was happy to pierce a normal sized person for once, and offered his services for free.  
"Oh Gods!" Rubeus (we're on a first name basis now) cried out painfully.  
"Bad Hobbits! Bad Hobbits!" Fang disciplined Elijah.  
Harry decided the wheatest place for him to get a piercing was his lip. He decided for Draco because Draco was to cold and pale. Harry thought his bellybutton, and a small stud in Draco's (bed) nose would make him look dreamy.  
"Hagrid, what do you have pierced?" Harry asked as Percy set to work.  
"Yerr... that's between me and Dumbledore." Hagrid gianted rubeusly.  
"Oh Gods! Merlin's Beard!" Harry, a Gryffindor in the same year as Draco, winced as Percy pierced.  
Oh wow did these two look mighty fine with their piercings. Draco's nose sparkled and Harry's lip looked way cool. 

And nobody else had time to do ROD Hunting as Harry and Draco took up a lot of the chapter, so they all looked for Tom Cruise in a wheelchair for guidance. Penelope Clearwater found him- he had fallen out of his wheelchair and was drooling on the ground. Ron collected this in a jar for later.  
Some random nerd checked the tapes for any ROD sightings but the class hadn't found any. Although, a rather interesting tape of Seamus was found and passed around the school for everyone to enjoy. 

  
**A.N:** Watch out for those RODS... there could be one right in your house right now... Did you get our clues about the chicken chop? Review! Review! Review! 


	16. Chapter Fifteen: Hot Pants

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Peeves has an interesting encounter with someone from his future.  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Fifteen: Hot Pants**

_ System up with the top down  
Got the city on lockdown  
Drive by in the low ride  
Hands high when we fly by  
Fly by, fly by, fly by, fly by  
- Blue, "Fly By"_

~ 

"I smell blood, time to kill!" Christian Coulsen cooled christianly.  
"What's that Adrian Pucey?" Will Smitch snitched sneakily.  
"Um... I smell food... errr time to eat..." Adrian covered.  
"I smell Weasel sir." Draco drawled coldly.  
"Yay Draco stop trying to blend in." Bill Weasley joked.  
"Yeah Draco! I curse you! Curses! Curse I tell you!" Ron snarled clawing at Graham Pritchard's ankle. 

Meanwhile, the Scooby gang split up and looked for clues as to who was going to steal the Philosophers stone. Ron had a hunch that it was Snape, the hook-nosed greasy-haired potions professor but everyone knew it was the dark arts he was really interested in. Yes, even Percy.  
Marge was ill, and Harry had the postcard to prove it. Also, his Aunt and Uncle knew... knew all along and never told him.  
The sixth year slid catlike out of his bed and joined everyron on the train from Hogsmeade.... 

"I'm Malfoy. Draco Malfoy." an adorable little pale blonde haired boy introduced himself nicely, sitting across from Harry on the train carriage.  
"Nice to meet you Draco, I'm Harry Potter." another sweet little raven haired boy with a scar shook Draco's hand.  
"No need to ask your name." Draco looked at the mess standing next to Harry, "Red hair, and a hand me down robe. You must be a Weasley." He looked back at Harry and offered some useful advice, "You don't want to be hanging out with the RON sort."  
"Come on Draco, let's ditch this poor second-hand clothes wearer and buy something off the trolley to eat." Harry said.  
"No thanks, I'm all set-" Ron tried to blend into the conversation but they had already left, so he unwrapped his soggy sandwiches which had been dropped in a PUDDLE OF MUD (haha) and thought about his brother Charlie in Romania. "I'm Ron by the way, Ron Weasley..." Ron sadly mumbled to himself. 

Meanwhile, back at the massage parlor, evil was afoot... Stephen Cornfoot's foot, that is.  
Hermione waved her American flag and studied for final exams. Lavender and Parvati were sitting in front of the Gryffindor common room fire, reading the latest issue of 'Teen Witch' and were rudely interrupted when a certain Christian Bale ran through wearing a scarf around his neck, a t-shirt with badges on it, rouge on his cheeks and eye shadow.  
"Wasn't that Remus Lupin?" Vincent Crabbe howled.  
"That's me! That's me!!" Arthur Stuart jumped up and down pointing and the TV screen.  
"You lied to me Hagrid! I should have never given my heart to you!" Robbie, again, rode the coal train.  
"My scar... it's burning..." someone's fake scar burnt because they had set it on fire.  
It was a teacher strike today, otherwise they would have had Interior Decorating with Arthur Weasley. Because Arthur had quit his job at the Ministry-O-Magic, he was now unemployed. I wonder how they'll be able to afford Ron's school fees now?  
Well, Ron had to quit school and now works in a factory with Mongolian children making Reebok and Nike shoes for 2 cents a week. That money was spent on his uniform which he will finish paying off in 267 years. 

Meanwhile, back in the Rich Kids bathroom, Draco and his new friend Harry were relaxing in the spa which was filled with gold galleons.  
"I can wash your hair for you if you'd like." Harry offered, conjuring up some magical 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner.  
"Well it's gonna be really hard to, what with all these GOLD GALLEONS filling the entire spa... I don't even think there's any water in here..."  
"Oh well, I can just wash your hair with GOLD GALLEONS and magical 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner." 

Unknown to the Slytherin and the Gryffindor in the spa, a certain red-head had quit his well-paid job and was spying on them through the eyes of a painting.... Ron couldn't believe how tight Harry's abs were. Ron swallowed....... hard. Then he noticed all the gold. THEN he realized that the Slytherin that Harry was washing was Malfoy. "I'll kill him I will!, that damn Draco..." 

"...so you really put my name in the cup of fire? Wow!" Harry was amazed! The secret was out.  
"Yeah, and then I got backstage passes to The Venus In Furs!" Draco smirked and thought of how jealous Weasley would be if he could see them right now.  
"I wonder where Ron is...?" Harry wondered, as Ron usually followed him around like a bad smell or an annoying blowfly.  
"Last I heard, he was working with Arabian children making shoes for Nike and Reebok." Draco and Harry laughed together joyfully, mocking that poor boy.  
"I'll kill him!" Ron hissed behind the wall, "Rip, kill, tear..."  
"Did you hear that? I swore I heard the Basilisk speaking from behind the wall in Parsel-TongueMouth!" Harry gasped in fear and leapt into Draco's arms. This caused more hissing from Ron behind the wall, whom Draco and Harry thought was the Basilisk.  
"Quick Harry, we'd better go and hide under my bed covers where it's safe." Draco thought that was a good idea.  
"Oh no, there's no time to grab our clothes so we'll just have to get to your room wearing only a towel!" Harry blushed. Ron hissed.  
And the 2 of them ran dripping to Draco's bed, bumping into Seamus on the way who, stole Harry's towel and whipped him with it. 

Back behind the painting, Ron was red as a beetroot. He pulled out the shoe glue that he had stolen from work and cursed Draco. "Curses! I curse you Draco! Curses! Oh Gods!" He hissed, smearing the shoe glue all over himself in some sort of ritualistic voodoo spell. 

Meanwhile, under Draco's bedcovers... 

  
**A.N:** For the love of Merlin! I wonder what Treffor was doing with that pitchfork in the owlery? Review! Review! Review! 


	17. Chapter Sixteen part 1: Harry's Hanukkah

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, 2 new American students joing the famous trio.  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Sixteen (part 1): Harry's Hanukkah**

_ Baby baby we can do all that we want  
We're gettin nasty nasty, we're getting freaky deaky  
Baby baby we can do more than just talk  
Cause I can hear ya hear ya, and I can see ya see ya  
Baby baby we can do all that we want  
We're getting nasty nasty, we're getting freaky deaky...  
- N'Sync, "Digital Getdown"_

~ 

Today is Christmas Eve, and HP and friends are extremely excited- it was strange how everyone had decided to stay at Hogwarts for Christmas! Let's join them at the breakfast table... 

"For the love of Merlin! Is Ron even allowed to join us at the Gryffindor table to eat anymore?" Lee Jordan vibrated angrily, as the poor Weasel was stuffing his face with Christmas themed bacon, eggs, pancakes, mango pudding and even chicken chop!  
"Why on earth is Sirius dressed up in a purple cloak with a black moustache?" Lex Luthor enquired.  
"Come on Susan Bones. You can help me hang up mistletoe." George twined, entwining his fingers in her bones.  
Harry was preoccupied with the Christmas tree shaped custard and was having problems consuming it. But before he could think any more about it, a roar of a dragon could be heard and a billion owls swooped down carrying mail. 

Draco, who for some reason was seated at the Gryffindor table, had received a few cards and letters. One from Lucius, which just wished him a Happy Christmas and told him that it was snowing at the Malfoy Manor. No, it wasn't a secret letter that really told Draco about Lucius's scheme with Voldie. He also got a handmade Christmas card from Harry which was covered in crepe paper, glue, and glitter. So much in fact that the card stuck to Draco's hand when he opened the envelope. The card had a picture of what looked to be a reindeer. Either that or a Hippogriff. "Thanks Harry."  
"Anytime!" said the son of James Potter, as he opened a card from his parents. He also got a $100 gift voucher for Plumbing World from the Dursley's. And a fancy green card with silver writing from none other than... Draco Malfoy! Only a Malfoy would have stationery that matched his house colors. "Happy Christmas Harry, love from Draco... thanks Draco!"  
"Aw I love you to Harry." Neville sniveled.  
"Merry Christmas Ron." a homeless bum on the street said rather Americanly. Ron didn't know what this 'Merry' was all about, so he ran away quickly. 

And everyone went to bed because it was Christmas Day tomorrow!  
During the night, there was a dodgy Santa who woke up Seamus. 

Suddenly it was morning and Harry and Draco got woken up at 5:30am by a poor child screaming at them to wake up because it was Christmas.  
"Shut up Ron!" Dean Thomas threw Ron out the window and they all went back to sleep to wake up later at a more respectable hour.  
When Hermione finally woke up, everyone else had already opened all their presents and were scattered around the Hogwarts grounds.  
Draco had gotten a Weasley jersey this year, as well as some yummy cookies and $300 from Mrs Weasley. Harry too, had gotten a jersey, some fudge and $300 too. Harry and Draco put on their warm jerseys that was made with expensive wool and grabbed a handful of cookies and fudge and went outside to play in the snow. They still had about 36 presents each, but that would take them all day to open every one and they really wanted to play in the snow. Harry told Ron to guard the presents and make sure no one stole any.  
Ron had received a broken paperclip from The Dursley's with one of their laundry bills. Seamus got given a snazzy green top hat with a green feather from a Mr X. Lavender was happy with her gift which was a lavender scented pillow. Peter Pettigrew had a nice looking ring which was to go on the finger he didn't have. Even Voldemort got into the Christmas spirit, and while he was killing a few hundred muggles, he had Christmas carols playing in the background. Hermione got some books and Neville got a new toad. 

Meanwhile in the snow, Hagrid was incognito. He had covered himself completely in snow so he just looked like a snow mountain.  
Ron was too poor to play in the snow, so he just sat in front of Harry and Draco's pile-o-presents and sighed.  
"Sigh." Ron sighed as he looked out the window and saw the entire school having fun in the snow. Yes, even Dominic Torretto was making snow angels with his car.  
Pansy was building an ice sculpture of Draco, Seamus was building a strange looking snowman and had the carrot in the wrong place, Dumbledore was pulling some narly moves on his snow board and several Severus's were sledding down the newly formed snow mountain.  
Harry and Draco were being adorable and making cute little snow angels. Draco was being even more adorable and was giggling. Aw!  
"Lets build an Igloo and we can live in it for a few days!" Harry suggested, pulling Draco up. And they both skipped off merrily hand in hand to scout out the best place to build an Igloo. 

"I'm gonna kill him I will, that damn Dragon!" Ron clawed at the drapes. But before Ron could set fire to all their presents, Madam Pomfrey came in and took him away. 

  
**A.N:** And so ends the Christmas merriment. I hope you like Amos Diggory! Review! Review! Review! 


	18. Chapter Sixteen part 2: Ay Carumba

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Harry finds out he is a Digi-Destined and must protect both the Digital World and the real world!  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Sixteen (part 2): Ay Carumba**

_ Do you wanna touch, yeah!  
Do you wanna touch, yeah!  
Do you wanna touch me there, yeah  
Do you wanna touch, yeah!  
Do you wanna touch, yeah!  
Do you wanna touch me there, yeah  
- Gary Glitter, "Do You Wanna Touch Me?"_

~ 

Everyone was feeling sick after eating all those Easter Eggs and Bunnies. Except for Ron. Sirius had escaped from Azlankebankebab and the Dementors were now guarding the school. 

Patty Patil rolled some snow into a ball and threw it at Marcus Flint, who ducked and it hit Neville on the ankle. And that was it.  
Meanwhile, Nagini was sledding down Hagrid- I mean, the Snow Mountain. Harry and Draco thought that the base of Snow Mountain would be the best place to build an igloo.  
"Igloous Buildus!" Draco conjured up an igloo in between the legs of Hagrid- I mean, Snow Mountain. It had a white picket fence and a letterbox that said 'Pettigrew Residence' and a sign above the entrance that said 'The Igloo'. Harry swore he heard the mountain yerrr.  
"Wow Draco where'd you learn that spell?" Godric Gryffindor exclaimed.  
"Standard Book of Evil Spells, Chapter 7." Draco tried to quote Hermione in the movie.  
"Where is Hermione by the way?" Harry asked Draco.  
"I think she's in the library studying. That's all she ever does." Draco knows these sort of things. He is a Slytherin, after all. 

While Draco and Harry were moving into their new Igloo, Seamus was setting up an Irish Underground War Tent for later. Blaise Zabini was Wayne Hopkins's Secret Santa and was looking around the Forbidden Forest for the perfect present. Oh wow! Blaise didn't have to look long, because he found a drink bottle filled with Unicorn Blood that had a red bow on it- ready to give! The perfect gift for any Hufflepuff. 

"Lets kill Dennis Creevy." And kill Dennis Creevy they did. Lily Evans threw him into the Pit of Despair and Mad-Eye Moody sucked 60 years of his life out of him with his swiveling eye.  
"Leave us Hufflepuff's alone!" Gregory Goyle screamed hysterically, transfiguring Ron into a pocket watch and then into a map. 

Susan Bones was boning her bone in the snow, while Dedalus Diggle was making showers of shooting stars rain down on all of London.  
Back in 'The Igloo', Harry had just defeated Grindleward (shame Dumbledore) and received the Merlin's Beard Award. While James Phelps received the Junior Clubman of the Year award. Congrats! Anyway, Harry and Draco had just exchanged Christmas gifts and were about to open them at the exact same time...  
"Wow Draco, a silver Lion!" Harry said at the exact same time Draco said,  
"Wow Harry, a silver Dragon!" and they both laughed in unison. 

Suddenly, everyone was 'Snowed In' the Great Hall.  
"It looks like we'll have to have a Great Hall Sleepover!" Dumble Bumble announced, and clapped his hands once, raised them and suddenly everyone's plates were filled with sleeping bags and pjs.  
Seamus snuggled down for the night, right in between Oliver Phelps's friend Alun's legs, who was peeping at Snape changing into his nightie.  
"What's Seamus trying to do?" Harry bit.  
Ron popped out from behind the mango pudding and made some handicapped noises. "*handicapped noise* Harry, yay *handicapped noise* duh Harry. Trying to turn water into rum *handicapped noise*."  
"Aren't you supposed to be dead Ron?" a random Dementor kissed Ron, killing him again anyway. 

Everyone was changed into their pajamas. Susan Bones was again wearing her bones costume, while everyron else had bought new pajamas since the last time they wore them. "Come on, quickly, get dressed, hurry up, follow me... come on, quickly..." Percy also did tattoos.  
Harry was wearing his blue flannel pajamas with golden snitches flying all over them. Draco was wearing his green pajamas with silver dragons flying all over them, and was clutching his Harry plushie. Oliver Wood got McGonagall to read him a bedtime story- yep, you guessed it! Scuppers the Sailor Rabbit. Neville was petrified in his cheap pajamas on the floor, and Crabbe stuffed him inside his pillowcase and snuggled up. Lucius threw a pillow at his son, who ducked and it hit George instead and the pillow exploded, covering everything in the hall with feathers. It looked just like snow! What a perfect ending to a perfect Christmas!  
"Lights Out!" Percy shined his badge, scolding Hermione for playing with her Snape doll when she was supposed to be sleeping. 

The Great Hall was dead silent for about 4 minutes, and then suddenly out of nowhere... 

"Alright, who did it? WHO KILLED MY DAD!??" the boy who lived stood up screaming hysterically. "I KNOW THE KILLER IS IN THIS HALL! SHOW YERSELF!" his lip quivered, as he held up a lantern. Then someone stepped out of the shadows into the lamplight... 

"Unkie Remus? But... but, I thought you were a Werewolf?"  
"A Werewolf?" Hagrid shook the snow off him, enraged. "A Werewolf kill Lily an' James Potter? It's an outrage! It's a scandal!" The giant was now beyond reasoning and was taking a few giant steps over to....  
"Sirius Black? But I thought you were in Azlankebankebab!" Princess Buttercup exclaimed, rolling down the hill.  
"I have some news Harry... me and Remus are getting married!" Sirius escaped.  
"Wolf and Dog Unite!" Remus cheered and as if on cue, the whole hall erupted into applause.  
"That's okay," Ron blended trying to be understanding. "You know how Fred and George are..." The applause quickly died down as soon as Ron spoke.  
"Well I have some news for you, Unkies. Me and Draco.... well, we're.."  
"A COUPLE?!" Ron said, enraged. "I'll kill him I will, that damn Draco. Curses! Curse you Draco!"  
"Haha shame Ron." Draco shamed Ron out and stood next to Harry.  
"$&&^#$@??!" Ron freaked out.  
"We're going to be seekers again, this year!" Harry finished, turning to Ron, but Ron had already passed out and his body was convulsing violently.  
"Rip... kill... tear...." Ron was mumbling, as he was carried out on a stretcher and taken to the West Wing, his eyes drugged from smell of shoe glue.  
Seeing as the excitement was over, everyone climbed into their sleeping bags; Susan snuggled into her dog bone that Sirius stole, Neville was still petrified, Ron was shivering in a corner, Terence Higgs wrapped himself up in Harry's invisibility cloak, Fang was slobbering on another Weasley this time. And Oliver Wood was peeping at Seamus, who was peeping at Chow, who was sleeping with Cedric on top of Hagrid with all the other Ravenclaw's. Padma Patil fell into Hagrid's mouth as he snored. While our two favorite Slytherin/Gryffindor seekers were snuggled up warmly together, both hugging Draco's dragon plushie in between them, and sucking their thumbs. Aw! 

The Enchanted Ceiling, which was bewitched to look like the night sky, showed a full moon. And before anyone could say 'Big Wolf on Campus' Christian Bale had turned into a werewolf and began slaughtering everything in his path.  
"Did you forget to take your Wolfsbale medicine again Remus?" Sirius blacked out as Professor Lupin ate him. 

**A.N:** Did YOU forget to take YOUR Wolfsbane medicine? I hope not! Merry Christmas everyone and stay tuned for a hot new chapter of 'Pump the Breaks'. Review! Review! Review! 


	19. Chapter Seventeen: Stephen Spielberg's V...

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, a hot new director takes over the HP series and adds his own special twist.  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? Stephen Spielberg is kewl. 

  
**Chapter Seventeen: Stephen Spielberg's Version of HP**

"Hello Haley"  
"Hello Stephen!"  
"I just wanted to ring to wish you a happy birthday"  
"Thanks Stephen."  
"Anytime Haley"  
"Yep."  
"Oh, by the way- I'm making this movie called Harry Potter. I'll be combining books 2, 4 and 7 and I want yyyyyyyyyou to be Harry Potter! Also to do the soundtrack."  
"Oh gee whiz Stephen, what a great 7th birthday gift! Of course I will be in your movie... I'm _always_ in your movies...." 

AND THEN... 

Haley/Harry dragged Cedric's corpse- I mean body (he's still alive... not for long!) and made them both touch the Tri-Wizard Tournament cup, and suddenly what felt like a huge meteor crashing into the American Sea while Elijah and friends fled for safety, Seamus jingled.  
"Oh no its Voldemort! Watch out Cedric!" Chow changed, throwing herself on top of Cedric. But it was too late because Cedric had been Avada Kedavred!  
"Oh no Haley/Harry, we can't get onto the Platform so we'll have to take the flying car to Hogwarts!" Ron poored. Haley/Harry didn't want to go with Ron, so he rode in on his very own Raptorsaurus which had escaped from a fun park. While flying into the Twin Towers, Haley/Harry overtook Penelope Pitstop in the Wacky Race because he was going to miss the season finale of E.R!  
"So, did Snape give you a tongue-lashing?" Hermione screeched as she helped Haley/Harry and Draco defeat Voldemort.  
"He's too young for this. We're all too bloody young." George sighed as he saw Harry's body collapse on the ground in a crumpled heap, while Voldemort evilly laughed.  
"What's ron Draco?" Dean Thomas shivered.  
"Ow, my scar... it burns..." Draco clutched his forehead in pain. 

Meanwhile in the Room of Secrets, Ginny was lying unconscious on the floor clutching a Diary which looked a little TOO nice, if you ask me. Haley/Harry got there just in time to see Tom Riddle standing over Ginny's body.  
"Quick Tom Riddle, help me get Ginny out of here before Voldie comes!" Merlin's Beard! Was that Professor Lockhart getting away with the Tri-Wizard Cup? Well Dumbledore was at the ready in the Owlery.  
"Ready... set... go!" Dumble wheezed, as all the owls took off at exactly the same time, arriving as the students were half-way through breakfast.  
"Look everyone! It's Casper the Friendly Ghost!" A crappy Slytherin baroned. Casper was the Snakerin House Ghost. He was Friendly. 

Suddenly, at the Birdclaw table Neville was trying to crack a joke... or Susan's bone.  
"I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock!" Brad Watson, the captain of the football team, yankeed.  
"Merlin's Beard! Oh Gods, I forgot to try out for the cheerleading squad!" Hermione remembralled, talking to Britney Turner who was also in the Liondor house and American! Woo! Seamus was feeling left out (audience 'aw's in unison) because he was the only multi-cultural student left. Everyone at Hogwarts was suddenly American!  
"Oh no, we have Cocktail Making with Snakerin!" Sybil Trelawney said with her inner eye.  
"Cut!" Stephen Spielberg, the man himself... the man of the hour said.  
"Hmm... difficult..." George thought.  
"VERY difficult..." Oliver Phelps sort of thought. 

It was a dark and stormy night when the class finally made their way to Jurassic Park- I mean, Cocktail Making. Their teacher, Agent Kay, had already set an assignment, so before they could even sit down they were trying to turn a Gremlin into a friendly ghost. Ron sauntered out of the storeroom.  
"What an earth were you doing in the storeroom?" Peter Pettigrew grew petty peter grew.  
"I was at the Quidditch world cup with my best friend Haley/Harry and my kewl family!" Ron was poorer than usual today, which is probably why he was in the storeroom, looking for supplies for his latest scheme to kill Draco.  
"No dear boy... I tried to kill you!!!!" Quirrel blended because he wasn't in this movie.  
"1 point to Ravenclaw!" Agent Jay awarded Birdclaw with a point. Mitch left the room. Dawson was hanging in the window so he was not caught peeping. He climbed back and heard Mitch eating his pancakes like a hungry bull. 

*cue Haley singing the theme song*  
E.T...  
Jaws ate meee.  
A twister is coming,  
Saving Private Ryan is gunning.  
Freaka-who? Freaka-me!  
My nigger under water- SeaQuest DSV.  
Steo is the greatest  
Movie maker there can be! 

All together now! 

(Chorus)   
And its a Stephen Spielberg Fantasmagicallaooza!  
Its a wonderful place for you and for meeeee  
Magical Movie Maker.........  
STEPHEN!  
*end theme song* 

"You're sitting next to a pile of dirt Haley/Harry... did you know? Right there." Hermione pointed to a certain Weasley brother... no not Fred, George, Percy, Charlie, Sirius or Bill. Yes, the poor one. Haley/Harry suddenly realized that he loved Hermione so they got married.  
But not before Rita Sweeter scooped a hot new band! The Country Bears! Everyron loved the Country Bears.   
"We're going back to the future to stop Voldemort!" Michael J foxed.  
"Great man, Stephen Spielberg, great man." Dawson cried, making facials- part one and two. Little did they know that Draco was using Artificial Intelligence to make contact with an Extra Terrestrial who goes by the name E.T. Ron couldn't believe how tight Haley/Harry's abs were. Molly had a sneaking suspicion it had something to do with Seamus.  
Meanwhile, Dean Thomas was burrowing around in the Badgerpuff closet, talking to his new pet shark Jaws. 

'The boy who lived is a Head Boy, Prefect, Quidditch Captain, Tri-Wizard Tournament Champion AND an Auror! Soon to be the Minister of Magic!' The Daily Prophet Headline said that morning, as Hagrid was enjoying his Tea and Rock Cakes.  
'Yerr that reminds me. I have to send a note to the son of James Potter and invite him over for Tea and Rock Cakes....' Hagrid thought to himself. You see, that's all Hagrid was allowed to eat after being expelled from Hogwarts 47 years ago.  
"Look Hagrid, I'm your best friend, you can tell me anything..." Ron had tried this line with Harry and it hadn't worked, so he hoped the abnormally sized keeper of keys and grounds at Hogwarts would return his offer of friendship.  
"Yerr.... look it says here that Haley/Harry and Draco had to become friends to defeat Voldemort, which they succeeded in doing!" Hagrid changed the subject. He was in no fit state to entertain today.  
"We know about the Sorcerers Stone!" the famous trio said in unison. 

Back in the school hall, this years Quidditch team had just been announced and Drakkie was seeker! And the cup of fire spat out a piece of paper with Haley/Harry's name on it, meaning he was to compete in this year's tournament. Ron went as red as the color red and didn't believe Haley/Harry, who said he never put his name in the cup of fire.  
Krum. Drummed his drum. 

Meanwhile, back at the Malfoy Manor a.k.a Voldie's Lair...  
"Join me son!" Lucius darth vadered.  
"Never! I want to spread peace, love and flowers to the world! Me and my lion- we'll destroy Voldie together!" Draco finally stood up for himself. Lucius and Voldemort looked furious. How could Snape possibly know about the room of secrets and their plans to ruin the Yule Ball? 

Suddenly, in the rest of the world which Voldemort had just taken over and unleashed all his pet dinosaurs and aliens, the non-evil Hogwarts staff had taken refuge underwater with a talking dolphin and a Jonathan Brandis named abur-abur-abur-Billy Boy.  
"Don't drink and drive, Dawson!!!" Mitch- or was it Adam?- warned his son.  
Harry decided to change his name to Haley since they were both so similar and both such great heroes. He also decided to take his fathers last name 'Joel Osment'. 

Draco came into class late.  
"Why are you late Draco?" Arabella Figg, the new DADA teacher asked. Draco sat down next to Harry and whispered into his ear.  
"Harry," Draco whispered, "I've just been raped by Sirius..." But before Haley could be eaten by Aragog in the forest, someone spilled water on a trough filled with gremlins and they all turned gross and evil. 

In the end, Harry finally finds out that Haley is a part of him and will ALWAYS be a part of him.... always....   
"I see dead people." 

*cue choir*  
Stephen! Spielberg! Stephen! Spielberg!   
Stephen! Spielberg! Stephen! Spielberg!   
Stephen! Spielberg! Stephen! Spielberg!   
(whispering and clicking, getting louder and louder) 

*cue Haley singing the theme song*  
Dawson...  
An American Tail was awesome.  
Here comes the Men in Black,  
Spiders in a sack.  
Steo is the greatest  
Movie maker there can be! 

All together now! 

And it's a Stephen Spielberg Fantasmagicallaooza!  
It's a wonderful place for you and for meeeee  
Magical Movie Maker.........  
And it's a Stephen Spielberg Fantasmagicallaooza!  
It's a wonderful place for you and for meeeee  
Magical Movie Maker.........  
And it's a Stephen Spielberg Fantasmagicallaooza!  
It's a wonderful place for you and for meeeee  
Magical Movie Maker......... 

STEPHEN!  
(theme song dancers all pose at the end, holding up cards that spell his name)  
*end theme song* 

  
**A.N:** And so ends an incredibly exhausting chapter of Pump the Breaks. Magical movie maker... Review! Review! Review! 


	20. Chapter Eighteen: Nelson's Pleading Sche...

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Ron finds out he is Ja Rule's brother. Will the Rule family reject their long lost son, or will he be rejected?  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Eighteen: Nelson's Pleading Scheme**

_ Things are so different now you're gone   
I thought it'd be easy I was wrong   
And now I'm caught   
And now, I'm caught in the middle   
Even though I'm with someone new   
All I can think about is you   
And now I'm caught   
And now, I'm caught in the middle   
- A1, "Caught In The Middle"_

~ 

"Tom Felton is MINE because he's too hot for the rest of ya!" Chewbacca snarled lovingly at his dragonling, while Seamus downloaded dodgy Anime Japanese porn on Dumbledore's computer. Then Dumbledore got fired for having Cody, or 'Iori', porn from the Digi-Destined Porn Center on his computer. Click here to view some HOT XXX PICS of Dumble- not Cody. Yolei!  
Meanwhile, while everyone was in Maori Language Studies with their teacher Quinton Hika (his book, 'Q's Course in Maori' can be purchased at you local drugstore).  
"Today Hoiho's, we'll be learning how to ruin my Dad's wedding and at the same time, cook a Hangi!" Q present wrapped.  
While everyone enohod as the girls did the waiata and the boys did the haka, Harry played footsies with Draco who was sitting next to him. But then... he realized that the foot he was playing footsies with was Seamus's who winked at him from the other side of Hogwarts. 

The class trip-trapped their way over the trolls bridge to the Chicken Chop Palace TM...  
"Oh no! We have Chicken Chop Palace TM Studies with Ravenclaw!" Wheezed Weasley.  
"Kia Ora! He mihi nunui kia koutou katoa!" Everyone laughed at Quinton's funny joke as they swam through the mud and Filch snapped at their ankles, when all of a sudden an announcement came over the speaker system. 

"Attention all Hogwarts Students! There is a man... a man on the loose, wearing only a flimsy pair of grey briefs. If spotted he should be avoided at all costs!" Everyone laughed at Ron. "Sleep with one eye open tonight kiddies......." The mystery announcer cackled.  
"I wonder who the loose man is!" Dean Thomas wondered.  
"I heard it was one of those 'Pakeha' people.... they can't be trusted." Susan Bones made her Dad make her character date Harry in 'The Chamber of Secrets' movie.  
"That's a different story from what I heard!" Dedalus Diggle pleaded.  
"Last night when I was sneaking around underneath Harry's stolen invisibility cloak, I heard some strange noises coming from Ron's stomach." Lavender had her suspicions, and suspiciously she thought Ron hadn't eaten in well over a decade. Damn poor people. 

That very night, everyone bolted their doors and hid under their covers. It was as if Voldemort himself was back- whom Harry had defeated 2 years ago.  
Draco was scared. Crabbe and Goyle had bouldered up for the night so the pale blonde boy was all alone. He grabbed his cuddly Duo plushie and ran as fast as his pale thin legs could carry him to Harry's room. He made the mistake of tripping over Ron's pile of rubbish and rusty fingernails which set off Ron's homemade alarm.  
"No Ron! Its alright, its just Draco! My dragon..." Harry touched his scar lightly.  
"Draco fucking Malfoy! That's it, Harry! I've had it! That's the last straw!" Ron looked like he was about to explode.  
"Its okay Ron, he's not that person anymore. I can see it in his eyes............." Hermione got lost in his green dragonling hypnotic snake eyes. Ron muttered some curse words and peeled his girlfriend away from the skinny pale blonde arch nemesis of the boy who lived. 

So Ron burrowed back into his pile of rubbish and rust, dragging Cedric's corpse behind him.  
Hermione went back behind her book.  
And Harry and his 'dragonling' Drakkie Malfoy, checked that there were no loose men in their bed, and snuggled up together underneath Snape's Spongebob Squarepants duvet.  
"Goodnight my Dragonling!" The star seeker for the Gryffindor team rubbed...  
"Goodnight my lion, I will always love you." Lucius's only son apart from that secret child Narcissa had with Hagrid, accidentally squeezed his Chewbacca plushie and it 'arggggged' in annoyance.  
"Piki korero moenga no nui hoiho epa." Quinton pangoed out. 

The very next year...  
"Oh what are you watching Seamus?" Scuppers sailed.  
"When Tricks Go Wrong: 3... you should watch it. There's this gross trick coming up that involves a suitcase." Seamus threw up.  
"You're gonna die Potter!" Draco spat.  
"I'm so scared!" Hermione cried, jumping up and down.  
"Yes, me too Herm. That man on the loose announcement yesterday scarred me. For life!" And Harry lifted up his fringe and showed the word the scar on his forehead, which was shaped like a lightening bolt. 

Suddenly everyone's attention was brought to the horrific scene on the television....  
"... thought everything was going fine until........." everyone screamed as they saw a thin ankle protruding out from the suitcase, and next a face! A Canadian face got caught in the zipper as well and there was a horrible SNAP... "SNAP! Unfortunately, his face was ruined and the Amazing Fold-Up Man has since retired since this awful accident. Looks like he won't be folding himself up into suitcases anymore. Next up, we have a clip involving a Chewbacca mouth and a see-saw! Up next on When Tricks Go Ron: 8!" 

"JAYSUS!" JRM said in an Irish accent while trying to coach a girls soccer team.  
"LOOK JESS! ITS BECKHAM! IT MUST BE A SIGN... LOOK LLLLLLLLLLLLOOOK JESS! ITS BECKHAM!!!!! OH MY GOD! BECKHAM! I THINK ITS A SIGN! OH GODS! MERLINS BEARD ITS BECKHAM! LOOK JESS! LOOK! LOOK LOOK LOOK! JESS! ITS BECKHAM! ITS A SIGN! IT MUST BE A SIGN! BECKHAM! LOOK JESS! LOOK! ITS REALLY HIM! ITS REALLY BECKHAM!!!!!!!!" Jules, a crappy British girl, said. 

Chewbacca foot. 

**A.N:** Its Maori Language Awareness Week. Be aware! He mihi nunui kia koutou katoa! 


	21. Chapter Nineteen: A Parselmouth's Krypto...

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Tom the Innkeeper sells his inn to the most unlikely person! Voldemort the Innkeeper, anyone?  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Nineteen: A Parselmouth's Kryptonite**

_ You see me  
You hear me  
There are millions  
Think just like me  
- Chumbawumba, "Outsider" _

~ 

Harry responded, stunned that Malfoy had used his first name- for today was Sirius and Remmie's WEDDING!  
"My sweet wolf... today is our wedding day!" Sirius growled while chewing on a bone.  
"Oh Pads..." Unkie Remus sighed softly while being shot by a silver bullet. Wolf and Dog were so happy to finally be tying the knot and were glad that their family and friends supported their decision. Especially Ron because he understood about these things (Fred and George). 

Gods Sirius looks sexy, Harry thought to himself as he came downstairs. I wonder if he knows that I'm gay?  
"Gods Harry, you look like your father!" Sirius touched Harry's cheek lightly.  
"Sirius, there's something I have to tell you. I'm gay." Harry turned as red as a Weasley.  
"I know. Its obvious- the way you dress, the way you sleep, the way you eat, the way you check out Hagrid's ass when you think no one is looking..." The Backstreet Boys brought the copyright to Sirius's words and turned it into a hit song.  
"I'm glad to have you as a son." Harry hugged his Uncle dogily.  
"Harry! I thought you loved me!" Draco shrieked, catching his lover and the main boy from the HP series in a tight embrace.  
"No Draco its not what you think!" Crabbe clawed. 

Meanwhile, the famous trio; Harry, Hermione and Quinton were making preparations for the wedding........ - tonight. 

Meanwhile, Hermione was trying to teach Sirius to say his vows in Maori.   
"Ko aroha. Etuha aroha. Me pango, you ma, kakariki green talofa kia kaha haeremai haeremai haeremai enoho hoiho. A E I O U. Takeru daisuke piko piko yamato koro iori gundam digimon kia ora!" Hermione said as if she were in love with Sirius, but they were interrupted by Draco who came in his spaceship.  
"I'm a Slytherin and I got class, You mess with me I'll kick your arse! For all you hos that think you're cool, Remember one thing- Slytherin's rule!" Tommy thought he was really cool as he rapped the Slytherin House Rap.  
"So who's your hot new crush?" Seamus batted his long eyelashes at his friend Ron. Ron smelled funny, like a cross between moldy bread and old gym socks.  
"I am a unique and beautiful snowflake!" Dean Thomas stuck up his Eastenders poster.  
"Oh, come on, Harry, you can't possibly think that no guy has ever checked you out. You're hot." Unkie Remus howled at Spongebob Squarepants. 

Previously, Draco was getting beaten up for his decision to quit acting and become a smelly dodgy old man fisherman with a hook for his hand who terrorizes a group of teenagers after they kill him.  
"I'm a Feltoner at heart!" A crazy fan screamed, clawing at his robes like Seamus usually does.  
"TOM FELTON I LOVE YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!" Another scary girl hysterically screamed, crying.  
"KISS ME HANDSUM!!!" Snape severed his hands and put twigs in his stubs.  
"I LOVE CHRIS MARTIN!!!" Flitwick raped the Coldplay CD. Exclusive pix of this coming soon!  
"He's allowed to be a fisherman! Leave him alone!!! I'll defend you Tommy!" A newly wheatily grown Daniel Radcliffe used his Godric Gryffindor sword to kill all the TF.com Message Boarders... I mean- all the crazy fans... heh.  
"I love you Harry! You're my special dragon lion!" A cold voice drawled.  
"I- I-I-I will- I will love- love you forever my sweet chub..." The Heir of Godric Gryffindor chuggled. 

And it was time...  
The Official Mrs Orlando Bloom kicked off the ceremony by singing the Canadian National Anthem with Canada's very own... The Moffatts! And Jake.  
"Oh gods, I can't get married!" Sirius shrieked remembering the time he and Quinton practiced their vows.  
"I met Tom in a dream once!" Harry's dragon dragged.  
"QUINTON!" Hagrid snarled, catching his son and his soon-to-be-wife pashing behind Draco's spaceship.  
"Ki whaka mai Dad! Ke oho didn't mean to whaka rangi rangi maggaridge!" The best friend of James Potter (rest in peace staggy!) ice skated.  
"Don't bring Rangi into this!" Victor Kahu krummed.  
"Oh gods, what will Remmie think? That sad lone wolf!" Sirius was ashamed. Shame.  
JRM raped Lavender Brown and tied her to a tree and cut off her hands and stuck twigs in her wrist stubs! Fun! She was forever known as 'Twigs' from then on....  
"Rupert Grint is mine!" Ron Weasley fell in love.  
The confetti was at the ready, and the bride and groom were at the start line.  
Dumbledore pulled out his flare gun to start the wedding. "Bang!" Dumble wheezed because his gun didn't work.  
"Wolf and Dog Unite!" The priest united Remmie and Sirrie and everyone applauded.  
Suddenly everyone was silenced by the war cry of a half-naked Crabbe, as him and Voldemort (Hushshshshshhshsshhsss!!!) came into view and started doing the haka.  
"You may lick the dog!" And Sirius and Remus leaned in closer... and closer... and closer... and closer... and closer- 

"Excuse me, I'm looking for Remus Lupin." A police officer cracked his whip.  
"Yay! The strippers here!" Seamus rolled his eye up and down the fresh meat.  
"I'm arresting you for the murder of Voldemort (Hushshshshshhshsshhsss!!!)." Your friendly neighborhood Sheriff arrested.  
Boom boom, boomboom-badoom 

**A.N:** *gasp* Will Remmie and Sirius live happily ever after? What about Quinton? And will Ron ever get any more money? Find out in the next chapter... Review! And add us to your Favourite Authors/Stories list! 


	22. Chapter Twenty: Back In The Saddle Again

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Draco accidentally turns himself into a girl and goes to Harry, Ron and Hermione for help.  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Twenty: Back In The Saddle Again**

_ Just one little, two little, three house niggers  
Just one little, two little, three house niggers  
- Gangsta Lean, "Nigga With a Badge" _

~ 

Cody's Dad floated off the cliff. "We all float down here Cody....." 

Born with a silver spoon in his mouth, the silver-haired dragonling sat in the restricted section in the library reading 'Now and Then: The Matt and Tai Story'.  
"Ron, stop humping the laser!" Haley/Harry spielberged.  


It was a brand (BRAND! BRANDON BOYD! BOYD!) new start to a brand new day and the fresh-faced Gryffindor students were all heading down for breakfast at a place called 'The Great Hall' which is a hall in the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where the students eat and can also study. 

"..." Dean Thomas said while pinning up his Southpark poster on the donkey.  
"Your turn Seamus!" The perfect soldier gundamed.  
"MAOUUVE!" Unkie Vernie slapped Harry on the ass. Seamus got in on all the fun and slapped himself on the arse.  
"Look Jim, you're growing up and this Island isn't big enough for you and the 2 other people who live here. We'll have to demolish the train station." Luke from the Canadian made cartoon swallowed huskily.  
"But you're my best friend Luke!" the black button Crystal Eternitied. 

"DNA Digivolve time guys!" Harry picked up his D3 and so did Draco- at the same time!  
"DNA..." Lion roared.  
"Digivolve!" Dragon snarled.  
And DNA Digivolve they did.  
His name was Ben. Ben McKen-Z.  
"I choose you-" a Poor fellow student blended.  
"Wrong show Ron!" Lockhart pointed out!  
"I can see where he's been... can see where he's going..." T.K's potato sack slut thought to himself iorily. But before they could steal Ron Weasley's package, a famous man walked onto the table and the entire Great Hall hushed. It was as if someone had said 'You-Know-Who'!  
"Oh my god guys, look its RATIO!" Snape greased.  
"Ratio?" Oliver Wood scupped.  
"Ratio from book seven?????" Hermione herbed.  
"Omigosh its RATIO FROM BOOK SEVEN!" Colin Creevy snapped a Kodak moment while Ratio from book 7 strutted his stuff and holding his cape, jumped off the step sideways.  
"I'm a nigger lover!" Ron said to Dean Thomas, an African-American boy who was sitting at the table.  
"Yo whatcha say punk?!" Kevin Zegers white trashed and did the North Canada Represent sign. 

"Canada Represent! Yo. Go, get! Get outta here! I don't want you anymore!" Nathan or Kurt Russell and Jake represented their country with pride.  
The class hovered their way down to Mathematics to learn mathematical skillz.  
"Mathematical! We have Mathematics with Slytherin!" Neville mathematiced.  
"Oh yeah? Yeah? Mathematical huh? Well, lets Beyblade for it!" Draco challenged.  
"Yeah I'm cool, I'm Harry- represent! Represent Godric's Hollow! Yo. Beyblade!" Harry WAS cool.  
"Whatever, I do what I want!" Pansy trailer-trash Parkinson skanked. 

The Referee from Medabots blew his whistle. "Today's match is between Slytherin and Gryffindor! Meda fight! Meda go! Medabots...." he sailed away in his boat into the distance. "Today class, we will be learning about the Parallelogram and Triangle of Wheat."  
"Oooh. Ahhh." The class ooohed and ahhhed.  
"I'm caught in the middle..." Dennis was caught in between the twins; Fred and George, while Adam sung his bit. 

"Make sure there's no Rash-Burn guy in the way and that you can't smell him." Cheryl bled.  
"Crap!" Harry swore under his breath but Ron caught it in his swear box.  
"That'll be 6 pounds!" Ron held out his hand and waited for Harry to dig through his wallet for the small change. Ron was such a genius- this swear box idea was better than Voldie's plan when he seduced Dumbledore.  
"Not even Zabini." Lavender poked Dean with her twig trying to get his attention.  
"Medabots... Meda go! I have organized a hot new project! Everyone will be put into pairs and will have a bag of wheat for a week and have to look after it as if it were your own Medabot! I mean, baby." Referee dude referred and began 'randomly' pairing the class into pairs. "When I call out your name, come up and collect your Medababy. Meda fight! Meda go!" And he blew his whistle.  
"Eat slugs Malfoy!" Ron's stick backfired and he died.  
"Harry...................................." the suspense was killing Harry. He wondered who he was going to get paired with. He looked at Ron and held his breath along with the whole class. "................................ will be paired with Ron Weasley- Oh, I've lost my list hang on...." Harry thought he was going to cry. Anyone but Ron. Anyone. "Yes he will be, no, I mean, hang on... Harry Potter will be paired with...................... Draco. Draco Malfoy." The class cheered and threw confetti while Ron looked forlorn and sighed unhappily.  
"One day... Harry will be mine... one day..." Ron hissed.  
The new couple ran up hand in hand and collected their Chukkrit baby who had a thin moustache was wearing just a tissue nappy and a muna hood. 

"Not Ron, not Ron... anything but Ron." The rest of the class prayed.  
"There wasn't a witch or wizard who went bad that wasn't paired with Ron." Rita Skeeter scootered away.  
"Blaise and Fred." Zabini the Vampire Slayer won the round.  
"NO!" George stood up and angrily shook his fist. "We used to be joined at the fingernail! I won't let you separate us! I WON'T!"  
"It's okay George, really, its okay. I'll never really be separated from you. You know that. I know you do." Georgie wiggled his fingernail in the air which was secret twin language for 'I'll meet you under the Whomping Willow at 5:06pm on the north side next to the oval stone and we'll smuggle under the moonlight'. 

"Hermione and Karkaroff. Seamus and Flint. Snape and The CreevsterTM. Lavender and Percy. Dean Thomas and Neville. James Franco and Sirius. Black and Ratio. Wood and Rammstein."  
Harry wondered if wood was some sort of stick that he was going to get beaten with.  
By the end of class everyone was paired up happily and tending to their new babies. Except for Ron. 

"What should we call our baby Drake?" Harry asked his lover.  
"I think we should call it Cody. Cody Iori Potter Malfoy." Harry's bitch randomly suggested.  
"Nah. How about Dumbledore?" Dumbledore popped his head in and whispered.  
"What about Bartemus?" Ratio, a rebel who didn't have a last name or a first, vibrated.  
"I know what it is! Lets call it Takato!" Harry hugged the bag of wheat as if it really was him and Draco's child.  
"I love it. And I love.... you Harry." Draco touched Harry's cheek lightly as they sat on the lawn.  
"I thought for a second you were going to say Lucius!" Harry sung.  
"Not in a million years. You're the man for me Potter." Draco punched him playfully on the shoulder and they both blushed red as the entire Weasley family combined.  
"Thanks Draco. And we both love you Takato Potfoy." The couple embraced with the new addition to the family, Takato Potfoy. 

Alex Band walked past.  
Everyron was in the Great Hall eating their babies and drinking Pumpkin Juice.  
"My friends call me 'X'" Xander Cage introduced himself and ate my face.  
"Die Harry's Dragon!" a Vin Deisel fan typed angrily.  
Draco was having a hard time over at the Hufflepuff table with his Chukkrit baby- it wouldn't keep any of its food down. Covered in vomit, Slytherin's Sexiest Stud of the Year couldn't take it anymore and put it in the fridge next to the milk.  
The hall was suddenly silenced by Dumbledore's silencing charm. "I have a few end of term announcements to make. The Avada Kedavra curse is strictly forbidden. And I believe Hagrid has a shameful secret he wishes to reveal. Rubeus," Dumble motioned for Hugrud to take the spotlight.  
The man was so giant that the light only fell on his shoe. "Yerr..." Hagrid grunted.   
Everyone cheered and clapped. "I shouldn't have told yer that." And with that the giant walked off. 

"Stop the violence! Stop the Guns!" Susan Bones jumped on the table Ratio-style and began screaming, pulling out a gun.  
Justin Finch-Fletcherly's baby bag of wheat killed him.  
Ernie MacMillion stole Justin's last pair of flannel shorts. "Yesssss... thank you Just, thanks a lot. I knew you like a brother. I knew you liked my brother."  
Hannah Abott mourned Justin's death. For she WAS his brother.  
Cedric got buried in the same Family-sized coffin as Justin. They were brothers too, you see. But Cedric wasn't to remain buried for long.... *coughCHOWcough* 

  
**A.N:** And that brought the end to our Hufflepuff special. And to our chapter! Will Hagrid's underpants be revealed? Why does Harry hug Hugrid so tightly in CoS? Who is Xander Cage working for? Find out in the next chapter of DEEEgimon DEEEgital monsters! Review! Review! Or we'll never write ever again! And don't forget to add us to your Favorite Stories/Author lists... AND if you want exclusive backstage passes to our next show, join the mailing list. 


	23. Chapter Twenty One: Run Away, Little Boy

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Matt gets raped and is too afraid to tell Tai what happened. How will this affect their relationship?  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Twenty One: Run Away, Little Boy**

_ Do you believe in magic in a young girl's heart  
How the music can free her, whenever it starts  
And it's magic, if the music is groovy   
It makes you feel happy like an old-time movie  
- Lovin' Spoonful, "Do You Believe In Magic" _

~ 

...Harry screamed as he ran away from Quinton's Maori Lessons.  
"Clex!" Samue-L acted badly in the new kKk movie.  
"You have three K's on the back of your neck. That's kind of iRONic seeing as you have three strikes." Seamus talked huskily at night. 

Meanwhile, Harry and Draco were sitting on the steps outside in the moonlight.   
Harry was wearing Alex Band Sunglasses, DJ headphones around his neck, a white wife beater and jean Dickies. In other words, he was wearing Eminem clothes. Draco was wearing an Alex Band red t-shirt and Jean flares with a white leather studded belt. Mmmm...  
"Wanna beer?" Draco said huskily, pulling out his soft pack of Marlboro Lights and motioning towards his 6 pack of Heineken.  
"Are you trying to get me drunk?" Harry killed the moment, as always.  
"Heh... um... no, of course not... heh...." Draco ran his fingers through his hair and laughed nervously. 'Damint, he figured out my plan. Oh well, he's such a geek... but he's so hot.' Draco thought to himself, lighting his cancer stick.  
"You shouldn't smoke. You're gonna die............... from that cigarette. You're giving yourself lung cancer! And I'm inhaling second hand smoke! You're killing me Draco!" Harry coughed pathetically and pulled out his portable fan to blow away the smoke. He couldn't help being such a geek. He was a Gryffindor after all. 

"Magic's not real." Seamus popped out from his four-leaf clover wearing a pimp suit.  
"Have you finished your Care of Magical Half-Giants homework? Which reminds me, we have that class tomorrow..." Draco puffed away.  
"Are you trying to seduce me? I'm not going to sleep with you Draco, not tonight! Ron's coming over... that poor bastard." Harry jumped to conclusions, as usual.  
"Look Harry, just try some beer." Draco again offered and Harry nervously took a small sip.  
"I think I'm drunk guys! Gimme some magical lung blackening white sticks!" Harry was flushed and tried to stand up but just fell down the stairs and landed in the Forbidden Forest. Draco rolled his eyes. Harry was such a loser. Maybe he should go find some cheap comfort with Seamus tonight.  
"Draco! Take me now!" Harry cried. "I'm drunk! Woo!"  
"Oh gods. What will everyone think? Gryffindor and Slytherin are supposed to be rivals... what will my father think?" Draco muttered to himself. Harry could be heard not too far away giggling maniacally. "Baka..." Draco shook his head and wandered down to where Harry had fallen. They had wild Buckbeak sex under the watchful eye of a certain Half-Giant who will not be named..... 

The very next morning at the Ravenclaw table...  
"You had sex with Draco didn't you? I can see it in your eyes." Ron was turning redder by the second and was glaring at Harry.  
"Look Ron, you're my best friend-" But Ron was too angry to hear what Harry had to say. "NO! Curse you both! I thought you loved me Harry! We were meant to be! I was your friend first on the train remember?"  
"Actually, I met Draco before I met your crappy family at Platform 9 3/4. Shame." Harry did have a point.  
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGG!" Ron roared like a chuebaka. "Eat slugs Malfoy!" Ron tried to curse but his wand exploded and killed him.  
"You must have real strong fingers..." Neville fighted.  
"Takato! Where have you been? Dobby said he found you in the fridge next to the milk!" Harry cuddled his bag of wheat and tied a Lord of the Rings bib around its neck. Draco picked it up and put it in the high chair.  
"Open wide Takato! Here comes the broomstick!" Draco proceeded to shove food onto the bag with a spoon. "Wow Harry, Takato's eating all of his breakfast today!"  
"Good boy Takato." Harry said, taking a swig of Bourbon that he had hidden within his robes. 

Seamus was having problems with his child. It kept chewing at its pimp suit that Pansy had made for it, while Hermione was teaching her and Curt Wild's baby how to steal from a supermarket.  
Pettigrew and Alicia Spinnet were having an argument over whether their sack was a boy or a girl.  
Everyone was hushed by the whooshing sounds of Owl wings and droppings as they flooded the Great Hall. Draco had received a secret Death Eating message from his father, and Harry had gotten something from his father too. It was a hit flask and Harry filled it up with the last of his Vodka and concealed it within his robes. Crabbe screeched as one of the owls snatched away his and Goyle's bag of wheat named Grabbe. All the sad couple could do was watch from a distance as the Owl ripped open the sack and ate some of the wheat inside. 

"Hey look! Ron's on the WANTED page of the Daily Prophet...." Percy read out loud to his fellow classmates.  
"Who's shadow is this?" Hermione pointed to the image of the dodgy shadow on the paper.  
"That's Ratio..." Quinton said in a hushed voice to one of his best friends.  
"Have you guys nearly finished? Its almost time for class." Harry, the other best friend of Quinton, reminded. 

"Oh no, we have Care of Magical Half-Giants with Slytherin!" Molly Weasley had too many children.  
"Actually, we have it with Hufflepuff. Didn't you get the new timetable?" Brad Pritt komodo dragoned.  
The class pushed their prams down to Hugrid's Hug and waited for the huge man to open the door. The door suddenly creaked open. Inside was dark and the class piled inside the large yet small hut. "Hagrid?" Ron poked the large naked lump on the huge bed and heard a grunt.  
"Blimey, is that the time?" Hagrid leapt off the bed (still naked) and greeted the shocked and traumatized and scarred for life class. 

"Yerr. Welcome to Diagon Alley!" Hagrid moaned in pleasure. Draco started to cry and Harry comforted him.  
"Its okay my dragonling, we'll get through this together, you and I." Harry patted his baby dragon on the back.  
"Make him stop Harry! I can't take it anymore!" Draco cries were getting louder and louder as Hagrid stepped closer and closer, putting his hand down his pants.  
"Your first assignment for Care of Magical Half-Giants is to give me a sponge bath! Everyone grab a Spongebob! I'll be over there in that dark corner. Waiting. Biding my time." Seamus eagerly grabbed a sponge and started sponging Hagrid down before he had even finished telling the assignment. 

Harry, Takato, Draco and Remus stayed outside. And for good reason.  
"Its okay Takato, that naked half-giant won't bother us anymore." Ron stole candy from Takato as Harry gulped down some Meths.  
"Codswallop in my opinion." Robbie Williams- not Coltrane! Haha fooled ya! FOOLERY! Fooled!  
And at the end of the day, Harry, Draco and Chukkrit baby all snuggled together on the roof, having nightmares about Hugrid's hug. 

The End. 

  
**A.N:** How will Takato cope with the loss of his only father? Will Neville reveal the Dark Mark to his Grandmother? Who is that shadow in the Daily Prophet? Why did we write Hagrid naked? Tune in next time for PUMP THE BREAKS. Review! Review! Review! Tell your friends, print it out and pass it around the school! 


	24. Chapter Twenty Two: Mitch on the Run

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Harry's love life falls apart and he finds himself falling for Slytherin's biggest slut! But will his rebound turn into more when certain truths about his lover are revealed?  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Twenty Two: Mitch On the Run**

_ You do the Ronald  
You do the Ronald  
You do the Ronald  
You do the Ronald  
- Ronald McDonald, "You do the Ronald" _

~ 

"I should have known you'd be here, Professor McGonagall." Dudley said to his parrot. Ron was trying to cut a lightening bolt on his forehead with a craft knife. "Yessssss now I'll be as rich and as famous and as good looking as the famous Harry Potter..." Ron gnarled to himself.  
"Ron! You shouldn't be here!" Treffor caught Ron with the knife in his elbow.  
"Neither should you..." Dean weasled.  
Takato used his digivice to digimodify Guilmon. "Digimodify! Poorness activate!" 

But nobody was prepared for Ron's ultimate plan... 

Meanwhile at the Hogwarts car park, Ginny was setting up a game. An amazing game full of adventure and excitement. "Okay guys! Lets play Arabian Whispers!" Everyone gathered around in a circle, even Master Quatre with his people.  
"I shall start!" Ratio motioned with his hands and swirled his moustache and twirled his cape. He leaned into Madame Pomfrey and whispered a chamberly secret that shall not be named... "Hushshshhshhhhshhshhhshhshsh!" It was as if someone had said Voldemort (hushshhshsshhsh!) and Barty shivered in anticipation wheezingly.   
Madame Maxine skanked on Gringotts Goblin #63 and whispered hoarsely in its ear. "Let's match the power of Slytherin against the famous Harry Potter."   
Dean Thomas raped Seamus's face and whispered an Irish secret. "Anyone want a slightly-used fluffy thing?" 

Seamus undressed Tom Riddle with his Irish smiling eyes. "I live for this shit!" And once again Ron was made a few cents poorer by the swear box as Vin yelled in Xander's ear.  
"Once I make my move, you'll be free to take the Queen." Ron poored bravely to Harry, whom he thought was his best friend.  
"No Ron, NO!" Harry hushed to Cedric's decomposing corpse.  
Chow maoved Cedric's lips and snapped his neck towards Alun, the Twins' friend. "What is it?"  
Alun nodded at the body and won the Junior Clubman of the Year award, and lay down on Fred... or was it George? No, really it was Fred. "He's going to sacrifice himself!"  
The twins tickled Alun and whispered sweet nothings into Wufei's ear... "No Ron, you CAN'T!" Wu - Fei turned to the Captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team, Oliver Wood and snarled into his ear, "Scuppers is dead!" Oliver began to cry, clutching his Sailor Dog book.  
"The powers of darkness...." he whispered to the dodgy Potato sack Iori Slut who began vibrating and eyeing TK hungrily. TK hid behind Matt, so Cody had to whisper to Takato.  
"No Takato! Stay away from that strange little boy!" Draco, one of Takato Potfoy's Dads warned his son.   
So Cody had to whisper to Hagrid, who picked him up and put him in one of his jacket pockets.... "Oh no its Ken. Well, here he comes..." The half-giant giggled at Iori's kewl logic, and squashed him. 

He took a few giant steps over to Orlie and gristled his gristle on Orlie's face and dribbled giant dribble as he blew in Orlie's ear, "Dry up Dursley you great prune!" Orlie turned to Zippo, a talking dinosaur that lived in Dinotopia who was currently playing Ping Pong.  
"Psst... Puffapod..." The badly computer animated dinosaur nodded and turned to the pilot of Gundam 02, Duo Maxwell.  
"Woohoo! Dinotopia!" Duo killed some people.  
"You're my hero, Heero!" The braided baka (not Chewbacca!) whispered to the Perfect Soldier.  
Heero got up from Duo's lap and killed Relena and sat on Seamus, whispering to his Irish lover. "My ayebrowz have groon bak."  
"What's Seamus trying to do?" Harry asked.  
Ron popped out from behind the Ford Anglia in the car park and made some handicapped noises. "*handicapped noise* Harry, yay *handicapped noise* duh Harry. Trying to turn water into rum *handicapped noise*."  
"Ron its not your turn!" Hermione scolded angrily.  
Meanwhile, Seamus was having some fun with HIS Irish lover, Ronan the Centaur.  
"You're that guy from Boyzone, aren't you?" Ronan keatened at Seamus's sandy hair and galloped over to Hermione...  
"When you say nothing at all!" Hermione raped the centaur. 

Suddenly in a corner not too far away from the games a giant spider was spinning a fable.  
"Seamus, I can't wait till you're legal..." Ratio snidely sniped rebelly.  
"Neither can I... lets go to Japan where the legal age is 14..." Seamus ayed at the rebel known as Ratio.  
"Okay." And go to Japan they did. 

Secretly inside a grubby pile of rubbish, Ron was creating his latest creation.  
"Aha! Its finally complete!" Ron cackled like a mad scientist. "My genetically enhanced latex rubber mask molded to Harry's face will quantumly deceive the one and only Malfoy. Draco Malfoy. And he'll fall in love with me and our love will create an eternal bond and we'll NEVER BE SEPERATED!!!!!!" Ron cackled again, and slipped on the mask made with paper, cellophane and glue.  
Ron/Harry looked in the mirror.   
"Aha! I know what it needs to complete it!" Ron dug around in his satchel and pulled out a green glow-in-the-dark crayon and drew a crooked scar on his chin like a mokoooooooooooooooooooooooooo. 

Now Ron was ready to face the world as Harry and win back his true love. 

The next thing that happened was Draco saw Ron disguised as Harry and fell deeply in love with him, even though his clothes were shabby and his hair was red and his scar was in the wrong place and his face was made of paper. As every good wizard knows, falling so much in love with someone creates an eternal bond that can only be broken by the Heir of Godric Gryffindor. Harry found out and defeated the fake Harry, breaking the bond and he and Draco lived happily ever after. 

"Ahh my scar... its glowing!" Lil' Ron, the new rapper dude on the block who was the son of Brain McKnight.  
"Yes they ARE lesbian on Digimon..." A smelly computer guy blended into the conversation.  


Meanwhile, Ratio and Seamus were still in Japan, shopping for the latest Japanese Manga to bring back for the Gryffindor Boyz... o_O 

Haley/Harry! 

  
**A.N:** Will Pikachew (baka!) and Ash Ketchup discover the hidden meaning behind Johnto Island League Shop Ship? We won't write anymore until we get 37167842374 reviews! Woo! Now you'll really have to review! 


	25. Chapter Twnty Three: Harry Potter and th...

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, the Hanson brothers are in for a big surprise when they learn that Zac wasn't the only Hanson born on the 22nd night of October 1985!  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Twenty Three: Harry Potter and the Pyramids of Furmat**

_ She only want me for my pimp juice (that's all she want me for f'real)  
Not my pimp juice, I'm talkin new pimp juice  
I think I need to cut her loose (it's time for homegirl to recognize)  
Yes I do, yes I doooooo-hoooo  
- Nelly, "Pimp Juice" _

~ 

"Biga-newsa!" K shot Cody in his runty little leg.  
"Holy cricket! You're Harry Potter!" Penelope Clearwater exclaimed.  
"Um... no actually, I'm........... CHEWBACCA! Argggg!" Chewie ripped off his Harry mask and scared everyone into the Great Hall, just in time for Dumbledore's important announcement!  
"Peep dis yo! There will be annual dorm inspections which will start today! Yes, that's right.   
Today. So you'd all better scoff down your breakfast and run back to you bedrooms and clean up because I will be sending teachers around in exactly 10 minutes. That is all!"  
Chaos erupted. Draco gulped down his pumpkin juice hurriedly and left his breakfast for one of his goons to eat and set off running to the Slytherin dorms.  
"Harry! Get up, quick! There are dorm inspections in exactly 8 minutes and YOU HAVE TO LEAVE!" Draco screamed at the naked Heir of Godric Gryffindor who was sprawled out on his bed. Harry mumbled incoherently and rolled off the bed, landing with a crash on the floor.   
Draco pushed him under his bed, along with his collection of Manga comics and empty beer bottles. 

Meanwhile, in the Gryffindor dorms, Seamus was having an argument with one of his Leprechaun prostitutes he had hired just minutes before. Leprechaun Prostitutes in the dorms were against school policy.  
"Oh cripes!" Snape cried at the mess the Gryffindor common room was in. "Whatever are we going to do?"  
"I know...." Neville schemed, "Hey Ron! I have a job for you... you'll get PAID!" Ron appeared out of nowhere and was drooling hungrily.  
"I'll pay you 50 cents to clean the bedrooms-" Lavender offered.  
"-and the common room!" Hagrid yerred.  


The clock was ticking. There was only 6 minutes left till inspection time. Ron thought about it and thought what a great deal he was getting. "Yes! I'll do it!" Everyone clapped and cheered, and went back down to the Great Hall to finish their breakfast. Except for Chow, who was having problems hiding Cedric's rotting corpse. 

Meanwhile, Ron was cleaning around Dean Thomas's bed when he saw a huge pile of white dust on the bedside table. Ron shrugged, and vacuumed it up, because he didn't have a wAnd and couldn't afford any knowledge of magic. Humming happily to himself, the poor child dreamed of what he could do with 50 cents.  
"Maybe I should open a savings account at Gringotts!" Not bad, not bad at all.  
"Na! Na! Yuki! Yuki!" Shuichi rychew'd.  
Ron polished Seamus's sex toys and arranged them neatly in the sandy-haired Irish boy's trunk. "I wonder what this one does?" Ron asked no one in particular as he held up a fluffy maoving blob thing. 

There was 30 seconds left.... Ron tucked in Hermione's sheet..... 27.... Ron washed all the graffitied Yuki pictures off the walls... 25.... he mopped up the puddles on the stairs... 20.... Ron coughed.... 5.... 4... 3... 2... 1...  
"Ahem!" McGonagall cleared her throat and startled the poor Weasel. He had finished just in time! The entire house of Gryffindor crowded behind the teacher, nervously wondering if Ron had properly cleaned everything.  
Wandering around with a clipboard in hand, McGonagall and her Basilisk checked off everything that was in order.  
"Seamus's puddles cleaned up: check. Graffiti off walls: check. Bed's made: check. Rubbish taken care of: check- wait! What's this?" The Basilisk had a sharp eye for spotting rubbish, and pointed with his tail to a rotting pile of food and fast food wrappers that were in between Harry's and Roger Davies's beds.  
"Oh, that's Ron's bed, Professor." Hermione piped up.  
"Yesssssssss!" Vin punched the air happily.  
Suddenly without warning, Dean Thomas burst in crying hysterically. "Who took my pile-o-cocaine?!" 

"Second-hand smoke me Alex Band!" Puppet Master left to join Lifehouse.  
Draco had grown over the summer and Harry noticed that he had filled out under his Quidditch robes considerably. Harry blushed and tried not to stare and the newly-handsome Slytherin seeker.  
"Harry stop staring at my ass!" Draco was doing an ass dance in front of Harry's face. The Gryffindor seeker had been in a trance for the past 15 minutes. Harry wondered if Draco was thinking the same naughty thoughts about him.  
Draco was thinking that Harry looked particularly malnourished and wondered if his stupid Muggle family had bothered to feed him. 

"Meet the Masons!" Hannibal ate.  
"Gather round boysss...... an' girls. Seamus 'as got some trinkets in 'is sack feh each of yeh!" The Irish lovah snarled. He dug deep into Harry's pants- I mean, the sack and pulled out.....  
"Wow! Goku porn! Thanks Seamus!" The guy who plays the bad guy on xXx loved his present that Seamus had brought back from Japan.  
"I've got a special something for yyyyyyyou George!" Seamus wiggled his hips at his fave twin, and handed him a grubby brown paper bag. George (or was it Fred?) snatched the package off him hungrily and ran away.  
"C'mon Seamus, what did you get me from Japan when you went there 3 months ago with Ratio? Than damn sniper..." Nelly snipes, promoting his new movie Snipes (stars James Patterson III or Pete from Smallville...).  
"How could I forget you my sweet little dragon?" Seamus stroked Draco's hair and Draco cringed. Harry roared silently.  
"Yay! New Gundam Wing Doujinshi!" Draco ran into Hagrid's hut to read them all right away. 

Meanwhile, in the poor part of town there was a red head who was lookin' to get paid... "Here Ron, I nearly forgot..." Harry dug around in his gold money sack. Ron's face lit up like a cheap strip bar. "Aha! Another Weasley..." Who knew Harry's money sack could talk? He handed Ron a shiny silver coin.  
"Thanks Harry! Oh wow... my very own..." Ron read (he can read?) the money coin, "Five cents.... New Zealand..... Oh wow! Thanks so much Harry, this is more than I ever wanted! Your the best friend a poor guy could ever have." Ron raped Harry's leg.  
"Ew, get the fuck off me...." Harry shook his leg until the thing clutching it fell off with a loud thump. 

Seamus didn't make it to the toilet in time.  
'I just cleaned those puddles up Seamus!' Ron thought to himself angrily, and grabbed a mop.  
"But wait, there's more!" Seamus cried to the crowd who was slowly beginning to disperse. "More, really?" Peter Pettigrew digivolved to Scabbers.  
"Here's some, 'Yes they are Lesbian on Digimon' porn for Hermione!" Seamus handed the sacred document to Hermione who snuggled up in a corner with Pansy to read YOLEI (hushshhshshshsshss! Forbidden word!).  
"What about me Seamus? I'm the one who you slept with the most!" Hannah Abbott screamed in her Hufflepuff way.  
"Yeah, but I'm the one who pays for your Leprechaun Prostitutes!" Barty Crouch's back snapped.  
"Who told you abou' Fluffy? Me! Tha's righ'!" Dumbledore old manned.  
"Give it to now Seamus!" Cedric won the Triwizard Cup. And survived!  
"Give me that funk that sweet that funky stuff..." Viktor Krum grew his ayebrows. Fleur giggled. Its Triwizard Champion Special! The REAL Triwizard Champions!  
Seamus was getting teared apart limb from limb. Harry grabbed the Gravitation boxed DVD set, Dean Thomas managed to snatch up a limited edition Nittle Grasper concert video and Tom Riddle managed to get his claws on the Digimon Season 4 Soundtrack. 

Everyone left when Seamus didn't have anymore presents in his sack. The Irish Gryffindor was slumped in a corner bleeding and barely breathing. Aw!  
"You ruined the magic Christopher Columbus!!" Jay-Kay screeched. 

It felt like Christmas in the Great Hall, because everyone was reading/watching/using their gifts from Seamus. 

  
**A.N:** What's with all the Japanese cartoon references? When will our website be finished? How an earth did Ron trick Harry into being his friend? Stay tuned to find out! Review! Review! Review! 


	26. Chapter Twenty Four: The Ins and Outs of...

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Tom Felton decides to quit acting and become a fisherman! But what happens when he gets shipwrecked on a Mystical Island?  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Twenty Four: The Ins and Outs of Inns**

_ Hush hush, eye to eye   
Too shy shy   
Hush hush, eye to eye   
Too shy shy   
Hush hush, eye to eye   
Too shy shy   
Hush hush   
- Kajagoogoo, "Too Shy Shy" _

~ 

Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number 4, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.  
"And I'm Draco Malfoy. Just call me Draco will do." Draco introduced himself to Hermione after he and Harry had become friends. 

Currently, all the students were in Anime-style Drawing Class.  
"Oh no we have Potions with Slytherin!" A proud red-haired male poor Weasley Gryffindor gasped as he saw Harry's eight inch rod spring free from its confines.  
"Have you signed up for the School Production? You're perfect for the lead Harry! I know you'll get the part- I believe in you!" Dedalus Diggle diggled dedalusly diggorusly while digging some deeds. Deedle.  
Everyone crowded around the list which was pinned up on the Community Notice board outside the Great Hall. 

LOUIE....................................................... Harry Potter  
MOTHER.................................................... Viktor Krum  
KING'S SON (Yengunjumbelishi)................ Marcus Flint  
KUMAGORO............................................... Draco Malfoy  
SON #1..................................................... Dean T  
SON #2..................................................... Madame Maxime  
SON #3..................................................... Frankie Muniz  
SON #4..................................................... Ratio  
SON #5..................................................... Takato Potfoy  
SON #6..................................................... Haley/Harry  
SON #7..................................................... Hermione  
SON #8..................................................... Dementor #3  
SON #9..................................................... Dudley  
SON #10................................................... Alun  
SON #11................................................... Trowa  
SON #12................................................... Prof. Sprout  
SON #13................................................... Quentin  
SON #14................................................... Fred  
SON #15................................................... Hagrid  
ROTTING CORPSE...................................... Cedric  
SCAVENGER............................................... Ronald Weasley  
KING.......................................................... Voldemort 

Previously in the Auditorium.  
"Right! That's it! Everyone grab my ass- I mean, a script and line up." The Director of the whole shebang, Seamus Finnigan, ordered.  
Harry licked his chapped lips nervously. The closest thing he had ever done to acting was when he and Snape role-played in bed.  
"Yeh not nervou' are yeh 'arry? The's nothi' tah w'rry abou' no' dfg'adajh hjaksjd'uwyr yeriiy'ew! Heh heh." Hagrid's beard twitched.  
"I hope I get the part as Aladdin! I AM Arabian you know...." Master Quatre's Master bombed America. 

"HARRY! You're up first seeing as you're THEE Harry Potter- The Boy Who Lived..... the boy who defeated Voldemort (Hushshhshshhshshshshshsh!) 6 times. You don't need to audition. Congratulations you have the lead role as Louie! Are you alright, by the way? Did Volde hurt you? Thanks again mate." Seamus patted Harry on the thigh.  
Everyone stood and applauded Harry on his amazing efforts, even though Harry never really defeats Voldemort because he keeps coming back... o_O.  
"And the winner of the Hagrid Spanked my Ass trophy goes to........ HARRY JAMES POTTER!" Mr Wright/Wrong wronged rightly so.  
"I'd like to thank my parents, because if they were still alive I wouldn't be here today- thanks for dying! I hate you! You goddamn bastards left me all alone in this crappy world with loser muggles.... if you weren't already dead I would have killed you mesel'!!! And thanks to my agent, Chris Columbus and the Bones fam. Also extra special thanks to God- I love you big guy! No not you Hagrid.... I can't believe I'm up here.... thanks to all my fans- I wouldn't be standing up here if it wasn't for all you guys spending your money on my album! Thanks again! Peace out!" Harry found his way back to his seat, clutching his trophy in one hand, and a bottle of Jack Daniels Vodka in the other. 

"And now to present the award for Best Kiss scene, recording artists- THE MOFFATTS! And Jake." The Canadian foursome plus one swaggered onto the stage as all the girls screamed and threw their bras.  
"And the winner of the Medabots medal goes to........ HARRY JAMES POTTER!" Mr Wright/Wrong wronged rightly so.  
"I'd like to thank my parents, because if they were still alive I wouldn't be here today- thanks for dying! I hate you! You goddamn bastards left me all alone in this crappy world with loser muggles.... if you weren't already dead I would have killed you mesel'!!! And thanks to my agent, Chris Columbus and the Bones fam. Also extra special thanks to God- I love you big guy! No not you Hagrid.... I can't believe I'm up here.... thanks to all my fans- I wouldn't be standing up here if it wasn't for all you guys spending your money on my album! Thanks again! Peace out!" Harry found his way back to his seat, clutching his medal in one hand, and a bottle of Coruba in the other.  
"Not bad... not bad at all..." Ron said, admiring his handiwork 

Meanwhile, in a meaningful place....  
The Harry Potter Students were getting ready to perform their play!  
"Alright, places everybody!" Seamus growled, snapping at Snape's ankles.  
"Good luck." Ginny gave Harry a bottle of Gin.  
"Places everyron!" Draco tugged at his Kumagoro suit and gave the signal to raise the curtain. The lights dimmed and someone said 'Voldemort' which husshshshshhshshsed the audience. 

"...his strength and power reach everywhere." Marcus Flint showed Volde's sons #7-15 a map of his country and spoke his opening line very convincingly.  
"Not in my house they don't!" that punk Harry Potter played a very convincing Louie.  
"Son of teacher is forgetting I am son of Voldemort!" Yengunjumbelishi said (English is his second language).  
"Son of teacher couldn't care less!" Snarled Louie/Harry/Haley.  
"You will sit somewhere else!" Flint/Yengunjumbelishi was wearing funny gold pants and had his hair in a top knot.  
"I will not!" Louie did the fingers to Voldie's son.  
"Louie! Remember what I told you." Krum/Mom hissed almost parselmouth-like.  
"I'm sorry mother, but he started it!" Tommie apologized.  
"KUMAGORO BEAM!" Draco/Kuma bopped Harry/Haley on the head with his Kumagoro toy.  
"Man never tell women he is sorry ever! If you had father you would know that." Flint flashed a toothy grin.  
"You don't have a father, you have a map!" Harry shoved Yengunjumbelishi, which is forbidden like the Dark Forest.  
"Louie!" Krum said gruffly, sensei sensing a fight.  
"It is forbidden to touch royalty!" Flint knew his country's laws well.  
"I didn't touch you, I shoved you! Why don't you get one of your servants to shove me back?" As if on cue, Peter Pettigrew popped out of Ron's bed and shoved Harry back. 

"Ron has a bed?" Arthur Weasley inquired.  
"Yes, ever since the Homeless Bum Protection Act was made. As long as Dumbledore's around, poverty can't touch him. As long as Dumbledore's around he's got a bed." Hermione informed everyone from behind a huge book. Wow Hermione made an appearance in this chapter! 

"Take that side!" Son #10/Alun took that side and started beating the shit out of Louie.  
"Kill the spare!" King Voldemort came in and conjured a Dark Mark in the sky and killed everyone. 

The play got rave reviews and Seamus decided to take the show to Broadway where he made millions as the fourth member of the Three Irish Tenors. Ronan, Finbar and Anthony welcomed Seamus with warm Irish arms and celebrated at the local point Molly Malone's then moved on to the local karaoke bar Kitty O'Sheas where they sang their Irish tenornisishly. 

The very next morning and 3 beers later....  
"Hi Ron." said Harry using his fake smile and hoping the pumpkin juice he was gulping down would disguise the whisky on his breath. But really his goblet was half-filled with tequila.  
"Guys, we're going to Borabora!" Ron sat down next to his good friend who would do anything for him. He had found some amazingly rich looking clothes in the bin today- clothes fit for a prince! Gold genie pants and a gold sash, and a funny top... but the bonus find was a white bobble combination hairnet! Ron had put his red dreadlocks into a top knot. Even the Creevster thought Ron's look was an improvement and starting snapping photos.  
"Yeah baby, work the camera! Make love to Seamus- I mean, the camera! Yeah! Yeah Ron!" the Creevster was renowned for his photography of cross-dressing red-heads and Ron would help him on the way to greatness. There's no doubt about that. 

Suddenly, before Harry could finish his porridge and his 12 pack of Lion Red, a certain Ravenclaw had an emotional outburst that would change Harry forever.  
"You killed him! You killed my sweet Ced! My Sweet Ric...... DIE HARRY DIE!!!" Chow screamed, finally admitting that the poor sod was dead.  
'Oh no', Harry thought to himself. 'I really did kill Cedric! Its all my fault! I must go and confide in Draco!' Harry excused himself from the Gryffindor table and ran over to the Broom shed where he knew there were some broom cleaning products that would make a cheap substitute for alcohol. But before Harry could take that first delightful sniff, Draco barged in and Harry snarled angrily. Draco thought Harry had been spending too much time with that Weasley kid and some of his poor actions was rubbing off. Poor bastard.  
"Look Harry, I think you have a problem. A drinking problem. Ever since that cold stormy night when I peer-pressured you to take a sip of alcohol you've been addicted to that devils brew! I can't have a relationship with an alcoholic, Harry. I'm sorry but I just can't!" Draco was now in hysterics. But the last thing Harry saw as the black clouds surrounded him and his glasses fogged up mysteriously was Seamus's glinting gold tooth. 

Harry did the fingers to Voldemort through the window because he couldn't be bothered defeating him. 

  
**A.N:** Why is Yuki bleeding from the mouth? Have you guys revealed the hidden track on the Three Irish Tenors plus Seamus's cd (its track 567 by the way)? Will Harry survive and defeat Voldemort for once and for all? Review! Review! Review! 


	27. Chapter Twenty Five: Riches and Rags

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Sirius's daughter was conceived at an early age of 17, they had to give her up. She's back now and in Harry's arms!  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Twenty Five: Riches and Rags**

_ You can't touch this  
You can't touch this  
You can't touch this  
You can't touch this  
You can't touch this  
- MC Hammer, "U Can't Touch This" _

~ 

The sun was streaming through Harry's curtains and he yawned. Surprisingly he hadn't gotten woken up by the sounds of Neville and Dean lovin' in the bed next to him. 

Meanwhile, Ron was sitting on his pile of rubbish, scraping the gold of the Harry Potter gold leaf books.  
"Good morning Harry!" the red-haired punk smiled poorly at his rich friend.  
"Good morning it is!" Harry grinned, thinking about what a lovely day today was going to be. He was meeting his boyfriend for breakfast at Starbucks before school started. Nothing could ruin Harry's good mood, not even when McGonagall burst in screaming, "Harry, quick! Ginny's lying unconscious down in the Chamber of Secrets!" 

Today was going to be the last day of Harry's life and he didn't have a clue. 

"Snape's been trying to get the DADA job for ages!" Millicent Bullstrode started the breakfast conversation off to a nice start, spooning a spoonful of butter into her mouth.  
"Kia Ora! He mihi nunui kia koutou katoa!" Quinton agreed with Millie and cooked a Hangi.  
"Do you watch Gundam Wing on Cartoon Network?" Mrs Mason snarled. Ron had just stolen the Daily Prophet and was reading it when he came across an article about his very own family!  
"Wow Ron, your family's in the Daily Prophet!" Lavender Brown gulped.  
"Ron, I didn't know your family won the lottery....." Adrian Pucey read.  
"It says here they brought a mansion in Bangladesh and are living like royalty!" Harry exclaimed as Ron's ears steamed.  
"Arthur, Molly, Bill, Charlie, Percy, George, Fred, Ginny, Scabbers, Pig and Errol are enjoying their *pound sign* 999, 9900909099090000900.45 mansion which is atop a mountain that the family bought as well. Arthur, the head of the family says that he couldn't be more thrilled with the palace. 'I'm glad to be spending this money on my family and we are now closer than ever.' The Weasley's have reportedly bought several large countries and a horse." Ron looked down the Gryffindor Table and noticed that Percy, the twins and Ginny were missing. He checked the Owlery and Errol and Pig were gone without a trace. He asked some of the owls where his two best friends had gone but they had been sworn to secrecy. Ron ran up to the boys dorms and checked everyone's bed and then his pocket. Scabbers was no where in sight!  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Ron screamed in pain like a dying Zebra. 

"Did you hear something?" Terry Boot thought he heard something.  
"It sounded like a dying Zebra....." Hermione whispered, poking Wood with her fork.  
"You've got some nerve!" Penelope Clearwater drank. 

Meanwhile, at the evil lords of darkness table- no, not Slytherin...... but Ravenclaw!  
Draco was scrawling on the back of a napkin with his quill and scrunched it up and threw it at Harry. It fell on Harry's soggy bacon and he opened it up. In a neat glowing green loopy script (Draco was a Slytherin after all) were the words, 'The rubber room- 6th period'. Harry wrapped up a piece of egg and threw it back which meant he would meet him but he'd be a bit late because he was serving detention with Hagrid tonight. 

The enchanted bell rung and the Wiz Kids all stood and filtered off to their classes.  
"Oh no, we have Drug Education with Slytherin!" Emma Dobbs who was Dennis Creevy's girlfriend, gasped horribly.  
"Oh no we missed the Sorting and I really wanted to see it because my sister Ginny was getting sorted!" Eleanor Columbus was visibly upset.  
"Ginny got sorted into Hufflepuff." Ron snarled poorly, which was expected. Poor sod. 

The class gathered some mushrooms from the forest floor, and took their seats in the classroom which was in the Dungeon. Draco and his brute squad were already there because the secret entrance to the Slytherin Dorms was right next door! 

"Right you are! I am your local Policeman, Constable Barry. Just Barry, your local Policewizz. With the help of my faithful puppet dog Russell," Russell barked as if on cue, "We will educate you on the dangers of using drugs and alcohol so you can live in a safer, cleaner environment."  
Everyone looked at Harry, who was trying to take a sip of Royal Crown Draft, which was concealed in his robes.  
"Sir, do you know anything about the Chamber of Secrets?" Hermione raised her hand and asked Professor Binns who promptly fell off his pile-o-history-books.  
"Now everyone get into pairs and role-play the situation I just explained." Constable Barry and puppet dog Russell sat down and watched them all interact. 

"Ron, you'll be the drug dealer and I'll be the innocent child." Seamus winked. He was a pro at this game as many of his clients enjoyed this sort of role play.  
"Okay, Pavarti Patil you can be the dairy owner and I'll be the white trash who tries to buy a bottle of Zotab and a pack of cigarettes off of you." Harry suggested, foaming at the mouth when he thought of his sweet sweet tranquilizers.  
Meanwhile on the evil side of the class, Draco was getting beaten up by a very convincing gang leader Crabbe.  
"I paid you back! What more do you want from me Crabbe?!" Draco cried.  
Constable Barry thought this was enough role-play for one day and silenced the class with a silencing charm just in time.  
"Zotab!" Harry screeched at Padma, and made a 'Z' with his fingers. Russell barked, empowering the silencing charm which was even too strong for Harry to break with his addiction. 

"Sir, what if someone you know is using drugs?" a concerned 7th year asked and everyone looked at Harry.  
"Well, first you should tell a teacher, a parent or your local Policewizz and they'll make sure your friend gets the help they need to kick their habit." Russell answered the question gruffly, tilting his police hat which glowed in the dim light. 

Suddenly without warning, Russell began sniffing the air- he had picked up the scent of alcohol amongst the students!  
"Don't be alarmed everyone- Russell here seems to have picked the scent of alcohol in this very classroom. Stay calm and don't look him directly in the eye because he will think you're challenging him to a fight. Come on Russell, find that alcoholic!" Constable Barry encouraged.   
The entire class was sitting quietly in anticipation, wondering who among them was guilty of underage drinking. 

Russell growled and sniffed around Ron who gulped nervously.  
"What is it boy?" Just Barry encouraged and Russell barked at something under the table. "And the heavy drinker is........ HARRY JAMES POTTER?" Constable Barry gasped in unison with the entire class. Harry was crouched under his desk nursing a bottle of Southern Comfort. Nobody suspected that Harry would turn to drugs to deal with all the trauma that had happened during his life.  
"I'm sorry Harry, but I'm going to have to turn you in." Constable Barry saw a lot of this on the streets. Many children who have been stalked by Voldemort tuned to alcohol when the pressure of everyone expecting them to defeat him would get too much.  
"Ron's the name and money's the game..." Ron extended his hand to the friendly Policewizz Puppet dog, whose name was Russell.  
"We must be getting close!!!!!" Hermione, the star of the chapter, bowed.  
"Russell, would you please escort Mr Potter to the Headmasters Office? Then you can alert the proper authorities to take him away." Constable Barry favored Russell and entrusted him with such an important task. He threw him a dog roll to encourage him further and Russell yipped in reply. 

Harry felt Russell's breath on the back of his neck as he ran as fast as his scrawny legs could carry him to the Headmasters office, with Russell snapping at his heels all the way. Russell stopped at a huge road cone and said, "Hammer time" which must have been the password because the road cone swung open.  
'So this is where Armando Dippet's office is...' Harry thought to himself.  
"Oh look, its Potter..." Armando Dippet drawled paledly as Harry entered his office. "That is all Russell." he nodded to the puppet dog who ran back to his master... Puppet Master. Or was it Master Quatre?  
"No, but Snape he- he was the one who..." Harry began to defend himself but Armando stopped him.  
"No Harry, you have to take responsibility for your actions. Its nobody's fault but your own. I'm afraid that you will have to go to Wizard Rehab- the local rehab centaur for wizards!" Armando apparated away just as the proper wizarding authorities came in to restrain Harry and take him away.  
"I'm not going home. Not really..." Harry cried as they tipped him upside-down and all his bottles fell out which were concealed within his robes. 

Suddenly, Harry found himself in a cell and in the cell next to him was no other than... Tom Marvolo Riddle! They soon became best friends and traded camping stories. 

One day, he had a visit from a family member.  
"Unkie Remus! And who's this you've brought along with you?" Harry smiled through his scraggy beard he had grown because they weren't allowed to shave in Wizard Rehab.  
"Meat Sirius! My long-time boyfriend. You don't mind, do you Harry?" Remus shared a kiss with Sirrie.  
"Not really, I mean I've walked in on Fred and George in compromising positions more than I can remember!" Ron guffawed.  
"What the fuck is that poor bastard damn scoundrel street rat take that, I don't buy that.... doing here?!" Abu scratched his flea ridden mangy fur.  
"Well, I'd like you to meet someone as well. Tom...?" At this very moment Tom Felton- not Riddle! stepped forward from inside the shadows.  
"Me and Tom.... well.... we're a couple.... you don't mind do you?" Harry was nervous that his uncles would reject him.  
"You're.... you're dating Lucius? Lucius's son? YOU'RE DATING A MALFOY? THOSE PUREBLOOD BASTARDS!!!" Remmie fumed at the mouth while Sirrie tried to calm him down.  
"Inter-house dating is strictly forbidden!" Armando popped out of nowhere and took 376 points from both houses.  
"THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY US??? All those years we worked hard to get you a wizarding education and you throw it all back in our faces by being a bloody faggot with A MALFOY!!!!" Sirrie was gripping his wand tightly.  
"Sirius, please. Lets be supportive of our son. We promised we would try to be as good a parents as Narcissa and James were. Lets not break that promise." Remmie scolded his life partner and they ran away. 

  
**A.N:** Did Yuki jump off the boat or did he just run away? And what's with that funny smell coming from the Prefects bathrooms? When will Voldemort strike back? And who an earth is Ron? Find out in the next chapter of... Pump the Breaks! Review! Review! Review! 


	28. Chapter Twenty Six: HarryDraco Bonanza

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Draco and Harry receive some extraordinary news- Dumbledore uncovers some old school records and reveal to them that they're... cousins?!  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Twenty Six: Harry/Draco Bonanza**

_ I'm just wild about Harry  
And Harry's wild about me  
- Draco Malfoy, "Wild About Harry" _

~ 

"I know what that is! Its an invisibility cloak!" Ron's eyes bugged out at the silvery watery cloak Harry was holding.  
"Actually Ron, its my rain jacket. Shame." Harry shamed that poor little runt out totally!  
"He's so wheat in the video.... for a white trash rapper, anyway." Hermione sighed over her 8 Mile poster. Eminem was the new Lockhart in Hermione's life! 

Meanwhile, at night time in the Gryffindor Boys dorms, Harry ran in invisibly and pulled the covers off Ron and discovered he slept naked.  
"Ron! Ron......................" Harry stared for what seemed like an crystal eternity. "Its me.... my..... oh my god Ron....... me parents! Ron, you've got to see.......... that! I mean, this! Ron its my parents- you've got to see this......................" Harry then mumbled something as Ron woke up and Harry concealed him underneath his invisibility cloak and - still naked- made their way to the room where the Mirror was being kept.  
"Tena koutou katoa!" Quinton startled them. 

Suddenly at the Great Hall, Seamus's vibrating heart bed came vibrating in.  
"Harry, do you think this mirror shows the future?" Ron said, hoping that one day he would be as rich as a Potter.  
"How can it? You'll never be rich, handsome, Head Boy and the Quidditch Captain." Harry laughed at Ron who would never amount to anything and probably join Voldie.  
Harry walked into the Girl's Bathroom on the third floor and was startled to see Draco was in there... wearing a dress!  
"Draco! I didn't know you were into that sort of thing..." Harry blushed.  
"There's a lot of things you don't know about me Potter." Draco twirled around.  
"Is that a challenge?" Harry gripped his wand tightly.  
"Is that so?" Neville curtsied.  
The referee came in, ready to start the battle.  
"Is that Hagrid... or Hogwarts?" Adrian Pucey squinted at the huge shape that loomed above the Quidditch Pitch.  
"Meda Fight! Meda Go! Medabots...." The Referee sailed away in the distance in his boat. 

Draco did the first spell. "Punchus Facio!" A silver jet of light streamed out of Draco's wand- no, not that wand- and hit Harry in the face and he fell over.  
"Come on Harry! You can do it! Beat that bastard Pure-blood Malfoy!" Lucius encouraged encouragingly.  
Harry recovered quickly and raised his wand, "Kickus Shincio Shindo-kuuun!" A gold jet of light streamed out of Harry's wAnd- not that wAnd- and hit Draco in the shin, who started cry. 

"Dishwash Zegerus!" 

"Poorus Ronus!" 

"Alohomora!" 

"Apparattio Arabio!" 

"Shirtus Removus!" 

"Whakarongo mai tangariki kowhai!" 

"Canadius Jake Moffattus!" 

"Lumos!" 

"Stripus Teasus!" 

"Dracous Malfoyus!" 

Draco was about to cast a scratching charm, but stopped. "You called me Draco, not Malfoy..." the two wizards looked deep into each others eyes for about 53 minutes.  
"I think I'm in love with you...." Harry realized.  
"Me too... I've never thought about anyone like this before. My fathers a Deatheater you know. My heart is made of ice and I think you've just melted it....." 

'I can't believe it, I've fallen for a Malfoy' Harry thought to himself.  
'I can't believe it, I've fallen for the boy who lived' Draco thought to himself at the exact same time, which caused a special bond charm which meant they would be together for eternity.  
"Its all in the book!" Terry showed them a strange book with drawings of Harry and Draco.  
"We're engineered!" Tom Malfoy was right, they WERE engineered.  
"Tess was right all along!" Dan Potter mind-warped.  
"You're so rad, Dan!" Tommie complemented his secret lover, because everyone knows that Tommie and Danny aren't really enemies- they love each other really! 

Meanwhile in Potions, Snape was being greasy as usual.  
"Oh no, we have Potions with Slytherin!" Hannah Abbott loaded her gun.  
There were no Sorting Hat quotes left to use. 

"There will be no foolish wAnd wavinginthisclass. For those select few," Snape turned his head sharply towards Draco who nearly died of fright- Snape was looking right at him! "Who possess the predisposition..." Snape trailed off and ran off with Rita Skeeter.  
Harry scowled as he had gotten paired with.... SUPRISE - Draco. Today the class was making a truth serum and they had to test it on their partners and ask them 3 questions each. Draco hoped that Harry wouldn't ask him who his secret crush was.  
"Here, cut these, Potter." Draco threw some truth branches at Pansy.  
"You can be a real stupid git sometimes MALFOY." Harry put a special emphasis on Draco's last name. It was forbidden to touch Royalty.  
"You'll see me next year in the Chamber of Secrets" Goyle looked at the crowd and whirled a clicker. 

"I hate you and your stupid scar POTTER!" Draco secretly thought Harry's scar was wheat. "Shut it Malfoy. At least my parents are dead and not Deatheaters!" Harry smirked and skulled his tequila.  
"What? My parents aren't Deatheaters...." Draco looked confused.  
"We'll catch up on ICQ..." The Share Clan computerized.  
"But your Dad was at the Voldie meeting when they chained me to the Riddle grave 3 years ago after the Triwizard Tournament! Didn't you know?" Harry laughed and pushed Draco into the mud. Draco looked as if he was about to cry.  
"But... no.... my father wouldn't lie to me.... he- he..." Draco burst into tears. Thanks Harry.  
"I wish I could be friends with someone that cool!" Ron looked on from afar and sighed.  
Millicent accidentally spilled a vial of No Lie Hair from the Truth Dog into Harry and Draco's cauldRON, making the potion extra truthy! 

Meanwhile, Seamus watched Gundam Wing with his Deathscythe toy.  
"Hey keeds! Letsssbutonashow!"   
"Omigosh Duo just killed Relena!" The whole school cheered and threw up their hats- except for the Slytherin table. Draco looked as if he were about to cry.  
The Sorting Hat sung its song, and sorted the new first years into the various houses. Gryffindor got the worst turnout, only getting 8 new students. Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw got one new student each and Slytherin was the winner of the day with a whopping 79 new students! 

"Looks like we'll have to sleep on the floor!" William Creevy said to his brother Adam Creevy- the new twins on the block.  
"Is this yours?" Draco picked up Goyle's plate and pocketed it for later, concealing it within his robes. 

Meanwhile at Dawson's Creek....  
"Thanks to the Camdens for taking me in and loving me like I was one of their own.... my mother was a prostitute and a drug addict and my father ran away to join the Deatheaters. So, thanks a lot Salazar for giving me a good home and great family." Roger Davies, a handsome 6th year Ravenclaw, prayed.  
"Me and Draco, well... we're a couple..." Harry nervously introduced his boyfriend.  
"A couple?!" Hagrid's beard twitched, enraged. 

Harry was growing up and he had just began to notice girls.  
"What? What's going on here?!" Fred and George were having sex while Ron watched from the doorway with his shifty eyes.  
"Ron! Ron................ come and join usssssss... join us....." One of the twins invited.  
"You have to invite me in!" Ron said, hovering by the door. That's right, Ron was a vampire and he had to be invited in.  
Hagrid's beetle eyes crawled out of his sockets. 

"Everyone should have finished brewing their truth serums by now. Everyone- drink up! No Harry, not Smirnoff- the Truth Serum. That's right, gulp it down....." Snape snarled.  
"Ok I guess I'll go first..." Harry gulped down the bitter tasting Truth Potion Mix.  
'Yesss... I can ask Harry 3 things and he has to answer truthfully.... now what should I ask him?' Draco pulled out the list of questions to ask Harry that he had written on stolen paper. 

"Question one! Have you ever.............. stolen... anything?" Draco pocketed a quill from the desk behind him.  
"Well.... I've stolen Ron's heart- ever since I first met him on the train 5 years ago...." 

~~~~FLASHBACK~~~~  
"Is it.... dead?" Hermione nudged the troll which was lying on the ground.  
"Just knocked out." Harry, an expert on Trolls and brain damage, explained.  
~~~END FLASHBACK~~~ 

"Okay. Question 2. Have you ever gotten to 3rd base?" Draco blushed- well, the tips of his ears went slightly pink.  
"Well this one time with Ron..." Harry began.  
"Oh thank heaven for 9-11!" Hannah Hufflepuff bought some Dr Pepper from Star Mart.  
"And lastly, Question 3. Will you go to the Yule Ball with me?" Draco looked down at Harry (because Harry was malnourished he hadn't grown at all) with his biiig blue eyes. How could Harry resist?!  
"Actually... I'm going with Ginny.... haha fooled ya! Of course I will my sweet Dragonling- you and me are meant to be! Now and forever!" Harry's truth spell wore off because the 3 questions had been answered. Now it was Draco's turn! 

Draco had already stolen Millicent's AND Georges serum and had drunk them quickly.  
"So Draco... what did you eat for breakfast?" Harry mouthed.  
"Soggy bacon and snake blood with green Slytherin toast." Draco hand-signaled.  
"Um... what did you get for Christmas last year?" Harry pashed- I mean, snogged.  
"A Dark Mark from Voldie, some Evil spells from Father, a quilt from Mother and some pocket lint from Neville." Draco lisped.  
"Who's your secret crush?" Harry asked the question that should not be asked!  
"No, not that! Ask me anything but that!" But Draco had to answer because of that Extra truth hair that had been secretly put in from the No Lie dog...... "Its... you, Harry. It always has been, it always will be. You're my past, my present and hopefully my future. Will you marry me?" Draco proposed a proposal. "Someone from Hufflepuff better defeat Voldemort this year so we can win the house cup! That would put us in the lead for sure!" Michael Corner wanted his team to win, and badly. Hannah Abott defeated Voldemort and Gryffindor won because they got 100000 points just for having Harry in their house! Woo! 

At the end of the day, Draco walked up to his room and tipped up his robes and everything spilled out onto his bed. "Not bad. Not bad at all. Me father would be proud." Watching from a globe ball, his Father WAS proud. 

  
**A.N:** That's right, the authors of PTB have finally seen the Chamber of Secrets so expect a whole lot of new crap we mock from the movie! Wahoo! Lucius is damn fine...... 


	29. Chapter Twenty Seven: The Last Chapter f...

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Fred and Harry are going steady. What they don't know, is that Draco is jealous and he'll do anything to break them apart.  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Twenty Seven: The Last Chapter from Book 7**

_ Lifestyles of the rich and the famous  
They're always complaining  
Always complaining  
- Ron Weasley, "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" _

~ 

Harry asked Chow to the ball. She said no, because Harry hadn't asked her properly because his experience with girls was very little because Dudley beat up all his friends.  
Meanwhile Harry was in his bedroom drawing death pictures of Vernon.   
No more Harry.  
Harry no more.  
More Harry no. 

"He doesn't even insult Ron anymore. I think he's sick" Prongs whispered to Pads as Justin Finch-Fletcherly walked past.  
"OH Pads! Let us never be apart ever again!" Wormtail wormed his way into Ron's pocket.  
"Has anyone seen my priest suit?" Duo came in naked because someone had stolen his priest suit.  
Draco looked around nervously.  
"Oh I hadn't noticed... heh" Draco said while patting a priest suit shape under his robes. 

Later that evening...  
"I'm going to gain custody of Harry." Sirrie and Remmie, with the help of Vernie were going to gain custody of Harry.  
"Did you see last nights lottery numbers?" Ron asked Hermione as they walked to the Gryffindor Common room hand in hand.  
"Aw!" Zeamus peeked underneath Hagrid's secret bucket.  
"Haha Chow, Cedric's dead! Or should I say.... DEADric!" An evil Slytherin did what Slytherin's did best. Chow looked like she was about to chunder!  
"Looks like he's going to chunder!" Hagrid watched Harry on his broomstick from afar.  
"Oh gods! Gods oh gods oh gods! Gods! Oh oh OH gods! Gods oh! Oh oh OH OH GODS GODS! Oh gods! Gods oh gods oh gods! Gods! Oh oh OH gods! Gods oh! Oh oh OH OH GODS GODS! Oh gods! Gods oh gods oh gods! Gods! Oh oh OH gods! Gods oh! Oh oh OH OH GODS GODS! Oh gods! Gods oh gods oh gods! Gods! Oh oh OH gods! Gods oh! Oh oh OH OH GODS GODS!" Nagini almost had a fit. An 'oh gods' fit that is! 

Meanwhile in the Weasley Ghetto, Harry was having a little fun of his own.  
Ron kissed Harry's neck. "I'll be upstairs."  
"Call me a mudblood Tommie!" A crabbe TF.com MBer screamed in poor Tommie's face.  
"What do you want, Hagrid, you hairy piece of shit?" Harry greeted the Gamekeeper.  
"Voldemort always rapes me!" Draco often gets raped by his fathers Dark Lord Master because that's what Deatheaters have to do.  
"Don't forget to vote in the Couple of the Year Awards which will be held in Dungeon 6 tonite!" Minerva used her magical megaphone to project the message all over the school. This sent all the couples nominated into a huge panic.... 

"Vote for R/Hr! Vote for R/Hr!" Hermione was passing out cupcakes that had been baked the night before by Winky the house elf. "Ron! Stop eating all the icing!" Hermione smiled at her long time boyfriend. 

"Mudbloods and muggle lovers suck! Vote for H/D!" Draco passed out dodgy photos of him and Harry that Colin Creevster had secretly snapped.  
"I defeated Voldemort 6 times! Vote for H/D and I might defeat him again!" Harry was making Mochaccinos for everyone. 

"Gather round fellas! Seamus has a show for yall..... The Seamus Show! Contains strong language, nudity and fantasy scenes.... come one come all! Vote for Seamus/Everyone!" Seamus was wearing some sort of carnival getup as he beckoned the punters into his show with a whip.  
"Is this yours?" Dray picked up Hedwig as he asked Harry.  
"I've never seen that bird in me life!" Harry guffawed as Draco slipped the bird cage into his robes.  
"Neville, stop playing around! The award ceremony is about to begin!" Goyle ate Longbottom. 

"And now is the moment we've all been waiting for!" Armando Dippet hushed the local Wizarding boy band, Enmasse, as he strutted his stuff in a red sequined dress. "The winner of the couple of the year award.......................................... will be presented by your favorite Half-Giant and mine, Warwick Davis! Star of Star Wars and Willow."  
"Owoaror! See here! Miss Grangers done it! And the nominees are...... Ron/Hermione, Harry/Draco, Seamus/Everyone, George/Dumbledore and Grindleward/Dean T." Everyone applauded very loudly at the mention of the last couple. They were sure to win!  
"Oh Marge is ill..." Olsen Twin #1 sung.  
"Drum roll please........ HARRY AND DRACO!!!" Flitwick fell off his stool.  
Hermione's eyes filled with tears and Ron put his arm around her. "Don't worry 'Mione. There's always next year." 

"Owoaror! While you're up here Mr Potter, you can take the award for Class Hero, Class Clown, Best African-American, Most loved Red head, Class Protector, Class Wizard..." Flitwick piled the various shaped trophies into Harry's arms. Draco just watched and laughed. "...Best Voldemort Supporter, Class Hunk, Teacherz Pet, Junior Clubman of the Year Award...." Alun shook his fists angrily, "...Quidditch Player of the Year, Playa of the Year..." Seamus shook his fists angrily, "And finally The Largest Red-headed Family Award! Come on, give it up for Harry! Our Hero Hiro heeeeero..." Flitwick finished speaking just as Harry fell off the stage and landed in amongst his winnings. Draco fished him out and they went backstage as everyone cheered and threw up their hats except for the Slytherin table. 

Ron clenched his fists under the table. "That's it- I'm joining Voldemort."  
The trophy must have been a port key because Harry suddenly found himself chained to Riddle's grave- Voldemort was there and he was doing a roll call of all the Deatheaters present. "Black. Lupin. Weasley. Potter. Dursley. Chang. Malfoy. Weasley. Crabbe. Nott. Finch-Fletcherly. Diggle. Diggory. Granger. Weasley. Potter. Dumbledore. Hagrid. Weasley. Potter. Phelps. Diesel. Filch. Boot. Pomfrey. Flitwick. Binns. Weasley. Dippet. McGonagall. Gryffindor. Grindleward. Has anyone seen Weasley?"  
"Sorry I'm late Voldemort Master Sir...." The one named 'Weasley' pulled off his hood.  
"Ron?!" Harry gasped.  
"That's right. I was jealous of your fame and money so I decided to become a Deatheater." Ron Hanniballed. Harry tried free himself but the chains were tied tightly and he was getting an allergic reaction on his chest from the steel.  
"But Ron you're my sweet weasling!" Harry got sucked into the diary and it was too late to save Aragog. 

The Gryffindor clan made it to the Great Hall just in time for mail time!  
"Oh look! The new Columbus-Weasley Family Newsletter is out! There's an article in here about Percy joining the dark side!" A random Sweet Valley High student cried.  
"Wow a free CD-ROM! With exclusive XxX Twincest and Susan Bones boning a bone to bone!" The boy who saved the boy who lived said.  
"Hey guys, look at this! Its the new Nimbus 2000!" Terry Boot booted.  
"Wow there's some new pictures of the Weasley Mansion!" Padma or Parvati petaled.  
"It says here that Arthur recently made a surprise purchase for his son..." Adrian Pucey read aloud to the class, "He bought his sons favorite Quidditch Team- The Chudley Cannons and presented them to him on his birthday! 'I just wanted to do something nice for George. They've been his favorite team ever since he was a youngin. His entire room is decorated in the team colors.' George couldn't be happier and says he loves his family very much, especially his twin."  
Ron was foaming at the mouth. "THE CHUDLEY CANONS ARE MY FAVOURITE TEAM!"  
"Calm yersel'!" Hagrid came in just in time to carry Ron away, tucking him safely under his arm. 

Harry followed Draco down to the Malfoy Manor Wine Cellar.  
"I bet my wand is bigger than yours." Harry gambled, taking a swig of vodka.  
"I bet its not. Mines well over 10 inches." Draco pocketed some wine for later.  
"You're exaggerating. I've seen it and it doesn't even look like 7." Harry bluffed.  
"Lets see then." Draco dared Harry to show him his wand.  
"Go Sirrie! Go Sirrie! Go go go go!" The Gryffindor Cheerleaders cheered.  
"Ha! Yours is only 8 inches." Draco scoffed at Harry's tiny wand.  
"Yerrrrr I bet you can't guess how BIG my wAnd is?" Hagrid shuffled over.  
"An Animagi," Sirrie paused dramatically, "By the name of Peter Pettigrew."  
Harry looked from Lucius to Draco. They were both so wheat he didn't know who to choose! 'Which Malfoy should I choose?' Potter thought to himself as Lucius abused his son with his snake stick. Harry was glad that Narcissa wasn't there because that would make things even more complicated. 

Did Sirius mean what he thought he meant?  
"...and this is the new single from Lil' Dean called 'Hogwatzz'. You're listening to KTLA's top 47." The radio announcer announced over the speaker system.  
"I never hated you Harry. I always wanted to be your friend. I was just jealous..." A new exchange student at Hog High mumbled.  
"Your scar is legend...." Hermione vanished through a plot hole. 

Harry set off towards the station exit, Hedwig rattling along in front of him for what looked like a much better summer than the last. Aw. 

  
**A.N:** Wow wasn't Lil' Deans new single the shizznit? And how about that Final Chamber scene? Will Sirius ever be able to change back from his Padfoot self after Snape put a spell on him? When will Gravitation 13 finish downloading? Why is Harry such a weiner? And how did Ron suddenly get wheat in CoS? Wow! Don't forget to review kiddies........... o_O 


	30. Chapter Twenty Eight: I Really Did, I Re...

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts,   
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Twenty Eight: I Really Did, I Really Do**

_ I'm a little teapot short and stout  
Here is my handle  
Here is my spout  
When I get all steamed up, hear me shout  
Just tip me over and pour me out  
- The Weird Sisters, "I'm a Little Teapot" _

~ 

Harry walked up to his boyfriend and hugged him from behind.  
"What the hell? You're not Draco! I can't feel your bones through your robes....." Harry screamed, startled at feeling muscle tissue which normally is not found on his pale lovahs body.  
"I'm Blaco. Draco Malfoy's Cousin." Blaco turned around and extended his hand towards Harry.  
"I think I can choose the Ron sort for myself thanks." Harry refused Blaco's hand.  
"There you are Harry! I've been looking all over for you- ah, I see you've met my cousin Blaco." Draco ran up to the two, who were glaring at each other.  
"Come on Draco. Lets leave." Harry glared at Blaco his arch nemesis, as him and Draco skipped off to Defence Against the Dark Arts. 

Meanwhile, at the Burrow, Ron's parents couldn't stop having sex.  
"Oh my! He didn't take his potion tonite! He's not safe!" Crabbe- Crabbe Snr that is - gnarled.  
"Lush Lucius!" Seamus squealed at Lucius's ribbon.  
"I just thought of you Harry and it got me through the bad times in Azkaban, or Wizz Prizz as its known on the inside." Sirius Black whitened. 

Seamus's goblet had eyes and Goyle's had walked out of the class. Harry's still had a tail and Ron's goblet looked more like a handbag. Hermione's of course, had been perfectly transfigured. 

Ron decided to write Draco a poem in Creative Writing Class.  
"You insult my family, Call them poor, Call them dirty, Call them foolish...." Ron read aloud as he scribbled on a piece of parchment with his quill.  
"My parents are Dentists! They could help you out Marcus..." Hagrid's chest swelled.  
"What does your Dad do?" That red haired baron blended.  
"My father works at Gringotts. He's Goblin #53!" Peeves peeved someone off.  
"My parents are Milkmen!" Colin Creevy snapped.  
"I don't have any parents..." The Famous Harry Evans sighed as Blaco laughed.  
"My Mother is Headmaster at Durmstrang!" Potters pal stated proudly.  
"My dad is Voldemort." William Creevy videotaped.  
"My brother CHARLIE in ROMAINIA..." A poor sod who was covered in dirt and flies, bragged.  
"Um.... we're talking about our PARENTS Ron." Crookshanks mewed.  
"I'm the secret lovechild of Percy and Lavender!" Headmaster Dippet winked.  
"Haha your parents are Deatheaters and mine are Aurors!" Harry mocked Blaco. 

"So do you think there really is a Chamber of Secrets?" Ron asked, brushing his hair.  
"Yes. McGonagall's worried. So is Snape and Binns and Lockhart and Dumbledore and Pomfrey and Hooch and Treelawny. As well as Sprout and Flitwick. And Filch and Hagrid are worried too. All the teachers are." Hermione had her nose in a book which hid her enormous buck teeth. Her parents were dentists.  
"My father was a Potter and I would never change my name!" Harry screamed.  
Harry decided that he would take Draco's last name, upon their marriage. Draco would never give up the Malfoy name.  
"Harry Malfoy... I like the sound of that!" For god sakes Harry make up your mind!  
"Rubber duckies...." The clean twin Fred decided to wash his dirty brother George.  
"Do... you... know... anything... about... the... Philosophers... stone...?" Scar head decided to randomly write in a diary. Kewl. 

"You know how I used to be called Dean T? Well, I've decided to call myself Lil' Dean" Dean Thomas- I mean, Lil' Dean rapped. He was now a famous rapper.  
"I shouldn't 'ave said that... I should not 'ave said tha'... I shouldn't 'ave said that... I should not 'ave said tha'... I shouldn't 'ave said that... I should not 'ave said tha'... " Hagrid grunted. He had let slip where he grew his weed!  
"The Men of Slytherin 2003 Calender is out!" Neville opened his glossy calender to January, where there was a picture of Draco sprawled out on the Slytherin Common Room leather couch.  
"My father didn't strut! And neither do I!" Harry apparently knew whether or not his father strutted when he was at school, even though Harry wasn't even invented yet. 

"We're not really enemies, we love each other really." A hot boy in Slytherin Quidditch robes stood over another hot boy who was getting his gear strapped on.  
"Yes." Dan was so rad!  
"Yes..." Tom drawled.  
"I have these polaroids of Tom-" Dan began cheekily.  
"Shut up!" Tom tried to cut him off.  
"And his-" Dan tried to continue.  
"Shut up NOW!" Tom didn't want everyone to know that Dan had naked Tommie polaroids.  
"Uhh.... hair.... is, err- sticking up... yeah, his hair......." Dan was such an awful liar. 

"Swallow before you speak!" Tommie's voice coach reminded him.  
"Blaise are you a boy or a girl?" Seamus didn't care which Blaise was.  
"Well, I'm a-" But before Blaise could answer, s/he was suddenly killed by a Ravenclaw balloon that had already been popped.  
"Now we will never know what sex Blaise was..." C. Warrington shook his head sadly and watched the body being carried away by some Hobgoblins.  
"Leave him aLONE!" Ginny genuine. 

"Oh no! We have Fisherman Studies with Tom Felton!" Bole beated.  
"Bee in your bonnet, eh, Potter?" The sorting hat sort of sorted sortingly of the sort.  
"I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I.... I was wondering, I-I-If you put me in the r-r-r-r-r-right house..." Tommie thought Dan could use some lessons from his private voice coach, so he slipped him his card when Dan wasn't looking.  
"I put you in the house that I said, and I'm always right you little shit." The class trundled their way through the dank and smelly docks and pulled in the anchors at Dock 8743. 

"I heard his favorite movie's the Perfect Storm....." Hermione whispered to Sussan, while looking at her Fisherman's guide to Fishing.  
"Whatup world!" Tommie strode in, wearing a black rain slicker with matching hat and gumboots and hook. His face was unshaven and was gristly with squid tentacles, and he had his trusty ugly stick in his back pocket as he puffed away on a pipe.  
"Aye, tonite we'll be watching a tale of fishing greatness- a tale of love and war on the sea. I give you......... The Perfect Storm! Starring Mark Whalberg, George Clooney and Tom Cruise- in a wheelchair!" Fisherman Felton gestured with his hook.  
"Fisherman Felton, Sir, why did you become a fisherman?" Justin Filch-Fletcherly, Flich's stepson, asked.  
"Aye, well I thought that being an old, poor, smelly fisherman was much more rewarding than being a hot, young, rich, talented actor. Don't you agree?" The class was too busy to respond because they were all holding their noses from the stench coming from Tommie.   
Neville even vomited in the bait tank! "Aye, the fishes like that chunder, they do!"  
"George (no no no, not THAT George), nooo!!!" Marky mark drowned. All the fishermen did.  
"Looks like Shooter McGavin predicted the right weather this time!" Everyone chortled at Dudley's cool logic. 

"The last time the Chamber was opened.... a Fisherman drowned!" Tommie swallowed a few buckets of saliva, as the class gasped in unison. "Aye! Looks like Blaco's caught 'imsel' a big'un! Reel 'em in!" Blaco did as he was instructed- Tommie wasn't the Fisherman Studies teacher for nothing!- and reeled his catch in, which suddenly jumped out of the water and hit Tommie's glass aye, then rebounded and hit his other glass eye and they both rolled onto a Flounder nearby, which promptly ate them both.  
"What has Blaco caught, Fisherman Felton?" Dementor #72 kissed.  
"Aye... it looks like an old boot- no no wait... aye its a tyre! Aye... its a toilet seat! Well done Fred!" Tommie slapped Fred on the back for doing such a great job and let Fred hold his Lucky Bait Bucket while he filled it with Neville's chunder.  
"Gods, its always Fred!" George (Weasley- not Clooney!) scowled in a damp corner with Harry, who was sculling some Wizz-Alcohol and Draco, who was going through everyone's bags for items of value.  
"But how am I to pay for all this? I haven't any money." Ron Wea$ley sighed. He had never owned a knut in his life!  
"Voldemort's coming over for dinner, you'd better leave." Arthur Weasley baled Stuart out of Christian.  
"What's on the menu?" Harry inquired, as he left the manor.  
"Muggles." 

The End. 

  
**A.N:** Will Tommie's father pass down the Felton Fisheries Inc. family business to his youngest son? Will the choir welcome him back with open arms and what will they sing about now? When will the TF.com Message Boards be back up? And how will Collin take his photos with the recent closure of Fuji-Wizz Photos? Find in out in the next installment of Pump. The. Breaks... Review! Review! Review! 


	31. Chapter Twenty Nine: A Deep Fried Korean...

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Neville gets locked inside a rubbish bin and thrown down the river! what will be everyone's surprise when they find the bin and open it 345 years later!  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Twenty Nine: A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving**

_ Kamati kamati  
Ko-ahe ko-ahe  
Kamati kamati  
ko-ahe ko-ahe  
Eh o-ahe  
Wharunga mai  
O-ahe o-ahe  
Eh eh hu whiri whuwhiri  
HEI!  
- Quinton Hita (pronounced heater), "Haka song" _

~ 

Scabbers followed Harry down the stairs.  
Harry turned around to a strange sight- Scabbers was standing behind him holding a knife and had his arm raised - but quickly dropped it and scampered away.  
"Strange. I've never seen a rat act like that before..." Harry pondered.  
"I don't like rats..." Ron $108 said.  
"You know that magic feeling you get when you and your wizard friends are playing Harry Potter? Feel the power of the brick!" A demented plastic lego Draco snarled before Seamus could eat him up.

In the background behind Harry, a crappy drawing of an owl was pinned up- it looked like it said 'By Ron'.  
"Wow! Thanks for the drawing Byron!" Harry thanked Byron, a new 6th Year Grindlemort.  
"..." Ron fumed in the corner. The picture was really from the Weasel himsel'! But Harry wouldn't listen to him and was busy buying clothes for Byron to thank him.  
"That painting took me years to do! I used muggle crayons and everything!"  
"Yeah right Ron. You could never shade an owl wing like Byron could ever! Never!" Harry put his arm around Byron - his new best friend - and walked off. Draco and Ron glared at Harry with the power of a thousand Basilisks.  
"Hullo Alun... ChulALUNkorn...." Francisco Muniz the 4th greeted the twins' friend, Alun.

Meanwhile, on the way to Santa Training two blonde nemisises bumped into each other...  
"So Blaco.... we meet again."  
"Yes cousin Draco, I'm back for good this time."  
"Are Natalie and Lewis with you?"  
"Yes, Mother and Father are with me- can't you see? They're right next to me you idiot!"  
"Oh. Um... yeah."  
"So. How's your boyfriend? You too make a real hot couple."  
"I left him. I'm dating Chow Chang now."  
"I see. The bell just rung. We'd better go to class."  
"I guess. See ya Cuzzie bro"  
They did a secret cousin handshake and ran off in opposite directions.

"Harry Potter is 13 now, so there will be a lot of Teenage angst. He'll be going out with girls, and he'll be looking at Draco a lot more." Alfonsooo won't ruin the magic.  
The Boy who Lived was trying to concentrate on the Safe Sex Lecture from Hagrid.  
"His name is Piko Piko and he's a Samoan." Seamus introduced his shiny shiny boyfriend.  
"Alrigh' I'm goner get yeh ter pair up to prac'ice the yerrrr methods of safe sex that I've just demonstra'ed. I'll be sittin' in this corner watchin' over yeh, bidin' meh time...... yer." Hagrid shuffled off into the corner and slipped out of sight.  
"What kind of ridiculous class is this?" Blaco drawled.  
"Yeah Malfoy! Yeah! Beyblade!" Harry pulled out his new Bey Super Spin 3000x4 X006.  
"Potter?!" Blaco scoffed. "You're no match for my pureblood ass beatch!"  
"Look guys- you don't need to fight... we're all friends here..." Draco tried to keep the peace between his lovah and his cousin, but got distracted buy some valuable objects that were unguarded.  
"Malfoy's are supposed to stick together and kill all those who oppose our true lord Voldemort!" Blaco raised his wand and was just about to blow Harry into smithereens-  
"Oh Blaco sonny!" Lewis popped in, wearing an 'I love Muggles' t-shirt and cargo shorts with safari jandals. "You forgot your underwear this morning!" Lewis chortled. Blaco didn't blush, but a faint rosy tinge crept up his neck.  
"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!" Blaco whined, embarrassed.  
"Hi I'm Sirrie- welcome to Dinotopia!" Jude Law got the part as Sirius Black in the new Harry Potter movie called 'Sirrie and Remmie: Wolf and Dog Unite!'.

"Haha shame Lifehouse- we won Best New Act! Ha! I don't see you winning any awards! Bet you wish you were still in my band Sean Wollensthume!" Alex Band giggled manically and accepted his award with Aaron Kamin.  
"And the winner of the Best Band in the Universe goes to..... Lifehouse!!" Daniel Alan Radcliffe screamed. Lifehouse were the best! In the Universe!  
The lead singer guy and his original band members walked up to accept the award, with Sean Wollensthume tagging along, as well as former Calling members Nate, Dino and Billy.  
Alex Band started to cry.  
Aaron Kamin stood up and went to join his new band- Lifehouse. "Sorry Alex."  
Alex Band cried some more.  
"I'd like to thank my new girlfriend- she dumped Alex Band for me! Yeah! Woo!" Duncan from Lifehouse did the 'rawk' sign and collected the huge trophy.  
The nine members of Lifehouse partied hard into the nite as Alex watched forlornly from a window.  
"Sorry Alex, we already have a lead singer." Sean Woollensthumes Brother from the original Lifehouse, rejected.  
"I don't want to join you anyway! I'm going to make a band all on my own!!!!" Al ran off into the night crying as Duncan chased after him chanting, 'JOIN US O_O' as he waved his Lifehouse stick and polished his trophy.

"Harry- you've got something on your jersey," Draco picked the piece of lint off Harry.  
"Thanks Draco. What would I do without you-" But Harry was interrupted by several Police-Wizz Officers bursting in.  
"Draco, I think you have a problem. A stealing problem." Russell barked.  
"What? But I- I never-" Draco defended himself.  
"We've been watching you for a while now. You crossed the line when you stole that lint and we decided it was time for us to intervene." Constable Barry waved his riot stick.   
"Russell?" Police-Wizz #56231 called to the faithful law enforcer. "Put this man where he belongs........................................ in rehab."

DUN DUN

Meanwhile on E! News Live...  
"Please complete the following: Wizards who duel together..."  
"...Make sweet love together," Dan responded faster than a Nimbus 2001.

Previously, an Irish sandy-haired boi was flipping through the TV channels on his new Wizz-o-vision Tele-Lens Magic5000 when he caught a glimpse of a twin on BBC...  
"I'm a bumble bee, Bumble is my name - How do ya do? Buzz along with me, you can play too..... aWEREEEEEEE" Papa Bumble buzzed out.  
"And as you can see, Fred is digging the final dig..." Mr. BBC reported, "...Its the new project for the J.O.P this year, and they have added 3 trees to the forests of the world..."  
"I'll come over to your dorm later," Harry said to a Hufflepuff - *gasp* Interhouse dating!   
"Did you guys catch J.O.P planting trees on the BBC?" Mama Minnie mined to Alun. He wasn't allowed to play with the twins today...

  
**A.N:** Will Sean Wollensthume ever find the culprit who cut off all his hair? And how is Draco going to tell Harry he ran over Binka and Nugget? Will Gohan be able to reach Super Saiyan 8 before Piccolo transfers into the great clenching Krillenster? Find in out in the next installment of Pump. The. Breaks... Review! Review! Review! 


	32. Chapter Thirty: Haunted Leg

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, After realizing they have mutant powers, Harry changes his name to Cyclops, Neville changes to Wolverine and Draco to Nightcrawler. How will they live in a world where the don't belong?!  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Thirty: Haunted Leg**

_ (Part of the Pump the Breaks Unplugged series)  
_

And the world keeps spinning round  
My world's upside down and I wouldn't change a thing  
I've got nothing else to lose  
I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn't change thing  
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing  
- Lifehouse, "Spin" 

~ 

"We don't watch Angel in THIS house!" Unkle Vernon spat while he snarled.  
Draco was too busy braiding his hair to notice that Blaco was fooling Harry at this very moment.  
Lets go to that moment... 

"Come on Harry, just put on the Chewbacca sash. It turns me on, really." Blaco had pulled out his whip and shackles (thanks to Seamus).  
"Draco, this isn't like you. What's gotten into you? Where's the Draco and know and love and smuggle with under the moonlight at night. Show me that Draco! Show me him now!" Harry clenched his fists angrily, which was quite hard because the Gem of Amara *LOOK UP* was tied around his wrists.  
"No escaping me now Harry!" Blaco's eyes flashed a Slytherin green.  
"Take my virginity Hagrid! Take it now!" Harry screamed passionately.  
"No one calls ME Bill" Billy Idol, or Spike from the 1970s idolized.  
Blaco thought his movie would be an Oscar winner for sure.  
"Keep your hands to yourself" Alex Band hoe downed while Seamus ran his pudgy sandy-haired finger through his teeth.  
"Welcome to my country." Dan pretended to understand the Chuliloonkurn boy who was praising Allah.  
"Hogger!" Dan tried to rip the Playstation console from Tom's sweaty grasp.  
Stephen Spielberg was about to direct Seamus to come in and crack his green magical Irish whip when a certain muggle lovah popped his head out from under the bed, "Oh Blaco sonny!" Lewis interrupted that special moment.  
"Leeeeeeeeeeeewis..." Blaco whined.  
"No no Blaco, what have I told you? Call me by my real name." Lewis tsk-tsked.  
"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaad..." The tips of Blaco's ears went a slight tinge of pink.  
Harry took a swig of his bullshot and slipped out for the rest of the day to an unknown land.  
"If it wasn't for this darn scar." Harry punched the air lightly sideways in a cradle-rocking motion once while he said the word 'scar'.  
"That's not true Harry, you know its not." Draco sorrow personified (A.N: that goes out to SP!)  
"Yes it is Draco. All me life people just see the scar, they never see the real me. They never see Harry the Boy who Lived." Harry sniffled.  
"I know you're not Harry, I know you're not just a scar. You're more than that to me!" Draco touched his scar lightly.  
"But you're the only one who does Draco..."  
"Isn't that enough?" Harry shivered at Draco's cold Slytherin touch.  
"Its never enough for you Harry. Never!" Draco screamed as Voldemort flew through him.  
"LOTR rox Gandalf's socks!" Dumbledore floated around Hogwarts wheezing.  
"WOAH! Tongue in my ear!" Ted Casablanca screamed Orlando as LOTR newcomer nuzzled in my ear.  
Tom Riddle decided to take off his clothes.  
"Tom Riddle! What are you doing? Give me back my wand!" Collin Creevy snapped away.  
Ron collected Snape's grease from his hair and put it into bottles for later. "I've got about 500 mesel'!" Ron bragged to no one in particular.  
"Hey, biga-news!" Dumble choked on his own beard hair. "Haley Joel Osment got stabbed in one of the Hogwarts bathrooms by a gang of Italian bullies while trying to save the 'Real Kids, Real Adventures' boy." Everyone clapped and cheered and threw up their hats and Lee Jordan didn't jump up and down like a vibrating cellphone because that wasn't in the CoS movie. Ron adopted a little boy from Ethiopia for just a dollar a day.  
"But Ron, how are you to pay for this? You haven't any money!"   
Ron mumbled something about ACC payments. 

"Dumbledore must know you're here Harry, doesn't miss a trick, that man." Hermione stole Arthur Weasley's line.  
"Fear us for we are the Feared Foursome!" Quinton whakarongomaied.  
"Let you in, can't let you in."  
"Or have a foursome with us..." Seamus winked, undressing Alex Band with his Irish eyes. Alex whimpered and tried to cover himself with his hands but then gave up and ran away. 

Fred went to touch George's hand but he found himself touching the table through his twins hand. "G-George?"  
"I might as well tell you Fred. I'm an Illusion." Fred gasped. "I was created one stormy eve a few days after you were born. Without me, you would have died."  
"A-an illusion?"  
"Yes Fred, that's right. I'm not real. And now that you know my illusion box can get turned off and you'll me free to live your life in truth, not lies. It was nice fooling you!" And with that George faded away leaving Fred broken, crying and alone at the kitchen table. 

Draco quickly stuffed a giant Pikachu toy underneath his robes and walked away whistling to himself.  
"Why don't you come with me little girl, on a magic carpet ride?" Bart... emus wrinkled.  
"Don't you understand? Lifehouse is for life! O_o" Duncan mind-warped.  
"COs we've been here before!" Eli-eli gollumed as he swallowed. 

The class made their way over and under and through and around to Ancient Runes which they had with Slytherin.  
"Lets match the power of Tom Marvolo Riddle a.k.a Lord Voldemort, heir of Salazar Slytherin against the famous Harry James Potter, the boy who lived, heir of Godric Gryffindor, son of Lily and James Potter, friend of Ronald Weasley, godson of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, arch nemesis and secret lover of Draco Malfoy." Very wise words from a very wise man...  
"You liar! You lied to me!" Ru-ru spoke harshly to Volde.  
"I am getting so hot, I wanna take my clothes off." Ron stripped off his dirty rags in a fever-crazed frenzy.  
"Settle down class!" Finn, the Ancient Runes teacher settled. "Okay. Everyone listen. What can you hear?"  
"The dirt?" Everyone looked at Ron.  
"No." Finn finned finely.  
"The wind?" Linka, with the power of wind.  
"No." Finney-fin-finned.  
"History." Seamus lazed a lazy daze.  
"Right you are Mr Finnegan, right you are! The history of Hogwarts blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah..."  
The entire class fell asleep for several centuries until a prince came along and woke the kingdom from its eternal slumber.  
"Its Potter-bashing time!" Goyle, Crabbe and Malfoy smacked their fists into their hands. But before they could punch his lights out, green Avada Kedavra lazers shot out of Harry's forehead and destroyed his enemies in one bright zap. 

"Black white Porte Rican Chinese boys." George rapped in the battle between him and Eminem  
"Eminem?!" Tom Felton burst on suddenly, his eyes wide and twitching. "Did someone say my fave white-trash rappers name?" Dan put his arm around Tommie and carefully led him away from sharp objects. Tommie might harm himself or others while in his Eminem craze. 

It had been a long long day for Alex Bandinski. He had been booed off stage 3 times! The third time they had even thrown Dr Pepper cans and cheese slices! Then there was that incident with his girlfriend - now ex-girlfriend - going out with Dunny Lifehouse. The final straw was when he lost all his clothes at the airport, even the ones he was wearing! And now, he wanted nothing more than a long soak in his flash hotel-room bath. He flipped the bathroom switch and gasped.  
Then screamed.  
On the mirror were the words, 'JOIN US O_o' written in lipstick. The horrors didn't stop there. AB looked down and saw that all the bathroom tiles had been replaced with Lifehouse CD covers. Over his screams, the song 'Sick Cycle Carousel' could be heard. He looked in the mirror and saw Duncan Lifehouse behind him! But when Al turn back around, there was no one there!  
Alex was losing his mind! He would never give into those evil satan worshippers a.k.a Lifehouse. Suddenly Aaron Kamin appeared next to him. "Its okay Al," he comforted his friend.  
"Help me Aaron! I think I'm going crazy! Lifehouse they-" Alex cried.  
"Shh. I know." Aaron shushed.  
"You believe me?!" Poor Alex was a wibbling pile of mush.  
"Yes. And Lifehouse believe in you." Aaron sounded like a robot.  
"What? No!" Alex thought Lifehouse must have brainwashed him.  
"Yes Alex. We want you to join us so we can become the ultimate band and rule for all eternity." Kamin zoned out.  
"Aaron! I thought you were my friend!" Alex cried again.  
"Friendship is forever, but Lifehouse is for life." Kamin disappeared amongst the tiles and Alex was all alone with his thoughts - still naked. 

Some of the guys were going to get together later on tonight and play 'Who stole the Cookie from the Cookie Jar?' Others were going on to read 'Last of the Mohicans'. They all met up at Flich's hovel at precisely 12:25.  
"Okay Ernie, you start." The group chanted that Ernie stole the cookies while Draco stole a cookie from the cookie jar and smuggled over to his boyfriend, Harry.  
"What are you wearing Harry?" Neville sniped.  
"Well Nelly, tonight I'm wearing black fishnet sleeves, an Op:IVY tee shirt from Hot Topic, black leather pants (not shiny), a sliver studded belt, silver splashed Doc Martins, black eyeliner and black nail polish." He had thrown away his glasses as well and hadn't even gotten contacts so he was as blind as a bat, but still looked really hot. He also had Cyanide piercings, which was a labret, eyebrows and ears as well as a tattoo of a DNA strand and a small scar on his forehead.  
"Well Draco, what are you wearing?" Neville pulled on his white leather pants.  
"Well tonight Mathew I'm going to be - wearing... nothing. Nothing at all. Except for a cigarette and my coy smile." 

Previously in Hagrid's Hut, George and Quinton were educating Hagrid on some moves of their own.  
"No, you don't out it in here Hagrid, and you move it THIS way. That's it, you've got it!" Fred demonstrated for him.  
Sirrie, who looked a lot like Jude Law, and Remmie, who looked remarkably like Ewan McGregor, were both deciding whether or not to wear clothes today.  
"Sirrie, really there's no point in wearing clothes today."  
"But Harry's coming over."  
"Look, there's nothing Harry hasn't seen before."  
"But what will James think?"  
But it was too late...  
"UNKLES!" Harry said, wide-eyed and astonished.  
"Look Harry, we're not your fucking Uncles." Remmie ruined the wheat moment.  
"I'm your Godfather and Remmie's your fucking Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher!" Sirrie barked.  
Blaco was about to cast the Avada Kedavra spell on them all when a certain long-haired muggle-loving, safari-jandal wearing person came in. "Oh Blaco sonny!" 

  
**A.N:** Where will the Weasley's live now since their house boat got taken over by flesh eating human cicadas, And since Howie got kicked out of the Backstreets will Lifehouse take them in? Or is he too smoothe for them? And how is Lil Dean coping with the rivalry of Lil Theo? Find in out in the next installment of Pump. The. Breaks... Review! Review! Review! 


	33. Chapter Thirty One: Gohan's First Date

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Since the loss of Cerebro, Prof. Wheels hasn't been his usual self and the X fighters think it might have something to do with Multiple...   
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Thirty One: Gohan's first date**

_ (Part of the Pump the Breaks Unplugged series)  
_

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM,  
Every time you drop the bomb,  
You kill the god your child has born,  
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM  
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM  
- System Of A Down, "BOOM" 

~ 

Dear AL....

Romano roller-skated in wearing silver sparkly hot pants.  
"But..but...NO! It can't be! Harry couldn't believe that Crabbe and Goyle were beaters, ever! never! 

"Good morning Scabbers!" Seamus snarled sweetly at the molting rat who was in his pants; Ron couldn't afford a pet rat, so Seamus had 'palangi'-adopted Scabbers.  
It was the Maori way of adopting an Animagi...by the name of Peter Pettigrew.  
"Welcome to the whanau!"Quinton & Alun did a tiki-club dance, known to the indigenous ma-oris as 'Waiata'.  
Cripes! It was nearly time for breakfast, so everyone rushed to get dressed - except for Seamus who was snuggling with Ron. Oh and Al Band, because he had gotten lost on the way to bed the night before and still hadn't turned up. 

"Wow this liquid break sure looks better than that CrAzY chicken chop stuff!" Harry grabbed a vial of liquid bread, slipped a bit of vodka in and chew-drunk it down.  
"I tortured 5 muggles last night! Beware! The air! Is here! This year! Yeah! I care! Beware! Draco Muggle-Malfoy death eated.  
"I coughed up a baby ribcage! My son is your age! Alfie Enoch, the new Hufflepuff was shushed by Hermione. That sort of talk should be saved for the young Deatheaters meating...tonite! 

The class caught the nite bus to Afghanistan.  
"Binky has a nite-light!" Ratio disappeared into the nite.  
"All the Gryfs & Slyths eated their way to the Forbidden Laden Death Lair.  
Someone apparated into the middle of Hagrid's hut, realized he'd apparated in the ron place and disappeared, re-appearing in the Forbidden Laden Death Lair.  
The class gasped in unison at the hooded figure. An eerie chill slid cat-like over the lair, as a cold skeletal hand reached out......  
"Gidday class! Me names Piers. Piers Polkins and IM here to teach YOU more Dark Arts then you've ever known. Welcome to Young Deatheaters Anonymous." Everyron pulled on their KKK masks, which had been kindly supplied by Madame Malkine, your 1 stop shop for everyday robe wear - open 73hrs a day.  
"Pull out your pocket Death-Eater guides and start reading from page 19. Be good - I'm going to leave you for awhile to catch a real live muggle for you all to torture."  
"But Professor Polkins-NO! It can't be!" Lil' Dean raped snipely.  
"Psssst puffapod" Harry whispered trying to get Draco's attention.  
He had folded a dart out of a spare piece of parchment and threw it and it hit Draco's eye.  
Draco glared at Harry with the power of a thousand basilisks but opened it anyway. 

_ My sweet Dragonling  
You are my light, my fire  
My one desire  
You are, you are, you are, you are  
I want you bad  
It's getting hawt in here  
So take off all of yo clothes...  
Meet me at Flitwick's hobbel @ 9:00pm _

Draco grinched to himself.  
"What you got their boy?" Voldemort said from across the room.  
Draco stuffed the note in his pocket but suddenly the note wasn't in his pocket anymore, and it was clutched in Voldie's white scaly hand.  
"Well well what do we have here, a note from Mister Potter to Master Malfoy"  
"No NO!" Harry knew  
Draco went as white as a moonbeam as Voldemort began to read the note aloud.. 

_ To my honey bunny,  
You are my master in disguise  
I like your broomstick   
I like it when you wear those silver hot pants   
you stole from Voldemort  
We should have a threesome   
and get Trevor to join in on the fun.  
I've got photos of Snape in fishnets  
and we can... _

"Ahem", Armando Dippet cleared the flem in his throat.  
Voldemore hated being interrupted and made a note to crucio him later.  
"Class I'd like you to meet a new student, he's from California and his name is Alex Band". Wittle Al wibbled behind the door.  
"Um, we meet him yesterday headmaster sir.  
The shock was too much for the Dippy old chap and he died crumbling on the floor. 

Every time a headmaster dies, a new one rises and gets called on. He would be here any minute.  
His name was Albus Dumbledore.  
Harry glared at Al as he took the empty CHAIR next to Draco.  
"Gimme yo lunch money!" Al looked like he was in for a bashing. A Potter bashing. "Give it here Alex, or I'll knock you off your broom!"  
"Is that so?" Draco stepped in, protecting the new kid. Harry punched his fist into his desk and did the fingers, making a note to kick Al when 'D' wasn't looking. Draco gave Al a spare book and opened it to page 19. Wittle Al pulled out a black suitcase which had his name, address and phone number on it - incase Al left it somewhere.  
"What the fuck is that?" Harry snatched the case from Alex's trembling fingers, Harry had grabbed it too quickly and the suitcase snapped open and all the contents spilled all over the class.  
"We don't use this shit in here!" Goyle stomped on one of Al's glitter crayons which had fallen out.  
Seamus was snapping all the colored pencils and Susan Bones was transfiguring the glitter into Lifehouse stickers - her fave band!  
"Those belonged to my father, Voldemort killed my parents!" Al's eyes welled up with tears. Harry shoved him into the floor just as Prof. Polkins came back with a muggle specimen.  
"Settle down! I've found a milkman we can practice our 'methods' on. Alex! clean up this mess NOW! 50 points from Slytherin!"  
Harry cackled as he hung Neville from a lantern  
"Don't worry Al, my FATHER is going to kill Potter tonight." Draco hugged his muggle-lovin Potter boyfriend and smiled at Al.  
"Dad?" But it was too late, Collin would never know if it was his milkman father or not.  
"I challenge you to a duel!" Blaco challenged Harry to a duel  
"No seconds" Harry replied 

The Z fighters made their way up to the great hall for desert.  
"Strange, I've never seen an Arabian owl act like that before" Lil' Dean put on his turban from Newtown shops and did a Taliban dance.  
Everyone in the great hall grew silent as the red envelope fell from the Arabians mouth as the Arabian died.  
"Weasley's gotta himself a howler" Seamus announced irishly.  
Laughs could be heard from the Slytherin table - especially Draco.  
Ron picked up the dirty red envelope - which had no return address on it.  
"You better open it quick, last time my Grandma sent me one"...Dumbledore trailed off not wanting to relive the painful memory of what happened 'last time'.  
Ron ripped it open, hoping it was money from his great unkle in Amsterdam.  
Suddenly everyone was chocking from the white powder that had come out of it.  
"A..A..Anthrax" Skids died as he breathed in a white clump of Anthrax. Harley wasn't sad cause he doesn't love Skids, Cyanide did and there meant to be forever! NEVER!  
"Hellllloo Guurrrlllsss" Harry strutted in doing his fikadu walk. All the girls swooned and fainted at his feet and all the guys cheered and clapped...or was it just the anthrax.. o_O. It was hard being the stud of Gryffindor. 

Harry went home to Remmie and Sirrie's hovel - they all live together you know.  
"Unkles I'm home" But there was no one home, so he went to the upstairs bathroom to check if his scar was still there. But it was too late.... "UNKLES NOOOOOOOOO!!!" Harry gasped  
"Harry it's not what it looks like, I was just teaching Remmie how to Animagi in the bath!"  
"But why aren't you wearing any clothes?" Harry couldn't help but stare, he'd never seen anything like that in his life!  
"Um..we..er..apperated here from the supermarket and forgot to apparate our clothes.  
"But why is Remmie chained to the sink and drinking coffee?" When he anamagi's he gets a bit violent.  
"And how do you explain the duck tape over Remmie's mouth?"  
"Umm.. don't worry, he likes it" Remmie tried to nod but the shower curtain was tied around his head.  
Harry never noticed how sexy Jude Law and Ewan McGregor were - naked!  
"Gods Sirrie you look like Draco" Harry whispered, touching himself. He was on his way to get his wizzcam but was pulled out by an unknown force - "HAAAGGRRIDD!"...  
He reached out his arm in slow motion and was sucked back out of the diary and back to Hogwarts. 

  
**A.N:** Will David Boreanax break the record and do more that 20 'crow' movies? We think so. How will Clay cope now that he's the new American Idol? And how many friends do Good Charlotte really have? Find in out in the next installment of Pump. The. Breaks... Review! Review! Review! 


	34. Chapter Thirty Two: Voldemort goes Swimm...

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Harry gets drunk at a high school party and wakes up in the morning next to Voldemort!  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Thirty Two: Voldemort Goes Swimming**

_ (Part of the Pump the Breaks Unplugged series)  
_

He was a skater boy  
She said see you later boy  
He wasn't good enough for her  
She had a pretty face  
But her head was up in space  
She needed to come back down to earth  
- Avril Lavigne, "Sk8ter Boi" 

~ 

It was a cold, stormy nite at number 3 Privet Drive and Seamus couldn't find anything to wear.  
"Have you SEEN Barry Watson's cancer hair?" McGonagall spat.  
For tonight was the Tri-Wizard Tournament! 

"Last night a wolf ran wild through my head..." Pads patted the lone wolf next to him.  
The entire school had just been woken up by Ron's stomach rumbling.  
"What? I haven't eaten since Harry bought me those sweets on the train 5 years ago......." Ron reminisced. Everyone glared at Harry because he had ignored the 'Don't feed the Animal' sign that was above Ron's head.  
"39 points to Seamus for having sex with Flint last night!" Snape greased his hair, as he sat next to Minerva at the Staff table for breakfast. Armando had gotten a new breakfast menu and the students were slightly confused by all the muggle terminology.  
"Coco-Pops? Isn't that a rude word or something?" Lil' Dean rapped for his new single.  
"Orange juice?! Ew! What kind of a person would use oranges to make a drink?" Zuzan boned bonily. Bone!  
"Toast... sounds crispy..." Mr Crisp, the Broom Care Professor, crisped crisply.  
Poor Draco was the most confused wizard of them all - his parents were Death Eaters you know - and he ordered porridge on toast, with bacon in orange juice. Hermione just rolled her eyes and ordered scrambled eggs and bacon. 

The Wizz-bell rang for class, and the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs made their way up to Introduction to Cooking 101.  
"Crikey! We have this class with Slytherin, don't we?" The Crocodile Hunter man got eaten by a wizz-crocodile.  
"Bloody hell! What class do we have then?" Hufflepuff #7813 asked its fellow Hufflepuffs, who mistakenly thought they had a class with Gryffindor.  
"Sit down! Sit down! Get out your textbooks and start wizz-reading from page 19, 'How to make Bran Muffins'." Romano, the Hot Quinton-Styled cooking teacher skipped out to make Spirulinas.  
"Did you know that the guy who played Barney died in the suit while they were filming?" Rupert Michael Grint knew all along he was dead even though he played along with the other kids who thought he was still alive.  
"And the kids didn't even notice!" Rob, Alun's friend, chimed in.  
But the rumor mill was suddenly stopped by Romano, who bounced back in with a wittle boy not too far behind.  
"Okay class, I'd like you all to meet a very special little boy and I hope you make him feel welcome," Al was clutching Romano's hand tightly. What if the other kids didn't like him?  
"Everyone, this is Alex Band. Look, there's a spare seat next to Draco." Wittle Al got bombarded by rotten fruit and bits of paper as he went to take his seat. But as he went to sit down, he found himself landing painfully on the floor and everyone laughed at him. Someone had pulled his seat away.  
"I'm Harry. Harry Potter," Harry introduced while doing the Eminem-style fingers, "Fuck you! We don't like new students here! Meet me at 3pm on the basketball courts for a bashing!" Harry shoved Al down again and sat down on the other side of Draco.  
"Here, let me help you up," Draco pulled Al up and gave him his seat back and gave him a bracelet. Wittle Al was too scared to say anything so he just stared at Draco with his big eyes.   
"Don't mind Harry, he's a recovering alcoholic and he hasn't taken his meds today. He's okay once you get to know him. Just stick with me and he won't hurt you."  
"Okay." Wittle Al whispered.  
"Hey Chair! You suck!" Seamus threw a chair at Alex. Draco Avada Kedavred his Irish ass, but Alex had already burst into tears and ran out.  
"What the hell kind of a name is Ike?!" Ron's pocket quivered. 

Meanwhile, at the dinner table.  
"Hey, where's that new kid? Chair? He was supposed to meet me at 3pm for a bashing but he never turned up."  
"Padma Patil said he was in the bathroom all day.......................................................... cryun!" Neville informed. 

Once everyone had put their names in the cup of flames, they all stood back and waited for the magic to begin.  
"And the first name from the cup of fire is... Lord Voldemort!" Voldemort couldn't believe his luck! It was as if he had just won the lottery!  
"V-man, you da man!" Voldie supporters death-eated.  
"And the second tri-wizard tournament contender... is going to be- trumpets please!" Lee Jordan blew his black trumpet, "Fikadu Pisopisofakala'u from The Samoan Island School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!" Everyone did the Samoan dance as he went up.  
"And the third..." Everyone thought Armando Dippet had died for sure this time, but then he started breathing again. "Harry Potter!" The cheers could be heard throughout all of England.   
Ron couldn't believe his luck! He'd never won anything before in his whole life. He walked up to the stage to accept his money.  
Suddenly the cup began to spit green Avada Kedavra colored sparks and hiss rude words in Parse tongue. The entire hall fell silent as green flame letters shot out above the stage and slowly began to spell a name. And that name was... Draco Malfoy.  
Draco already knew he was going to be a contender because his father had told him. He was a Death Eater, you know. As Draco went to go up to stand with the other contestants, Harry found he couldn't control himself.  
"Yeah Draco baby! Work it! Take it off!" Harry screamed between wolf-whistles. If you looked closely you could see Draco's ears turn a light shade of pink.  
"And the final... Tri... Wizard... Tournament... Contender... will be..." Armando Dippet wheezed, dipping his hat, "Quinton Rangirangimuggaridge!"  
Hagrid was wearing traditional Maori clothes for the occasion- a grass skirt and a tiki club, which he waved menacingly.  
"Do you really think there's a Tri-Wizard Tournament?" Chow shanged.  
"Ssssiah Hassieth..." Harry's tongue parseled. 

Harry couldn't believe how hard his FIRST TASK was. They had to run through fire, dodge speeding bullets, learn to drive, slay a dragon, rip a phone book in half. Draco's was even harder. He had to wear muggle clothes for a whole two minutes!  
"Cant... breathe... material wrapped tight... around my legs..." Draco was hyperventilating.   
Harry stopped what he was doing, long enough to yell out, "Yeah Draco honey, rip 'em off! Show me some skin!"  
"Ron, its your turn." Snake #37123995 hissed from the snake tunnel that Ron was supposed to run through while eating Ten Ton Tongue Toffee.  
"What? I'm just here for the money! No, wait!" But it was too late. Ron had been shoved into the tunnel and died before he could even unwrap his toffee.  
Thankfully everyone survived the first task.  
"And now to the scoreboard. Andy?"  
"Thanks John. Well it looks like Fikadu is in trouble early on in the tournament, he only scored 5 points! Lord Voldemort will be casting some crucios tonight, the judges only gave him 72 points! Mr Draco Malfoy should be used to being second best to Harry as he currently has 112 points. And finally our hero, our savior... MR HARRY POTTER has a whopping 16992458 points!" 

FIRST TASK:  
1st - Harry Potter  
2nd - Draco Malfoy  
3rd - Lord Voldemort  
4th - Fikadu Pisopisofakala'u 

"What? You've been selling things that I've touched on the internet?" Unkle Vernon gasped as the screen faded to black. 

  
**A.N:** How well will Paul's new clothing label 'hug' do? Will Clay Aiken return as Gentleman #6 on the last ever episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer? What happens when GC runs out of food?? And is Rupert Grint the only one starring in GoF movie? Find in out in the next installment of Pump. The. Breaks... Review! Review! Review! 


	35. Chapter Thirty Three: The Last Marauder ...

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 6 years after arriving at Hogwarts, SIRIUS FUCKING DIES! HE DIES! FUCK!   
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Thirty Three: The Last Marauder: A Tribute to Sirius Black**

  
Go, go, go, go  
Go, go, go shawty  
It's your birthday  
We gon' party like it's yo birthday  
- 50 Cent, "In Da Club" 

~ 

Hem hem.  
"Tana Shmana!" Hermione swished and flicked her wand as she bought her Order of the Phoenix book off of the man himsel'- Tana Umanga!  
Meanwhile at the Dursley's, Harry was trying to kill himself.  
"Uuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnklllllllleeeeeeeeeeee............!" He moaned miserably as he swallowed a few cartons of pills and washing it down with some vodka.  
"Who's Unkle? Your boyfriend or something?" Dudley cackled as he peeped his head in Harry's room.  
"Snarl!" Harry snarled, as he grabbed a handful of syringes and threw them at his cousin, missing the heart but getting him squarely in both eyes.

CRACK

"Unkle?" Harry wibbled.  
"It me Harry, Remmie." Remus Lupin, a professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and Lifelong Partner of 'The Dead One', spoke tiredly.  
His eyes were bloodshot and shadowed and Harry thought he looked terribly ill. His robes were torn and dirty and Harry suspected he hadn't changed, slept, eaten or washed since 'his' death.  
"W-w-w-w--w-w-w-w--w-w-where's Sirius?" Harry was cranked up on Zotab and had momentarily forgotten his Unkle had died.  
"He died Harry, remember? Cos you didn't learn fucking Occlumency! Its all your goddamn fault he died!!" Remus grabbed Harry's throat and watched him slowly die.  
"Remus? Remmie! H-hello?!" Harry waved his hand in front of Moony's face. Lupin had an odd sort of smile on his face and was staring at nothing in particular, cackling and clenching his hands around something unseen.  
"Oh... Harry? You're still alive! What- but I-..? Oh... ummm hi Harry, how's it going? Still blaming yourself for Sirius' death?" Remus lit a cigarette and started puffing nervously.  
"Argh!" Harry screamed at no one in particular and blew up number 4 Privet Drive, giggling maniacally as he went.  
"You killed my husband Harry! Sirrie would still fucking be alive if you HAD DONE WHAT YOU HAD BEEN TOLD TO DO INSTEAD OF BEING AN ANGSTY FUCKING TEENAGER!" Remus's eyes glinted wolfishly.  
"Remus? What are you doing? Oh shi-"

CRACK

Harry apparated back to Hogwarts (yes, he neglected his Occlumency lessons and decided to teach himself how to apparate instead! Thanks Harry!) before a very pissed off wolf could eat him for supper, And collided with none other than, Draco Malfoy. Slytherin. Prefect. "What the FUCK are you doing Potter?"  
"You CAN'T apparate into Hogwarts! Haven't you read 'Hogwarts: A Hist-" But Hermione was cut off by Ron who dragged her into his bedroom.  
"You better fucking watch out Malfoy," Potter spat, "Remember the last time I beat the crap out of you?" Draco stopped himself from wincing, but Harry could see the bruises on Draco's ribs because Draco wasn't wearing a shirt..................................  
"You fucking put my dad in wizz prizz! You're g-gonna fucking pay for that! Avadaaaaaaa..." Draco charged at Harry with his wand.

The suspense was golden.  
Meanwhile Bellatrix was being tortured by Voldemort. He was using a special spell to keep her alive... but only just.

"...Keyidavrxea!" A fluro green bolt of lightning, much like Harry's scar, flew out of Draco's wand and went straight into Draco's eye! Harry chortled.  
"Not so tough now are ya?" Harry kicked Draco in the face and started doing centipede dances as centipedes crawled their way out of Draco's ears at a rapid pace.  
Draco whimpered and curled into a little Slytherin ball. Harry took advantage of his current state and started punching every square inch of Malfoy he could find.  
"I've wanted to-" Draco was cut off by a sharp blow to his jaw, "-to be with you since the first time I-," Draco spat out a mouthful of blood onto the cold stone floor, "I met you."  
Harry stopped. "W-what? Ew! Gaybo!" Harry leapt off of Draco as if he had a disease.  
"First Ron and Hagrid, now this!" Harry flew at Draco Quirrel-stylez and wrapped his fingers in a tight grip around Draco's neck. 

They started randomly making out, hidden in a corridor because there IS still hope for Harry/Draco lurvin! w00t!

Draco suddenly felt something strange dangling from Harry's ears. He pulled his tongue out of Harry long enough to ask, "What the hell is this?"  
"I-i-i-i--i-ii--i-iii-i-i-its my cucumber earrings. Sirius, he- he gave th-" Harry *finally* started to cry and Draco hugged him.  
"There there sonny Jim!" Harry and Draco jumped as Mad-Eye Moody hobbled out of the shadows of the corridor as well! How many people were hiding in this bloody corridor anyway? How can you hide in a corridor...?  
"P-p-p--p--p-professor! We were just....." Harry started to explain but the swivel of Alastor's magical eye told him he didn't need to. The swiveling was making Harry dizzy and everything was getting darker and fuzzier.

Draco purposely missed catching Harry as he hit the floor with a loud crunch.  
"That's right bitch." Draco muttered and kicked him in the side. Now everyone would think that he had beaten up Potter! Everyone gave him high-fives on their way to various classes. 

Suddenly Bellatrix was being tortured by Voldemort and her screams could be heard in several other dimensions. 

Meanwhile in Harry's head... 

*FLASHBACK*

"Unkie Remus? But... but, I thought you were a Werewolf?" Harry stoned out with his good friend Joel, the new exchange student from America who had an odd looking hair cut.  
"Sirius Black? But I thought you were in Azlankebankebab!" Moony gasped at his long haired long lost boyfriend.  
"I have some news Harry... me and Remus are getting married!" Sirius died.  
"Wolf and Dog Unite!" Remus cheered and as if on cue, the whole hall erupted into an angry mob and started closing in on the 2 luvahs, bearing pitchforks and flame torches.

*END FLASHBACK* 

Remus awoke with a start, and out of habit, reached over expecting to find the warm body of- but with a jolt Remus played back the events of yesterday in his mind. He was dead. And Remus cried.

Thousands of miles away Harry awoke with his scar on fire and his body frozen. He sat up painfully and realized he was still on the stone cold floor of a Hogwarts corridor, naked. And surrounded by moving wizz-polaroids. He groaned and started gathering them up. "Not again..." he muttered to himself as he saw one of Ron tattooing a wizz-tattoo onto his leg that said 'Property of Ronald Weasley'. Harry looked down at his leg. "Great. Fucking great."  
He looked at his watch and saw that he was late for Potions. He hurriedly stuffed the pictures in his pocket and ran off. 

A certain Weasley revealed himself from between the shadows and laughed. 

On the way to Potions, which the Gryffindors always fucking had with Slytherin, Harry bumped into Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.  
"Hullo Harry. And how are we this fine evening?"  
"..." The anger welled up side of Harry sofuckingfast the old man didn't even have a chance to read the young lads mind and stop him. In a matter of seconds, pillars and statues were flying everywhere, mostly in the general direction of the Headmaster.  
"STOP!" He cried, halting most of the objects in mid-air. He wasn't the most powerful wizz in the land for nuttin!  
"IF YOU HAD TOLD ME EVERYTHING HE WOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING DIED! ITS MY FAULT I DIDNT LEARN OCCLUMENCY BUT ITS YOUR FAULT FOR NOT LETTING ME KNOW THAT IT WAS SO FUCKING IMPORTANT! THAT VOLDEMORT COULD BE POSSESING ME! HE DIED! SIRIUS FUCKING DIED! AND ITS YOUR FAULT!" Harry screamed, and using the same kind of power it takes to 'Crucio' he summoned something big and heavy enough to kill.  
"Hold yer Hippogriffs!" Dumble cried, but he was too slow and a statue of Godric smashed into him.

And so Harry sat in a pile of rubble, tears silently streaming down his face as he wished he had died instead of his Unkle.  
"Hey Hazzy, wanna go shoot some pool down at the Rec Center? There'll be some fly beatches there tonite!" Ron dribbled sweetly.  
"Sorry Ron, I can't. Hagrid wants me to meet him after school to show him his new crops...." 

Harry politely declined Ron's offer of friendship.  
"Oh Harry, you need to... just... you shouldn't cut yourself off from everyone like this. You need-" Hermione stopped. The look Harry was giving her was scaring her ohsobad. So she grasped Ron's hand tightly and stood slightly behind him.  
"What?" Harry's tone was cold. "What makes you think you know what I need?"  
"H-harry, I was just trying-" Hermione spoke up feebly.  
"JUST TRYING TO RUB IN THE FACT THE MY UNKLE IS DEAD!" Harry screamed, grabbing for his wand which was tucked in the waistband of his black Dickies.  
"Shit Harry, calm down. Herm was only trying to-" Ron took a step back into Hermione.  
"OH THAT FUCKING MUDBLOOD? BETWEEN HER BOSSYNESS AND YOUR WHINING I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Suddenly Harry's wand was aimed at Ron's heart.  
"Harry! Don't call Hermione that you mother-" Ron said, oblivious to the fact that Harry could and probably would kill him in a second.  
"Get. Out. Now." Harry spat venomously. His two former best friends didn't need telling twice, as they scurried away arm in arm, probably up to the Prefects Make-Out Lounge. 

Draco spied Harry all alone and strutted up to him.  
"What's it like having no friends Potter?"  
"You should know, you evil git." Harry really couldn't be bothered with this fuckwit. Sure, he had snogged him once but he had beaten him up twice. And that's saying something.  
"Ha! If you-" Draco had a really witty comeback, but-  
"I put your dad in prison. I hope he fucking rots." Draco's eyes widened considerably. What had happened to the geeky boy who never stood up to him that Draco had come to know and love?  
"You..." This time Draco was silenced by Harry's lips pressing against his. 

Higher and higher he went, feeling the wind rushing past him, watching the houses grow smaller. He was leaving his pain and his sorrow down on the ground and he was going to find Sirius. The air began to get colder and the clouds thinned, but still no sign of Heaven.  
"It's got to be here somewhere, it's got to be!" Harry cried, forgetting that he was all alone, not caring that no one could hear him.  
"It is, Harry," a voice said, and Harry nearly fell off his broom. But the voice, he realized, had been. . . different. He hadn't heard it. . . . he had felt it, more. And he thought he had recognized it. . . .  
"Sirius?" he asked tentatively. And then- "Sirius! Where are you? Are you here? Am I in Heaven yet?"  
"Harry." Yes it was him, Harry was sure of it! "Harry, listen to me. You cannot go to Heaven.  
You cannot find me. You are alive. I am dead. There is a wall between us." Sirius sounded calm, emotionless, and somehow much older.  
"No!" Harry cried. "No, there is no wall. I'll- I'll- I'll kill myself! I'll be with you then, Sirius. I want to be with you, not here, not alone!"  
"No, Harry," Sirius said, and now Harry recognized sadness, true sorrow in his godfather's voice. "You cannot do that. Please don't, please-"  
But before Sirius could say more, Harry swung his legs off of his broom. Eyes blinded by tears and mind clouded with longing, Harry prepared to let go. "I'm coming Sirius, I'm coming!" 

  
A.N: Who raped Joel?, Will the guys from Wakefeild accept Aaron back after his short brush with fame?, How is Brown Sound gonna reveal his love to Cone now that Jeff has stolen his heart, And how the FUCK is Spike gonna return on Angelus when he died while trying to save Johnathan's baby Grindyling! Find out in the next chapter! Pump. The. Breaks... Review! Review! Review! 

  



	36. Chapter Thirty Four: Appetite for Dawson

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 6 years after arriving at Hogwarts, The gang are still on the search of Jere after his mysterious dissapperence through the pot hole after a clown lurred him down with some balloons! how sweet!  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Thirty Four: Appetite for Dawson**

_ (Part of the Pump the Breaks Unplugged series)  
_

Is it you or is it me  
Make my line out of destiny  
I think a change is what i need  
If your looking for a ...  
Shortland Street..  
- Quinton and the Hitas, "Shorty Street theme" 

~ 

"Joel, there's something I've got to tell you," Benji paused nervously.  
"Yes Benji?" Joel and Benji told each other everything.... o_O  
"I-I-I-I'm a vampire." Benji punked out.  
"A VAMPIRE?! But... but NO! Then we can't be twinz!" Joely-joel screamed.  
"We can now... O_O," Benji snarled as he chomped on his bro. 

Meanwhile, in an imaginary fictional world that existed only in books, the Gryffindors made their way up to the marae, to eat their 'Hangi' or 'food' (for all you Palangi/Pakeha). 

"I have an announcement to make!" Dumbledore let off a few stink bombs from the end of his wand to call for silence, "Today marks a very important day in history... the day Harry James Potter was born! Congrats on being alive for 19 years!" The entire school threw up their hats and cheered. A giant cake was wheeled out by none other than Kevin Sorbo!  
The Fat Friar began humming 'Happy Birthday' in the background, as Harry neared the cake. He thought he spotted a long black hair between the layers, but got distracted by ahhhhh Draco... my love... my secret... my shame.  
"It's good to be young... and take your vitamins." Alex advised the local youths.  
"I need to go hug Collin." Fox wandered off, bored already.  
"Make a wish Harry!" Harry said to himself, pausing to take a breath.  
"*sneeze* *flem* *wheeze*" Ron sprayed mucus all over Harry's birthday cake, blowing out the candlez.  
"Godamnit Ron, I was just about to wish you dead!" said the son of James Potter.  
"Haha good one Harry..." Ron laughed nervously.  
Suddenly, the top of the cake flew off and a half-naked half-giant jumped out and started gyrating his hips. The local wizard band, Busted kicked off the nite with their hit single, 'Year 3000'.  
"...and your great great great grand-daughter is pretty fyne!" Seamus whipped Hagrid with his Mr Whippy stick. 

"Pretty fiiiine..." Mattie Jay winked at the Irish leprechaun.  
"Happy Birthday Harrie!" Ron gave his friend a poorly wrapped and very small present.  
"Umm... cool..." Harry ripped it open. And saw that it was his old Herbology notes from last semester, "What the... I threw these out months ago!" Ron shriveled up and flew away.  
"Look Harry, there's something from the Dursley's!" Dean T tilted his head and pointed to a strange looking lumpy package, "It looks like you got a rotten Kiwifruit and a broken plug!"  
Harry got lots of presents this year. Hermione gave him a book, Dean T gave him a football, Seamus gave him a fluffy Seamus toy and a customized paddle, Joel gave him some Hobbit weed, Neville gave him a Remembrall 3000, Chow gave him Cedric's finger, Quinton gave him a signed copy of his book, Dobby gave him a sock, Paul gave him a hug (ha! PAUL HUG!!!!!!!! OMG PAUL HUG!!! WoOt!) and Voldemort gave him a vial of poison, which Harry drank immediately.  
"Steve Cloves really ruins the magic!" J.K fired Steo and let Alfonso do the script for PoA. 

The chaos was interrupted by a loud screeching noise.  
"Hedwig! What's that you've brought me? A note! What does it say Hedwig?" Hedwig nibbled on Harry's ear as Draco looked on in a jealous rage. "Someone wants me up in my bedroom? Right now? I wonder who it could be..." Harry trailed off and caught Draco's eye. He nodded at him, and made his way down to the dungeons where the Gryffindor dorms were.  
He opened the door slowly, and shut it behind him. There were no wizz lights on so Harry muttered a few choice words.  
Suddenly, the sun rose right outside the window, making all the vampires flee into hiding.  
"Aunties?!" Harry didn't know what else to say. 

Sirrie and Remmie were wearing dresses. And...  
"Lupin! You're wearing make up!" Harry gasped as if there wasn't any air to breathe.  
"That's right Harry. We are. Happily." Sirius put his arm around Remus.  
"But... but you're boys." Harry slowly started backing out of the room but was stopped by a powerful magic.  
"No Harry, we're men. You're a man too." Remmie freshened his lipstick.  
"N-n-n-n-nooo!" Dan the man in Japan had been petrified!  
"Happy Birthday son." Ewan (not the dog Ewan!) squeezed Harry's shoulder softly. 

Harry blinked and they were gone. He rubbed his eyes, but there was no sign of his Unkles ever being there. He was beginning to think it was all a dream, but then he noticed a box at his feet that had a note attached to it. And then he knew it was all real...  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...   
*zoom out to Hogwarts*  
...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...  
*zoom out to England*  
...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... *zoom out to the earth*...  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...  
*zoom out to the universe*  
...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Harry said. 

The note read, 'Your father left this in our possession when he died. He wanted you to have it on your 19th birthday. Use it well.' Harry greedily ripped the box open to find a dress. And a make-up kit. "Don't worry dad, I'll use it well. I'll use it well all right........." 

Harry awoke in Draco's bed.  
"Happy birthday my lion king." Draco transfigured Harry's blanket back into its original form...  
"A present? For..... for me? Nobody ever gives me anything...." Harry sat up, adjusting his dress. 

_ You were my son  
You were my earth  
You didn't know all the ways I loved you, no  
So you took a chance  
Made other plans  
But I bet you didn't think they would come crashing down, no_

"D-d-d-d-d--d-dd--d-Draco? What, what is this?" Harry's eye twitched.  
"Its a Dragon Ball Z fuse earring. Let me explain how it works. You put this earring in your right ear, and I put mine in my left ear and we fuse together immediately and forever so our powers combine, which means we can defeat the most evilest force in the wizarding world...." Draco paused for suspense.  
"Avril LaVigne." They said in perfect unison as if they were twins! 

Back at tahi rua toru wha privet drive, Busted were just finishing their last song of the evening and David and Pierre were making out- right on the Dursley's couch! 

Al's eye twitched as he watched JRM slowly take a drag of his cigarette.  
"Hey, are you alright?" JRM patted Al's thigh as he blew smoke into his face. Al's eye was nearly vibrating it was twitching so hard!  
"Mrrr!" Al fumbled in his pocket for...  
"Here, have one of mine." JRM held out his sweet sweet packet of nicotine sticks. They were almost in Al's grasp....  
"No!! M-must.... must restrain.... need lung cancer... NO!"  
"ALEXANDER MAX BAND! What're yer doin'?" Kamin poofed in with a cloud of suspicious looking Nightcrawler smoke trails.  
"Aha!" Al's fingers finally found the packet of nicotine patches, ripped them all open and stuck them all over his arm.  
"Luckily I brought you some new nicotine patches, eh Alex?" Kamin passed his hobbit joint down the line. Al looked at his arm. And screamed. THEY WERE LIFEHOUSE NICOTENE PATCHES!!!! 

James was giving out signed Polaroid's of himself while the other two boyz were packing up.  
"Sorry girls," He said to Bartemus and McGonagall who held out their legs for James to sign, "I don't have my pen license yet- I'm only allowed to use a pencil.  
But MJ and C3pee-o have their pen licenses- you should ask them."  
"Um.. yeah... haha..." Mr Zipper zippered off.  
"Maybe later.... err.... yeah..." Bartemus crouched away into the knite. 

One week later celebrations had died down a bit, though people passing Harry in the hall still wished him a Happy Birthday.  
"No one remembered that today was my birthday too......" Ron sighed, all alone. 

  
A.N: Will Santana leave wittle Al and join Lifehouse? How will Quinton cope(land) now that he is no longer part of the whaunau? Who will be next on the list for Joel Madden....or is it Combs? Will Peter Unwritten law find love after Tyson AAR ditched him for Patrick??! Find out in the next chapter of PUMP THE BREAKS. review! Review! Review! 


	37. Chapter Thirty Five: Jaded These Years

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 6 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Sirius learns of Voldemorts plans to have a death eater assassinate him? will Sirius escape his fate..  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter: Thirty Five: Jaded (These Years)**

_Guys sing..  
It feels like something's heating up, can I leave with you?  
And ladies..  
I don't know what I'm thinking bout, really leaving with you  
Feels good don't it? Come on  
- Justin Timberlake, "Senorita"_

~ 

"Hey Harry, what are you doing?" Draco, a Slytherin 5th year, enquired politely.  
"Well Draco, I just subscribed to the Pump the Breaks Updates list." Said the son of James Potter.  
"Thats great Harry. Why don't you tell me some of the benefits of said list?" Draco decided that sitting on Harry's knee wasn't a good idea, so he sprawled out on a sexy leather couch.  
"Of course. As a member of the Pump the Breaks Updates List, you will receive regular mailings whenever a new chapter has been posted." Harry said reading off a cue card- I mean, of free will..... heh.  
"Sounds great!" Draco said most unenthusiastically.  
"Oh, it is- and there's more! Upon subscribing you will be sent an exclusive members only pack which includes a customized membership card, a limited edition soundtrack with extra DVD Rom features, a 100% cotton Pump the Breaks wifebeater and a kick-ass temporary tattoo! Collect all 6!" Harry was getting really excited. He had put Alun tatts all over his arm like his punk Idol- Benjaman Madden.  
"Gosh Harry, I can't wait to-" Draco was starting to get interested, but was interuppted by a certain boy who didn't die. "And there's a bi-weekly competition where you could win a Pump the Breaks script, signed by the entire cast!" Harry leapt out of his seat.  
"...Are you done?" Draco scowled.  
"Quite." Harry smiled smugly.  
"What do I have to do to-" Draco was again, interuppted.  
"Join? Why, you just send an email to pump_the_breaks@hotmail.com and you'll instantly become a member!" Harry shook his arse. (that's British for 'ass')  
"Can I-" Draco sai-  
"Instant membership! Free towel for the first 25 to join!" Godamnit stop interrupting.  
"..." Malfoy frowned and sat in silence.

About half a year has passed since Ron was changed into a girl by his brothers and fell in love with Draco Malfoy, and the class made their way over to the Rancid bus for afternoon tea. There was a rumour going around that David Thewlis HIMSELF was personally going to be dishing up the food.  
"I'm so hungry, I could eat 400 shrinking wizz-oranges!" Neville complained loudly as his stomach rumbled.

"Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT, PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT! PAT!"   
Everyone cheered Pat on because he was going to be the Fat Camp's new camp leader. The Topp Twins would be proud.  
"Psst! Hey, did you know Dawson dies in his creek on the last episode?" Marcus Flint road worked.  
Harry awoke to the sound of Ron snarling and the sight of Dean T putting his Mest poster up, up-side down. Hedwig hooted quitely... but really it was saying, 'You DIE if you try, you DIE if you try, you DIE if you try, you DIE if you try, you DIE if you try, you DIE if you try....'  
"What was that Hedwig? You're not allowed in here! You're a girl!" And at Harry's words the entire boys dorm went into utter chaos and panic.   
"Ahhhh its a girl!!! Hedwig's a girl! Female! Ahhh!" Seamus screamed Irishly.  
"Its been spying on us all along- I've showered infront of that bird every night!" Al wibbled in the corner, covering himself with a blanket, "All along I thought you were just one of DA BOYZ!"

The class made their way down to the Sum 41 bus for morning tea- thats Brit speak for 'snack'. Baked beans apparated onto the tables and everyone dug in except for Harry and Al who slipped a little something 'extra o_O' into their food. Harry caught Alex's eye and winked knowingly.

A skeletal frail wrinkled thing shuffled onto the stage, "I have an announcement to make" Dumbledore wheezed as a few moths flew out of his mouth. "Tonight is the nation wide premiere of The Fusion Club!" The whole school threw up their hats and cheered.  
"Don't forget to sign up, as the club opens................ tonite! That is all!" And Armando dipped out of sight.  
"So, you gonna sign up for the club Al?" Harry and his thugz bullied (he'd hired Crabbe and Goyle off Draco).  
"What's it to you?" Al cowered behind Draco and peeked over the bleached blonde pale nemisises shoulder.  
"You're gonna get a suprise.... such a SUPRISE!" Harry warned.  
"I don't like the sound of that Aaron..." Al turned to Aaron- his LIFEtime friend.  
"..." Kamin hadn't moved or spoken for the past 3 days.  
"Fred... George! What are you doing here?" Ron sniveled to himself in his cardboard box. He was all alone.

Previously on Planet Kami's Island, the class crowded around the green Z fighter... all except for Harry who was unfortunatley absent that day.......  
"Televisionus!" Harry waved his wAnd and the wizz-tv flickered on. A muggle game of football was on, and Harry was just starting to get into it when all of a sudden, a man - sans clothing - ran onto the field. "N-n-n-n-n-n-no... is that-? It-it can't be!"  
But it was. Unkle Remus was pole dancing naked on a boundary flag.  
Harry blinked and Remmie had already grabbed the match ball and was doing something rude with it. Harry blushed and shifted in his seat....  
"What are yer doin' Harrie?" Seamus startled irishly.  
"Hey! I didn't know you could get porn in here? Is this the one where........"  
Remus had already streaked across the feild 3 times!

Harry momentarily let his battle with Draco drop as he stared Lucius straight in the eye. Harry blinked, and Lucius Malfoy dropped dead, the bloody git.

Meanwhile on the GC bus, Joel awoke to find he had been raped by all the members of Linkin Park while he was asleep!  
"Guys! I've got some news! Rob's been kidnapped... again!" Mike broke the news to band. Will Bill had tears in his eyes. Paul wasn't there bacuase he was at his Pan company, 'Pauls Pans'. Benji looked shocked, and so did Joel- because they're twins!  
"People who don't turn their blinker off...I hate that!" Joel said while Chester raped him.  
Aaron came in (not Aaron Kamin!) and glared. "I'm leaving- leaving the band. But I'll be back... just you wait!" He pointed a finger menacingly and left. The band.

"Harry, don't you think that our new DADA teacher is a bit... too good looking?"  
"Yeah... he must be Voldemort in disguise! I bet he's plotting with Snape to steal the Philosophers Stone..." But Harry's accusations were interuptted by a man in tatty robes.  
"Good day class! I'm Proffessor Lucas, your new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. Hopefully I'll last alot longer than Quirrel!" Lucas chortled to himself, but he was the only one who got the joke.

"Are you still reading that thing?!" Robbo spat.  
Paul walked over to the wardrobe room, but was stopped by Benji who suddenly put his arm across the doorway, preventing Paul from entering.  
"Sorry mate, clothes designers only." he slammed the door in Paul's face.

Meanwhile, in DADA, Terry Cornfoot had some interesting news.  
"Psst, hey Serj- there's a PHAT par-tay on tonite! In the Restricted section of the library, starts at 7pm."  
"What's it for?" Wittle Al piped up, but was quickly silenced by Viktor Krum, who joined Lifehouse.  
"Its for the launch of J.K Rowling's new book, 'Lord of the Rings: The Hobbit's Revenge'" Madame Rosmerterr while slamming down some mead.  
"Pierre doesn't like girls. He likes David." Peeves, who wasn't really a ghost anyway.  
"Yeah, and you have to come dressed as your favourite character from Crash Bandicoot!" Fred- or was it George- snivelled snidely.

The class was filled with hushed whispers as to who was going as what.  
"I'm going as Ray Romano!" Ron plotted, thinking that everybody would love him if he went as Raymond.  
"OlliwAnder! I'm going as him- OlliwAnder!" Bag, man and crouch.  
"Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be Bozo the Clown! Awere!" Micheal Corner did the Ronald.  
There were no suprises as to who Pharrell was going to go as,"I'm going as R2D2..." he said as he did his thing in time to non-existant music.

Half an hour later the students were gathered in the Great Hall for no particular reason.  
"I have an announcement to make," Dumbedore raised his arms for silence. "Shnizzel dizzel snoop dog boys kizzle rizzel! That is all!"  
"Is he a bit mad?" Harry enquired in wonderment.  
"He's a bloody genius! But yes, a little mad." Percy, the evil git, joined the death eaters.  
"You're gonna pay for that one Malfoy!" Ron held out his and in a strange guesture and Draco looked puzzled. "Well? Come on, pay up! I mean it Malfoy!"  
"What the fuck...?" Draco barked and ran off.

Harry you look so much like your father- except you have Rons eyes....  
Lucious put on his tee shirt which read 'killing curses don't kill people, i kill people' and made his way to muggle hunting where he tought the 6th year Gryffs and Slyths, while at the same time were making their way to Aoteroa institution where the class was held.

"Drakkie what is it?" Harry saddled. What he said next made him freeze.  
"He rapes me..." Draco snorted.  
"Who... who rapes you?" Hazzie P rapped sympathetically.  
"Hagrid's twin bro... Grump- He-h-he-e-e-he rapes me!" Malfoy malformed mechanically.

You will find out who raped Draco soon I promise!  


  
A.N: Will Harry ever learn fuckin occlumency? or will Snape take away his pride and his money? How much are Ron freckels really worth? And is Will Sadler really gonna take over Crouch and be the next Hogwarts caretaker?? Find out in the next chapter of Pump. The. Breaks... Review! Review! Review! 

  


  



	38. Chapter Thirty Six: Hullo Ween

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 6 years after arriving at Hogwarts, Jason's back and he's got the mask to prove it!  
**Disclaimer:** Rowling = Harry Potter. slytherinsRsexyer7283/beater#4 = Crazy. 

  
**Chapter Thirty Six: Hullo Ween (working title)**

_ I don't know what you heard about me  
But you can't get a dollar outta me  
Do do do do you can't see  
Im a mutha friggin P.I.M.P  
- Fitty Cent, P.I.M.P_

~ 

It was a starless night and the castle loomed eerily on the hillside. Bats circled the top turret as lightening flashed and thunder rolled. But upon closer inspection, the bats were simply house elves dipped in black paint, spinning around on wires- Hermione would have something to say about that! And the lightning was really Snape's elaborate Light 'n Lazer Show. Behind him a row of students were waving large sheets of carboard which created the thunder effect. 

Meanwhile, in the girls dorms, a fiesty Irish lion awoke with sun glaring in its eyes. Dean T put up his West Coast Choppers poster. "What- but- Halloween was yesterday! Don't you guys remember?" Terry Boot took off his boots and put on terracotta gumboots- Terry! Suddenly, Dumbledores voice crackled over the loudspeakers, and he wheezed loudly into the microphone, tugging on the hem of his denim trouserleg. "I have an announcement to make. Tonight marks the nite of All Hallows Eve and the 72nd Year anniversary of James and Lily's death!" Everyone rolled over and looked at Harry. But Harry wasn't there. Or wazz he wizz? "I wonder how old Dumbledore really is?" Ron pondered, while he dug through the school rubbish bin, scrounging for his food for the day, "Wizz cakes!" 

The mob made their way down to Occlumency Lessons, which was held in the living room, a cosy alternative to the library where the class was usually held. "Let me guess, we have this class with Slytherin?" Roger Davies chortled to himself. "Um, no... we don't actually" Kreacher tigered hidden dragoned. "Actually we do. My father..." Draco trailed off. "I would trust Hagrid with my life," Dumbledore trusted Hagrid with his life, but Hagrid failed and Dumbledore collapsed into a pile of dust and mucus. "Ooo right then... right then... okay... riiiiight... GRYFFINDOR!" Loony Luna looped. 

Meanwhile, in a hidden secret chamber far below the school, Chow was dragging Cedric's corpse into the school laboratory. She hoisted him up onto the slab and cackled... 

"Fuck you Uncle Vernon!" wemworm stole some icons. "Settle down, Settle down," Mundungus pile o rags'd, "Today we're going to be carving Wizz-o-Lanterns!" Mundungus put some students on the black market. "Pull out your pumpkins- no no no Seamus, not THAT pumpkin!" "Whats Seamus trying to do?" Ron popped out from behind the cobwebs and made some handicapped noises. "*handicapped noise* Harry, yay *handicapped noise* duh Harry. Trying to turn water into rum *handicapped noise*." Alun weilded his trusty tiki club, stabbing at his pumpkin wildly, knocking his pointed witch hat askew. Dean T was busy gnashing teeth into his, while Grindylow #79 polished his scarecrow masque. Dumbledore was busy putting the finishing touches on his sweet transvesite costume. Oliver Wood decided to 'keep' his pumpkin, though Fred and George were 'beating' theirs. Angelina, Alisa and Katie were 'chasing' their pumpkins around the room and the one and only Kurt Russel (the new student on the block) who had lost his vegetable and was 'seeking' it using the seeker powers passed down through generations. 

"But Hagrid, how am I to pay for this? I haven't any bling bling." Harry flashed his gold teeth menacingly as he pulled his carving knife out of his satchel. "Oh g0ds Jimmy P, your costume is major fit!" Draco lusted at the bespeckled teen sitting next to him. "Oh g0ds Dray, I wish on Merlins Beard that you were a real Vampyre and then I would let you bite me!" Harry, who for some reason was wearing a 'hoodie' and jeans that fitted him, poked his lovers ribs. "I am a real vampire...." Draco's fangs swivelled down his chin and over into Harry's neck. 

Voldemort got out of the shower and went to bed. 

Hagrid's stomach rumbled, which signalled the beginning of the feast. 

Ron's orange flamed mop peeked over the rim of the pumpkin he was currently inside. The pumpkin mush smudged around his mouth, blending around his freckles. He stood up fully, coming out of the pumpkin like a pleasant suprise, extending his arms in a full circle grabbing everyones attention. "Oooh! The strippers hair!" The sandy hered irish man grunted, whippng off his clothes in advance. 

"Let the feast...... begin!" Micheal Gambon clapped his hands ceremoniously. 

Harry felt a cold chill pass through him, but it was only Sirrie making his way to the empty seat next to Remmie. 

The tables were laden with so much food, they sagged under the weight. Black jello quivered next to the haunted sausages which were attacking Neville. Draco took a drawling sip from his silver and green goblet. "What the fuck is this shit?" The bleached non-gelled nemisis asked angrily. Crabbe or Goyle paused momentarliy, pulling the triple decker spider cake, iced with bones - 

*flashback* "I'll grind your bones to make my icing!" *end flashback* 

-out of his mouth. "Why Drakkie old chap," Goyle puffed on his cigar, "I believe it is called Pumpkin juice" 

"Let the party...... begin!" Dumbledore hitched up his robes, rolled up his sleeves and pushed the Ravenclaw table with all his might as the rest of the school stood back and watched impatiently. Several years went by and it wasn't until Halloween 2007 that the old man had managed to get the tables stacked up against the walls of the Great Hall. Snape dimmed the lights and the eerie tune of the Halloween Theme song creeped around the hall. "But- but- guys, we had this party last week, don't you remember?" Dom landoed. 

Harry boogied down in his Sid Vicious costume, his punk chains jangling around as he did the Electric Slide (A.N: Can someone PLEASE tell us what the fuck the electric slide is? Instructions please!). Fred and George were dressed as THE MTV TWINS: Carson Daly and Aries Spears, and were doing a dance they made up. Neville was attempting the Running Man which was extremely hard in his Peach costume. Dumbledore had mastered the art of Pole dancing and was shimmying up and down the cold metal rod touching hot skin. "Aye guinness.." Seamus, or Ronan O'Feely as he was known in his porn movies, began whipping his fellow classmates' feet, trying to get them to join in irish hos jig "Whats Seamus trying to do?" Ron popped out from behind the Dublin Irish festival and made some handicapped noises. "*handicapped noise* Harry, yay *handicapped noise* duh Harry. Trying to turn water into rum *handicapped noise*." 

"Draco! Your hair! I... I mean you're here! What are you doing hair?" The boy who lived was momentarily taken aback and somewhat disgusted at the lack of gel caked into Draco's hair. His nemisis had nothing to say, so Harry shrugged and pulled him in tightly for One Slow Dance (by Simple Plan!). "You complete me..." Harry wizzpurred in Draco's ear, pulling him in even closer and they began swaying in time 'Put Your Hand On My Shoulder' by the local wizard band Junior Senior, made up of local wizards Barty Crouch and Croucher Snr. "Oh my lioness, my sweet lion cub!" Dray bebe layed his head onto the Hazzlers shoulder, fangs extending punkchring the youngest seeker in the centries vein. "Owchies!" Harry cried out in pain, but to Draco ears it was love. 

"I was shot 9 times!!" Dean T- I mean, 50 Cent adjusted his bullet proof vest, while Ron trailed along behind him dollar signs flashing hungrily in his eyes which bought the Halloween Feast to a happy end! Have a happy and safe Hulloween everyrons! Don't accept candy from Lucius!! 

  
**A.N:** What happens when Blaize gets sucked into the pitt of doom and comes across Frodos twin brother Gandalf??, Will Snape find Oliver in the freezer before its too late?!, And who will win in the battle between Ron and Zippo in the world table tennis championship finals? We don't know, and neither should y-y-ouuu..Review! Review! Review! 


	39. Chapter Thirty Seven: Harry Potter's Asi...

**Title:** Pump The Breaks  
**Authors:** slytherinsRsexyer7283 and beater#4  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** 5 years after arriving at Hogwarts, what if Harry got sorted into Gryffindor?  
**Disclaimer:** You've read this far and you still need a disclaimer? 

  
**Chapter Thirty Seven: Harry Potter's Asian Fetish**

_ (Part of the Pump the Breaks Unplugged series)  
_

May the Irish hills caress you.  
May her lakes and rivers bless you.  
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.  
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you  
- Seamus Finnegan, "Seamus Theme" 

~ 

Weeman looked deep into my eyes.  
"Are you alright?" he asked concernedly.  
"I'm fine now... John" I replied, blushing. He pulled me up with seemingly no effort and I gazed into his eyes.  
"Oh Preston..." Weeman sighed.  
"Hush Wee..." I pressed my finger to his lips and- 

Harry awoke at number 22 Privet Drive with his scar on fire. Literally.  
Doobie was peering over at him with ping pong ball eyes, which his great pal Yoda had lent him.  
"Doooobie what are you dooooing?" The Boy Who's Scar Was On Fire, clawed at the house elfs tatty rag. Dobbie giggled nervously and dancing out of Harry's reach, he dropped the flame tourch he was holding. Harry's whole head was now ablaze and he fumbled around for his wand.  
"Don't go looking for Siddius, Haddy" Arnold Weasley extinguished the son of James Potter. 

Harry awoke at Hogwarts with his scar on fire.  
"Ron!" he yanked open the bed curtains and looked around the dorm in a panic.  
"Allo 'Arry! Gidday mate!" The Weasel himsel'.  
"Oh no we've got breakfast with Slytherin!" Umbridge caught some flies for lunch.  
"But- we had breakfast with Slytherin yesterday... don't you remember?" Sirius died a slow and painful death, never to come back.  
"Aha! Another Weasely... I know just what to do with you... kill you!" Terry Boot. 

The class made their way down to the school cafeteria and each got a tray and stood in line. The special today was 'Hagrid Surprise' which Hermionie suspected contained mustard, rocks, pixie blood and firewhiskey.  
"Ello 'Arry, what can I do fer yer?" Hagrid the lunch lady, whose bush of tangles had been tucked haphazardly under a hairnet, grinned toothily.  
But before Harry could answer, a pile of goo (Hagrids Special) had been ladled onto his plate.  
"On with yer, on with yer," Hagrid motioned and Harry was shimmied down the line.  
"Pardon me sir, do you have any hott baguettes?" Fidius Flitwick squeaked. Hagrid picked up the little ewok in one foul swoop and threw him in the large vat behind the counter where it landed with a splat. 

Draco was a sweet little boy who was daydreaming about torturing, decapatating and flowers, when his foot met with something hard. He and his tray both fell; the former landing on the latter.  
"Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Hahaha! Ha! Haha!" Haroldo James Potter (something hard) was doing 'The Dance of Mocking' as Draco pulled bits of this and that out of his hair.  
"You're gonna pay for that one Malfoy!" Ron rattled his money jar in front of the bleached ungelled Slytherin babe's nose, but he took no notice of the poor, for he was occupied by the retreating figure of a certain Lioness. 

"Males here!" Grindylow #23 hissed.  
"Yes Luna, we know there a males here." Dean T put up his West Coast Choppers poster.  
"The first puppy has arrived!" a bald French-Canadian mimed.  
Pandomonium erupted as per usual with the students covering their food in vain from the shower of owl droppings and feathers that were raining down upon the hall. Harry noticed 'A Big Package for Harry' that was sitting next to him all of a sudden.  
"Why am I such a freak Hedwig?" he said while snipping off the wizz string.  
"Well Harry, I've been talking to Treffor, and we came to the conclusion that you need to experiment with boys," Hedwig stroked Harry's chinny-chin-chin.  
"Thats great Hedwig," Harry acknowleged the bird.  
"Why don't you open your present Harry?" The snowy owl pecked Harry's thigh lightly. 

"Enimies of the air beware!" Thresteral #396.  
Harry swished his wand and chanted 'Unwrappo Presidento!' and motioned for the present to stand. 

The sight was unbearable.  
Voldemort, was stark naked and gnashing his teeth meanacingly. 

Harry awoke on the floor with his scar on fire, "I feel a strange sensation... what is this strange sensation?"  
"Harry you're drunk! You're.... wizz drunk!" Chow mimed using Cedric as a dummy.  
"No RON- no!!" Seamus did a jig, an Irish jig that is.  
"Bloody brilliant George!" Fred congratulated his twin for doing nothing. Nothing at all.  
"Why do you wear that thing Dobby? Take it off Dobby-" 

But this time Harry never awoke. He never awoke again.  
Fin. 

  
A.N: No more chapters EVER unless we get 2173 reviews! Come on guys, get Penny-wise! 


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